Recently Diagnosed: Confused and Overwhelmed

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Hello everyone,

Let me start by saying that I have actually been diagnosed today and I am feeling very confused and a tad overwhelmed.
A few weeks ago me and my family went to visit a friend of my dad´s who is a doctor who deals with people who are on the spectrum. He noticed a few similarities between by behaviour (social) and my bad motor skills.

Him and my dad had a chat recently about the possibility of me having Asperger's, my dad told him a few odd stories about me having no friends, only connecting to people through my interests (video games and anime), I would pace around the garden with a golf club for hours without end, I only aet certain things) I also listen to music constantly and sometimes to the same song on repeat without end. I struggle a lot with anxiety and I suffer from really bad self esteem and image from all the things people would tell me. I was notoriously clumsy and it was something everyone noticed about me. I would generally wear the same clothes (the same jacket)

Today he had a chat with me and said given my history and all that this diagnosis actually fits quite well and explains my problems.
I am socially awkward, but I can and do empathize with people. I am a good listener, I do avoid eye contact and I am a tad terrible at reading social cues. My journey had been confusing, I basically messed up high school and got through most of middle school without ever studying as I could get things just by listening in class. I managed to graduate college and I am on my way to do a masters. I am gay and I still have huge problems making friends and I sometimes find these "mental blocks" I seem to be afraid of trying new things sometimes. It can be something a bit simple like a new machine at the gym.

Thing is I still have a lot of doubts about it? Should I just accept this? Is this true? Am I being biased in any way by relating my past to the diagnosis? Not everything fits 100% (I don´t have any obsession with numbers, or anything related to that, and I was never too blunt quite the contrary I was overly polite and I avoided people because of fear of doing something wrong, in part it could be because I couldn´t read social cues).

Welcome to WP, xxxArcxxx.

Firstly, feeling confused and overwhelmed about your new diagnosis is perfectly normal; I still feel that way about it sometimes even though mine was several years ago. In my opinion, you've done exactly the right thing by seeking out other autistic people; taking part in forums like this one has been a huge help to me and many other people for getting our heads around it all. It's also quite normal to relate your diagnosis to past events; by definition, autism is life-long, so it's very likely that things have happened in your life which were very confusing at the time, but which you can now make more sense of.

It important to remember that autism is very, very diverse; the kind and degree of autistic traits that each of us has is incredibly varied. The "spectrum" isn't a straight line from "not autistic" to "totally autistic"; there's a range of language abilities, a range of maths abilities, social abilities, sensory differences, etc. and each of us is in a different place for each of those things. We also have different ways of reacting to the things we find difficult. For example, someone who struggles with social cues could either bluntly state their best guesses and live with the fact that they might embarrass themself, or they could avoid talking whenever possible and be super cautious and polite about everything that they say (or a bit of both.) The typical "signs of autism" that are commonly known are just examples, and it would be very rare, if not impossible, to find someone who fits every single one of them; in fact, some of them aren't really all that common at all (e.g. we are certainly not all maths savants, in fact, many autistic people find maths very difficult.)

None of us here have the qualifications to confirm your diagnosis with any certainty, but there is nothing that you've said that is inconsistent with an autism diagnosis. I would try not to worry too much about that, though. If you click with people here when they're talking about a particular subject, discover new things about yourself, and the advice that you get helps you, that is the main thing. I hope you find it as beneficial as I have.

Diagnosis or no diagnosis, it sounds like you're doing really well in at least some things.

You graduated college, and are now going for your Master's. If I may ask: in what?

I'm going to make a literary allusion: Just because you've been diagnosed, doesn't mean there's a "scarlet letter" attached to you.

In other words, you are you, and autism is autism. You don't have to be a paradigm of autism; and autism doesn't have to be the total you.

You are you with, and without, autism.

@Trogluddite Thanks. I am aware Autism is a spectrum and the diversity within it is immense. I was just giving an overview of my life as to see if anyone could relate and to draw out similar stories. I hope the community here is as beneficial to me as it has been to you. It´s very nice to meet you.

@kraftiekortie I studied Psychology and English in university and have been teaching English for about two years now and I am planning on doing a masters this year on teaching English to young learners. I managed college because I am/was extremely interested in both these subjects as opposed to high school where I had to deal with subjects I absolutely hated. Also it might be surprising that I teach, I am fairly socially awkward in person but in the classroom where fixed roles exist I seem to be able to function with a few faux pas here and there of course but at the end of the day students are there to learn and we all know thats the main focus of the classroom.

From a theoretical point of view I agree with you, but there are practical considerations here. For example whether I should seek support that is adequate to this, whether to tell this to people, process this emotionally, read more about the subject and invest energy into it. Plus its made me feel as if I don´t know myself at all since so much I have done was copying how people behave.

There are several good books about Asperger's Syndrome. You may find it very interesting to read several of them. They may answer many aspects of your life.