My sister

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Today is my sister's birthday. She died last fall, less than a week after Hurricane Irma struck. She was only 53. She left behind a bunch of children and many beautiful grandchildren. She had recently (four years) married a wonderful man who treated her like a queen. She had a very tough life but had a lot of guts and determination. It was just these past few years which were truly beautiful for her.

My sister and I did not communicate much as adults. Our paths were very different. But when she was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer, it was me that she turned to. After spending time with her at her various specialist appointments, I came to realize that she was a tough woman who everyone else turned to. Our mother had died maybe 25 years ago or more. Being the eldest of five, I have never considered what it might be like to "look up to" an elder sibling. It finally occurred to me that she needed me to stand in for Mom.

She faced her cancer diagnosis with courage and determination. She was optimistic and realistic at the same time. But she was Mom and wife to all who knew her and she did not really trust our other siblings, even though she may have been closer to some over the years. As a former hospice nurse, I could watch her progress dispassionately and could see that she was failing, but everyone was refusing to admit it. But there is nothing to be gained by extinguishing hope, so I just provided support and love.

We were boarding up windows and setting in supplies of fresh water and food and gasoline when I got her last call. She told me she was being discharged from the hospital and there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. She told me the doctors told her she had six or seven weeks left. I knew there was no six or seven weeks left. When non-hospice doctors say six or seven weeks, the real prognosis is six or seven days. I told her she needed to be prepared for that. I told her to gather the children and her dear husband around her and tell them how much she loves them. She told me "You don't have to come to my funeral...I don't care about that...but come as soon as you can. I don't want to die in pain and I don't trust anyone else to care for me."

Irma came and left disaster in her wake. As soon as the roads were clear, I drove to Atlanta. My sister was able to be roused and knew who I was and started cooperating with care that she had resisted before. We got her pain under control so she could rest. She was mostly sleeping now. She waited for one more brother to arrive. We siblings stood around her bed and sang some songs from our childhood. She died the next day surrounded by her children.

I just needed to write this down today.

Thanks for sharing this.

I didn't know you were a hospice nurse.

You've had some very interesting "twists" in your life

You are a lady with vast experience and wisdom.

That was very touching, blazingstar. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you kraftie and Bea.

The whole experience confuses me for a number of reasons and has resulted in conflicting emotions and thoughts. I have at best a distant relationship with family and resented this intrusion into my life. It forced me into a lot of situations I am not comfortable with...travel...mixing with people...relating to family members that push my buttons and so on. I became ill myself after every visit. And by the time it was over, I was systemically ill with constant cardiac issues (which have now gone away.) At the same time, I don't see anyway I could have done anything differently. And people who know my sister well, told me how important it was to her that I rose to the occasion, so to speak, to help her. I discerned the role that was needed and because it is one I am familiar with - care of the terminally ill - it was one I could step into. I was, also as the eldest of the children, able to disabuse her of some of the twisted histories she had been fed by others in the family. And I think that gave her some peace as well.

I came to admire and love my sister for the person she grew up into, but I am not unhappy that I missed most of her adult life. I feel like there should be some guilt or regret over that, but there is not. What bothers me the most is that after all she went through, when life was finally really going well for her and she was well and truly happy and secure, she had to get cancer and die. This does not seem fair. Of course I realize that millions of things are not fair and life is not fair. But emotionally, this bothers me. I hurt for her in a way that I cannot explain.

I do not dwell on these issues. I have plenty in real life to take care of. Just the birthday caused me to reflect and this forum gave me a place to express it. Thank you.

(((blazingstar)))

Awww....Thanks, Istominfan.