I've never hated myself more than now.

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My fall semester began recently, but it's different from all my previous ones in that I'm only taking online classes; I only have to spend a couple hours in a classroom occasionally. Going into it, I was fairly optimistic, since I only have four classes instead of the usual five or six, and I don't have to worry about not getting enough sleep nearly as much. I knew time-management would be a challenge for me, but I figured I could adapt.

Two of my classes aren't too problematic; the assignments haven't been very hard and the due dates are pretty reasonable. There's been some instances where I had do things last-minute due to procrastination, but as a whole they've been somewhat low-pressure.

My third class hasn't actually started yet, as we don't get any assignments until after our first meeting tomorrow morning (more on that later). But I don't think it'll be too bad either, since only the quizzes and tests will be graded, meaning I can push it aside if I ever need to give my other classes increased attention.

But then there's my other class. We had a bunch of assignments due today at midnight, but the problem is I wasn't actually aware of a good chunk of them until just a few minutes ago. That can be chalked up to me not connecting the dots and only thinking about the assignments that were placed at the forefront, if that makes any sense. But I didn't even get all of THOSE done, once again due to my gobshite time management skills. I can still turn everything in before 8am, but since I have to be rested for my meeting at 8am tomorrow, I can't stay up an extra few hours like I usually would and get more of them done. So I'm starting this class with 0s in half of my assignments. I would be pleasantly surprised my final grade can still be anything higher than a B.

And this is all before I even get a JOB; I'm planning on applying for a transcription job in the near future, and that certainly won't improve the situation.

On one hand, I can hardly believe this is happening to me, but on the other, it's not surprising at all. I'm terrified at the thought of how this could potentially affect me later on; as far as I know, I could have to take this class a second time because I failed it the first time, which could also potentially mean I'll have to spend an extra semester or two with this community college before I can transfer to a university.

And this sort of thing has happened time after time after time; for whatever reason, I seem to be completely incapable of learning to do my work before anything else. I have a feeling that, by the time I learn my f**king lesson, it'll be too late. It'll be like in movies and TV shows and such, where the person loses all their opportunities, and then the camera slowly zooms in on them while they're lying on the floor amongst many empty beer bottles (though I guess it would be root beer and sugary breads in my case). I keep imagining post-death scenarios where my life is examined and I'm deemed to be unworthy of any reward, leading me to be tossed into a spiritual trash bin; many would imagine it as a fiery cave filled with demons and torture devices, but I've come to picture it as a black, featureless place with absolutely nothing, and with no way to escape.

I just wish I had an easier time growing. I want to improve myself as a person, but I never seem to be able too. I frequently dream about finding a place where I don't HAVE to grow; eternal youth and infinite resources are reoccurring elements in my phantasies. I desperately want to be less cowardly and less lazy, but whenever I encounter a chance to reduce those qualities, I give in to the overwhelming urge to resist and hide. It's infuriating.

I wish it wasn't considered weird to ask people about their emotions and struggles, because I really want to know if this is commonplace or not. People always say that everyone has problems, but it's hard to believe that sometimes. My classmates have always looked like they lead better lives than mine.

Were you one of those people who waltzed through high school barely even trying, and still made good grades?

A lot of those folks hit a wall when they get to college or professional school, never having developed good study habits and time management skills because they didn't have to.

If this fits you, work with a tutor to shore up those skills, instead of hating yourself. Unless you find hating yourself more palatable, in which case, carry on.