Walking away - need some moral support

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This post is purposefully vague so as to protect my identity. I am (or rather, was) a member of a campaign group who run campaigns both online and offline. I helped to run the website and social media for the group - everyone is a volunteer, and it's something I did in my spare time for nearly 2 years.

Mostly I enjoyed it and I got on well with the others (apart from a few disagreements here and there, but nothing too dramatic).

Over the weekend I found out that a few associates (not actual members) of the group had caused a scene and vandalised someone's property after attending a protest rally. Someone had recorded it and the video ended up online all over social media and was even reported in the mainstream media! They were even carrying banners etc with the organization's logo, thereby wrecking our reputation. The police are aware of who was involved. I was not there - I only help with the online campaigns and never attend any demos in real life - that would be too stressful for me as an autistic person with anxiety.

When I went to the leader of the campaign and the other senior members to express my concerns, they downplayed the whole thing and the leader in particular was very dismissive of me.

So I said that I wanted to leave and I sent a formal resignation message. One of the senior members replied with a nice message saying he's sad I'm leaving and that I'll be missed, but the leader and one other senior member kept sending me messages begging me to stay!

So I said I would consider staying, as long as the leader put out a public statement condemning and disavowing the incident, saying that we are a peaceful campaign and don't support any vandalism or threats. He refused to do so, saying that it would only draw more attention to the incident (but it was already all over the local news anyway!). He also said that he didn't want to throw the perpetrator "under the bus", so-to-speak. I was very annoyed about this, as I think this person has brought the campaign into disrepute by his actions and he should face the consequences.

After that, I properly quit the group's online chats and I'm no longer updating their social media or website. I don't want to be associated with such a group any more. I don't want this on my conscience. I'm feeling really stressed about it.

It was hard for me to leave, as I like the leader of the group and saw him as an online friend. I guess he won't want to be friends any more now that I've quit! I've been doing this for nearly 2 years so it'll feel strange not doing it any more.

I'd just like some moral support that I've done the right thing.

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing.

Aspies have a hard time just forgetting about stuff. You won't be able to just move on like the other members of the group if you continue to participate.

I remember resigning from my participation in a conference after years of really great service. Most guys thanked me for what I did. But one guy really got on my case to continue. And he wasn't exactly nice to me while I was helping out! Until one of the highly respected veteran leaders of the group, made a really snide remark about what he was doing. And then he stopped.

Good job for standing up for what you believe in!

Thanks for your support. Last night, the campaign leader did put out a statement of sorts, condemning what happened although he didn't specifically name the individuals involved and I think some of the information given is inaccurate. It is better than nothing, though. He kept saying that if he put out the statement that I wanted he fears he could be beaten up! I'm not sure how realistic that is, but it does appear that the person who was responsible for most of the trouble at the weekend has been in trouble before (at other people's events).

I still don't feel comfortable about going back though, so I'm still happy I left (I'm not really happy, but I think I'm happier having left than I would be if I had stayed).

I have thought about this some more today, and I've decided that I no longer want to be friends with the group leader. I have realised that it's a destructive friendship and is not going to lead to anything positive. I've nearly always stuck up for him in the past, as I felt he was misunderstood by others. But now I'm tired of trying to dig him out of problems that are of his own making (he has done some things in the past which have frustrated me, but nothing as bad as this). He has ruined his reputation now - any time people Google his name or his organisation's name from now on, stuff about this incident will come up. More and more bad stuff about him is coming out.

It comes to a point where you just have to walk away. I don't want to be dragged down with him - I am more loyal than most people, but I don't want to follow someone off the edge of a cliff! When I first became friends with him and became a supporter of his group, I thought he was an intelligent and likeable guy. I couldn't believe he could be so foolish! He has been very emotionally cold towards me lately and often doesn't reply to my messages (I can tell he's annoyed with me for leaving his group), so I've decided not to message him any more.

I would rather spend time doing things I enjoy and find other ways of helping others.

This is not the first time that I have attracted a destructive friendship with someone - I can think of at least 2 other cases where it's happened to me in the last 2 years, but in those cases it was easier for me to extricate myself as the friendships weren't as deep and I wasn't volunteering with them. So I will also need to look into why I attend to attract these sorts of people into my life, and how I can reduce the risk of it happening again.

In the meantime, it still feels a bit painful, even though I was the one who ended the friendship. It's like it will take me a while to grieve the loss of the friendship and find some ways to fill the void. I've already arranged a nice meal out with one of my best friends for next week, and I'll look into rekindling some hobbies I've neglected in recent months.

I'm sorry about not replying to your thread earlier. My own life has had unwanted drama recently and I sometimes don't post when I feel anything I do post would be without nuance.

I think you did the right thing to distance from the organization. If they are going to tolerate these unseemly behaviors such as vandalism, it's an organizational self-destruction.

You might want to re-consider whether ending friendships is in your long-term interest. People can go from being on the active-friend burner to being on the back-burner. Sometimes you might need to call on them for a favor in the future, such as a reference or a referral. I'm not saying you have done the wrong thing. But maybe you could have more categories of friendship - "contacts" or "part of my informal network" in addition to "someone I feel comfortable confiding in." Black and white thinking (friend or not-friend) is, of course, an aspie tendency; it can feel right but maybe not be the best choice always.

This is asking you to be more NT-like and less aspie-like, because there might be advantages; but whatever you do, I'm sure is right for you.

A week later, I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would. Most of all, I feel liberated, both for leaving the group and for walking away from the group leader. I've been enjoying spending time on other pursuits.

The only negative feeling in the last couple of days has been a feeling of guilt for having joined the group in the first place! Maybe I should have known it would turn out this way! Then I keep reminding myself that when I first joined, it appeared to be a very respectable group, and even had members of parliament and high-up people from various think-tanks attending the events. It was only in more recent times that the events began to be attended by "down-and-outs" - the sort of people who probably feel like they're on the fringes of society and feel they have little to lose if they get into trouble. If I'm honest with myself, I had been considering leaving for quite a while (both because I had some concerns over the way things were heading, and also due to wanting more free time for myself), but didn't have the impetus to walk away, and also I didn't want to fall out with the group leader as I valued his friendship at the time. This recent incident gave me the motivation I needed in order to quit!

I’m glad it’s working out!