It’s Why

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It’s why I never played with dolls and my grandma was so disappointed
It’s why the first time I saw my cousin’s baby I didn’t know what to do or say and didn’t want to hold it
It’s why I’ve never liked holding babies
It’s why I’d cross the street as a child on my way to the mailbox so I could avoid the neighbor who was outside because I knew he’d want to talk to me.
It’s why change is so hard for me
It’s why I never had friends at school
It’s why I’d cry inconsolably the last day of summer because I didn’t want to go back to school
It’s why I can’t tolerate noise, or odors, or flickering lights or even slight variations in temperature
It’s why I don’t like being touched
It’s why I never wanted to go to parties and if I did, I’d just sit in a corner
It’s why I was such an avid reader until the day my brother yelled at me, “You can’t live your life in books.”
It’s why I let people walk all over me and never speak up for myself
It’s why I got such good grades in school
It’s why I’d tell the high school counselors that I wanted to be a teacher like my dad and brothers so they wouldn’t ask me any more questions.
It’s why on high school aptitude tests the results said I’d do best as a forest ranger
It’s why I couldn’t handle working at a fast food place for even a couple of days
It’s why I don’t know how to interact with people
It’s why I prefer animals and nature to being with people
It’s why I looked for a man who would make me feel safe
It’s why I didn’t plan anything for my wedding, I let family members do it all
It’s why we never adopted kids, I couldn’t bear the scrutiny involved
It’s why I don’t answer the door or phone
It’s why I much prefer writing to talking
It’s why my house is such a mess and yet I know exactly where everything is, most times
It’s why we never invite anyone over to our house
It’s why people can’t see I’m hiding behind my smile
It’s why I am so very lonely
It’s why I’ve considered suicide, until a family member actually did it and I saw the devastation left behind in me and others, and since a niece named her baby after me, I feel now I have to finish my life well, and try to leave a good legacy for her
It’s probably why I never crawled
It’s probably why I sleep so lightly and wake at the slightest noise.
It’s probably why I have such a low pain tolerance
It’s why my husband can be out of town for days and no one will call, no one will even realize I am home alone. I will go all that time without seeing or speaking to another soul.
Perhaps I should have just become a nun and lived in a convent of silence?
It’s all these things and so much more that makes me feel that I am indeed on the wrong planet
And yet, I never knew why until I was 60
It’s why I am like my father and why I now understand why he was the way he was
It’s why I am so afraid of the future
It’s why I wish I had one friend, just one who understood me. Having one friend would make such a world of difference, but dogs are my only friends.
It’s why many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I will never fit in this world
I don’t know if it’s these things for you, but that’s what it is for me