Needed To Rant: It's a Vague Mess

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I'm struggling. I endured a lot of stuff growing up that resulted in many problems now as an adult. I keep trying to get better but have the fear now that some unfortunate things are permanent. My past keeps haunting me. I won't type all examples, but only things brought up recently but hope the general gist is understood.

A mentor explained to me recently that they believe I feel shame for how I am because they and another mentor couldn't stand my language issues, as it frustrated them too much. And then they finally admitted to beating me sometimes. And it was very scary since I couldn't understand language enough to know why I was even being punished. Which explains my fear of people going off the rails for no reason at me.

And the fact that my mentors didn't believe me when I was being abused at a babysitters. Which ended up making them furious at me. Until more and more they noticed I came home hungry(wasn't being fed, my lunch was supposedly given to other kids, I sometimes remember having soup when left for hours in a highchair) and came home with bruises. But finally at my babysitters, my collar bone was broken, because we weren't being watched and so a kid crushed me when I was 3 or 4.

I have a lot of shame since my mentors didn't treat me like I was their own. But they made me feel dumb and abused me over the years for really I don't know what since they fabricated a lot or created weird reasons: eg. I looked upset. And then these same people parentified me and depended on me for emotional support. However my feelings were nothing to them and had to remind me that "other people (including themselves) have it worse". Which never negated, or helped my problems.

I was bullied a lot and always kept trying to adapt but I got no where. Those "friends" would tell me they like me but their actions seemed to say other wise. I've gotten assaulted and verbally abused a lot by people who called themselves my friends.

Maybe I was targeted for my language and sensory issues. But I will never be able to communicate like other people to get them to like or understand me. Even sign language confuses me. My head still hurts when I hear speaking, and when I look at faces. Luckily though, I can type and write decently.....

Though I still keep trying to get better and have hope. This site has helped me feel less alone.

Well that's my vague, messy rant. Anyone else felt confused as to why you were a target? Or felt targeted for language and or sensory issues?

I just want to give you a big dragon hug

I'm glad wrongplanet has helped you.

I have always been a target for bullying because I talk weird and I'm socially awkward. I was always weary of other kids coming around and being "friendly" because it always resulted in them finding stuff to make fun of me about.

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly by your mentors and babysitter.

You want to tell people gtfa!

@fromamegaverse: Your post reads like my biography. Except that my language issues were mainly to do with struggling to find just he right words to express myself -- the resulting verbal pauses and stammers were seen as iron-clad proof that whatever I was saying was a lie. This was especially troublesome when I was trying to explain where I was and what I was doing at the time an act of theft or vandalism had occurred. The actual perp was usually found out only after I had been called a liar and punished for something he or she did. After 50+ years, I'm still waiting for apologies, although I'm not gonna hold my breath until that happens ...

ANYWAY, I can tell you that life gets better. Many of those who once abused me are either dead, disabled, or in prison. I have managed to stay out of trouble as an adult and surround myself with more reasonable people.

Thank you all for the replies, glad to know I'm not alone and things can always get better.