A tough confession

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I just told someone I love & trust that I might be intersex, with all the health complications you might expect of that. Basically I came out as more or less asexual as well. She's the only living soul who's heard because just the thought of her stops the anxiety & panic attacks that go with this. It's not far from making me tear my hair out screaming, I'm just extremely reserved.

I feel more at peace than ever before in my life but I'm trapped in a substandard body.

I can't stop the terse, zero sum thoughts.
"I'm different"
"What am I?"
"I'm just the wrong person~"
I could quote more but there's basically no rock bottom where this is concerned. Sometimes it feels like I have no business being alive.

I NEED to return the favor for my friend & be around to help her process her own troubles. I have to make this the turning point where I stop obscuring myself & make sure she knows I'm a friend for life.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I'm scared there's nothing left to say.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

There's lots to say.

You have romance in you-----you have idealism in you-----even if you don't feel the sexual urges.

There's lots of folks here who don't feel they are any one gender.

I guess there's no sense of identity for me. I don't care if I'm a friend or BF, not even slightly. I just want to be around to give something. She just got out of a bad relationship & seems pretty burnt out on trusting guys, I want to make sure I can help, face to face.

I texted her a big thanks but that's gonna take a while to sink in. I told her I know something's wrong when I disappear for months studying, that it's unfair to someone I love to do that. That's not cool of me.

I said I think this is why I vex her. If I'm clingy this is why, we need a lot of space but I don't want to create a vacuum.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Isn’t being intersex biologically detectable at a very early age? It’s purely biological - It’s not something that you might think to “have it” or not, it’s not a mental thing.

You are either born physically intersex or not.

Yeah I've known for a long time but not that long & never felt like I could tell anyone else. Only in the last year or so did I learn about the genetic components of who I am (or might be) & I told her I'd rather preserve some of the mystery actually.

No one else in my life really knows. I left out the more depressing side of the health effects because I know it's big news, we really need more face time to get into that.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Why yes I am banking on the interesting part. I pass but I'm not 100% anatomically the usual.
We think it may be chromosomatic, plausibly XX male but like I said by this point I'm more or less reconciled with the mystery.

I don't think it's strictly hormonal, more related to collagen expression - connective tissue.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Isn't there some sort of simple test that can determine this?

Yeah but I'm more interested in making peace with it than knowing exactly what genes went haywire. I'm more interested in the complex test of living with it, without withdrawal from this part of my life.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

The way I look at it:

You are you. Your chromosomes are only a small part of what "you" are.

What "you" are is, primarily, life experience and your adjustment to it. And your viewpoint about it.

I know plenty of guys who seem more "neutral" than like guys. Same with women.

Thus I'm trying to help both of us embrace the ambiguity & spend time together clearing the air.

I suppose at least those closer to me know I'm trying to reverse my isolated ways.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos