I'm extremely close to reaching my breaking point....

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I am tired of me. I'm tired of my f****d up piece of s**t life.

I'm tired of struggling.

I'm tired of hoping. I have done so much hoping that I now realize that hope is simultaneously mankind's greatest strength and greatest weakness.

I have really bad autism and I hate that I am so sensitive to my environment. I can't f*****g function in this world. This world was not made for people like me. I believe I have a severe form of autism because when I go outside in the big city world, even at night time, the loud noises just causes my vision to be washed over with a white tint, and then I get really dizzy. I can see and hear energy everywhere, and loud noises just cloud my vision with the white screen.

I really hate the rush-rush-rush-go-go-go culture of this stupid society that's polluting the planet. I just want to stay inside where it is quiet!! !! ! I just want to stay inside and work on my book and my science and philosophy blog inspired by Nikola Tesla, Walter Russell and Hermes Trismegistus.

I hate having to pay attention to so many things when I am out in the city, it really gives me a headache and makes me dizzy; cars whizzing here and there, thousands of people walking like zombies not paying attention to where they are going.

I live in Los Angeles, CA and the average monthly rent here is $2,500 and I heard that it is going to go up even more soon!!

I can't pass a job interview because I have a hard time speaking most of the time. Though it is hard to type a little bit, it is still much easier than speaking. I don't know what to say at these behavioral-job-interviews. The questions they ask you are so scripted and fake; "So tell me, what would your past employers say about you?" And what I really want to say in response is: What are you asking me for? How on earth am I supposed to know? Go ask them yourself. Isnt that why you asked for the references in the first place?"

So for the past 2 years I have been working warehouse/distribution jobs that I got through staffing agencies, and I have been living with my sister who clearly doesn't want me in her apartment but she feels obligated to have me there because my mom asked her to look out for me before she died. My other sister lives right next door.

My sisters have always treated me like s**t ever since I was a child. They never cared to get to know me and they still don't even know me. They even forget when my birthday is. They don't know me at all.

I hate living with my sisters. They think I am a "mentally challenged person who will never make it in life". I get no love, encouragement or support, and I am tired of living around this unloving, uncaring energy while they stare at me with evil eyes. I give my sister money for rent and I even take money that I don't have to buy her extra food. She doesn't appreciate it at all.

I want to go to school for computer science because it is one of the high demand jobs that promise job security, but obviously I don't have the time or money. So now I am trying to do it the autodidact way, by studying computer science on my own and then go take a degree-by-examination test. I don't have time to sit in classes everyday in order to get a career which I wont even be able to get until a few years down the road. I need to work now so I can save up alot of money so I can buy a small van and live in it. If I didnt have to worry everyday about whether or not I am going to have a roof over my head then I will focus on school. Right now my focus needs to be on making money NOW and getting away from my sisters.

I don't know how long the process is for getting a computer science degree the autodidact way but I don't think I have enough time to work on creating my own computer science degree either, because my sister is tired of me living in her home. This morning she tried to find something to start a fight with me over just so she can have a good excuse to kick me out, like my other evil sister did (my other sister kicked me out because she said I kept getting water droplets on her downstairs restroom mirror, and it wasn't even me it was her little son that kept doing that!!).

I want to get away from my sister ASAP. They have even threatened to physically harm me. I don't want to report it because where else will I go? I have no where else to go and I don't want to go to a homeless shelter.

My sisters just don't like me for their own stupid, personal reasons. I always clean up behind myself, I am always giving my sister that I live with an extra few hundred dollars here and there, I respect her and I have never disrespected her in my life, and I bave always respected my other sister.

I am extremely depressed, my nerves are extremely frayed and I am so stressed that I can't really think of a plan to immediately get the f**k away from my so-called "family".

I am so stressed from worrying if I am going to have a roof over my head that I can't focus on creating a plan to get myself out of this situation. Bad enough I have trauma playing in the background of my mind EVERY DAY from being abused as a child. I have gone through so much bullying and abuse as a child, and I still get picked on as an adult. It is like people can just look at me and tell that I am different.

And I am so lonely; I wish I had a boyfriend, but I am underweight from not being able to afford enough food. I can't attract a man looking like a starved chicken. I am starving for love and affection. :'(

I am so tired of going around in circles. If there is no other option, I would rather be dead, because this isn't living. I am just existing and slowly dying, so if there is no other option then I might at as well f*****g finish the job sooner by putting myself out of my miserable existence.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

Yes I have read everything you wrote. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to learn how difficult your situation is for you.

I must say I admire your plans and attempts on studying computer science on your own and take the examinations! In the end it was the only way for me to finish school back in the days. I remember what a nightmare it was being young and in the process of wanting an education, getting a job, find a place to live....with the issues I had.

Please stay strong! Things can change, especially if you stay as determined as your post suggests you are despite all your problems. Big hug!

Thank you for posting your story, lostsoul... There are several things that could help you, some are short range and some longer range.

Since your sisters don't appreciate things you do for them (extra money, extra food), just do the minimum but put that money into your savings account to eventually get away. This is a short-term and continuing goal. As you see that balance grow, you will at least feel some increased sense of a goal and hope for the future.

I have long thought that except in unusual cases, adults with autism are better served NOT living with family. Your sister could look out for you (as promised to your mother) while you lived in a different situation. That's a longer-range goal.

LA is probably not a good place for you to live, as there are many, many other places with a better balance of low cost of living plus good job prospects. I completely identify with your feeling of unremitting noise. Living in the country or a quiet suburb are better choices. You can search Google for "best places to live in the US" for a window-shopping excursion of other options. This is a long-range goal, but one you can fantasize about now.

It sounds like you have maintained employment reasonably well. Even though you don't feel satisfied or fulfilled by the work you do, you should give yourself a gold star for doing any work at all and sticking to it. This will work to your credit when you make your big push toward independence. So try to continue working - this is a short-range and continuing goal.

Find one or two things you do for pleasure and do them regularly. This is where a special interest can be a blessing. Maybe it is reading medieval Europe archeology articles, or maybe it is robotics or butterflies. Doesn't matter - a little indulgence is good for the soul.

Finally as to dating/boyfriend - how many of us would love to trade our corpulence with your underweight condition! You might use one of the free dating sites and stress that you just want to hang out initially. See what happens. Two free sites (as far as I know) are plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com. Possibly you will make some lonely man's life much richer by your friendship.

Please let us know how you are doing. You can get a lot of support at WrongPlanet, as many people here have been through what you are struggling with. Best of luck!

Try to stay strong and work on a plan to move away perhaps?

Bea said it best. I concur with her also about not living with family. She has good suggestions for getting going and getting away.

I cannot live in the city. I cannot even live in small towns. I live way out in the woods and am so much happier. I hope you can find yourself someplace quieter and saner to live.

Thank you for taking the time to put all of your answers everyone.