So I said something stupid while talking about parties. I said about how I was worried if my mother would accidentally crawl in my bed while she was so drunk. My mother is not an alcoholic so that may have made the situation a little worse.
Ah who am I kidding? It was because I talked about her crawling in the wrong room.
She portrayed it as if she was going to do naughty stuff to me.
And I guess she thought I purposely meant to bring up her past, which consisted of incest, and I tried to tell her I meant to do nothing of the sort, but of course my mother did not believe me. She said, "All right", but I know she didn't, nor does she want to, believe me.
I say that because whenever my mom thinks something in her head why I did something as opposed to what I actually meant by it, no matter how much I try to get her to believe me, she never does. She usually says nothing, then days or weeks later tells me she didn't believe a single word I said.
And the worst part... this reminds me of a similar story when I said something about sex which was sensitive object, and some time later, we spent the next two weeks screaming at each other.
At this point, I'm worried the constant fighting between me and her is going to start tomorrow or a couple days or weeks later, and the fighting could last a couple days, maybe a week, maybe two weeks, maybe longer. But I will say this: There is going to be a point where I just cannot take it anymore and I am going to end up feeling like I want to harm her. She has abused me ever since first grade, and she has not taken responsibility for any of it, hence the reason why I am so angry and hostile towards her.
And I know things are already different, because last year, I beat her and instead of calling the cops, she called my dad (because she was still on good enough terms with him to talk to him about me, herself, her friends, and even laugh with) and he gave me like this lecture. Of course my mother was still angry, then told her BFF forever, Renee, and she bitched at me for a good ten minutes, then put fear into me by walking close to me threateningly, then left me alone, but this was last year. This is this year.
I know that once I act physically towards her, or make a threat to her, she WILL call the cops. Of course I know the first thing she is going to do is call Renee and she will tell me how bad of a kid I am, and I will not be able to tell her what my mother has done or is doing to me, because once I do, she will get incredibly defensive and hostile toward me (my mom), and Renee will not believe me, because after all, I'm the stupid kid that don't know nothing, and she is the hero, the angel, the good person in the family, when in reality, I ALWAYS have to be the bigger person. ALWAYS. My mom will tell you she is always the bigger person, but that is NOT true.
Anyway I just don't know what to do anymore.
If I run away she is going to get pissed.
If I end up going to a center for teens, she is going to get me back.
If I go to a relative's, she will try and get me back.
If I go to my dad's, she is going to act crazy because this year she is very vindictive and hostile towards him for taking me over to a moldy trailer when we were both told not to go. On top of that, that is the ultimate win for her: to take me to a courthouse so I can be declared her legal guardian for the rest of my life, and with the fact that I have HFA, it may not be that hard for the courts to declare that, cos the law practically hates the mentally ill and disabled.
Anyway... I just need some help.
I know I could go for therapy when I am 18 and out of the apartment I share with my mom and get some help with my life.
Any other tips? Anybody else living like that?
17 Jun 2018, 9:14 pm
