Bad Parent

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I think I'm a bad parent. My daughter is one, nearly two and I'm an awful mother. I have depression and some days I'm so sad that I feel like giving up, but I can't give up on her. She's my world. I try and do my best for her but lately I am really struggling with life, everything's getting on top of me and I find myself not wanting to continue on. I just wish that I could be the loving mother that she deserves to have, I'm nothing but a bad person. My daughter deserves better.

First of all, your depression will make you think the worst possible things it can "worst case scenario" thoughts, as well as guilt and hopelessness. So that's where your "I'm a bad parent" thought is coming from. Acknowledge the thought and let it go. "OK I'm having this thought again, back to what I was doing" laundry, dishes, etc. Speak to your gp about depression, postnatal depression is so common they will know exactly how to help you. Remember the depression is not you, it's an illness, like diabetes. It will lie and say it's you, but it's not.
I hope that makes sense

It does, thank you. I need to keep telling myself this and stop being negative all the time. Thank you Ohnos.

How is your daughter doing?

oh god, another one. i mean, hey, i only have one account, and here is another me writing. sorry, that might have been a bad joke, but i am in a bad form.
5 years old allistic daughter. me - AS, CPTSD, depression, all that stuff. been hating myself for everything i cant do. for everything i fail to do. for every time she ends up in a corner. it feels like a war. endless war with a kid, who wants to do whatever she feels like, but never what is required. who is not afraid to mess with a thermopot, but is afraid to brush her teeth properly. being a parent is never about being agreed with. well, it can happen when ur child gets a child. untill then, its a war. u lose, u lose ur child. u win, u feel like death. getting through a day without a quarell is nigh possible. well okay, happens 1 day in a month. right now she is asleep, after an hour of tantrum about brushing teeth. attention terrorism. the closer u are to a meltdown, the more she'd push it further. because allistic toddler perfectly senses that u are withdrawn, and wants to tug u out of urself (no obscene). and yes, i hate myself, because i'd punish her for it. and i'd hate myself if i just refused to brush her damn teeth, but she wouldnt have that either. she'd yell about it no matter what i say. because well, sometimes they just want to yell. constantly push borders, untill borders push back. then yell about it. then do it again. and its not really about me and my problems. she can act the same with her allistic grandmother, who is quite adept at getting her way with stubborn toddlers (having raised me, and raising my tweenage sister atm). that age of war.

just dont go down that lane u are heading for
because this is where it ends
maybe i am just unfit for this. maybe i should have never tried. this does not feel like a life, it feels like a nightmare with no morning. it was expected to be done togather, not by me alone
ya, mommy issues. key thing. i have a real bad problem believing i can manage.
she is the only thing that really tethers me to the world. but living out of duty, more often than not getting nothing but tantrum for doing it, drains and withers
and i keep thinking, that she would so really be better off without a mother, who cannot fix her own head for more than a few brief hours
u guys can see it. no matter how happy a memory i try to work on. i allways go down, each and every time
because it will and will end in loss and despair. because loss and despair is me.
and then i inevitably will lose her too, no matter if i succeed or fail. and i will fail, for i am unfit for success. i allways go down. and then, i do it again


and now the response of a friend (he had given me a permission to publish it)

seeing the ancestors of my wife, I can see that the bond between parent and child is close to indestructable. My mother in laws parents failed their children...really badly, caring only for what the neighbours thought, not what the children thought or felt...my wifes parents also failed their children, thinking only about themselves, and they continue to fail her, not behaving like parents or grandparents should at all...yet, none of thouse parents has truly and completely lost his/her child, the contact is still there, and also some degree of love. From what I´ve seen of you, you truly love your child, so no matter what, you won´t be able to fail as hard as thouse ppl. Even if you were to kill yourself this very moment, the love you´ve given Svet until now is already worth more than everything the ppl mentioned above have given their children. It already has enabled her to build a strong foundation.


And the fact that you do feel guilty after being pushed too far, and responding harsher than you feel correct, is also proof that you´re a top qualitiy parent. Bad parents don´t reflect on their actions, and never feel guilt.

hope this helps u, as it had helped me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Just by the way you word your post I already know you're obviously a fantastic mother who cares deeply for her daughter, as most mothers do. Stop doubting yourself. That's the depression talking not you! Remember that you are a amazing woman, you have a wonderful daughter and she is your world just like you are her world .

I read earlier that you were in hospital. I hope the tests came back ok and that you're ok now .

Take care Rebecca.

Best wishes,

and ya just to clarify. so that my previous post didnt hit the base and stay there somehow.
i passed that perigeum. i am learning to accept myself. sometimes i fail. like right now, because i still cant recover from a shouting match with my daughter. but some things cant be evaded. they want to find out how far they can push. just a thing toddlers do. some things could be done better. some things could be done worse. doubt ur every step is the fastest way to a hard slope. u will, anyways, but just remember that its what parents do. good parents, according to my friend. there are too many situations where u cant win nice. and if u lose, ur kid loses too. so well tough love is something. something i've had and only way i can see. u are to set borders. u are to keep them. and ur kid is to push them. nature of it, in the breakdown. i often fail to not sink into it. stop seing the altitude. its hard to hold up, when ur bloodstream is devoid of endorphine. when u are feeling pain, and ur kid does not want to stop causing it. but being a parent isnt about toddling and hugs. its about being at war with ur kid, where u both win their future. and according to quote above, u cant totally lose. i want to believe that. come with.

Are you raising her by yourself or do you have help from anyone else?

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. As others have said, don't give in to ultra-negative feelings. Focus on what you do for your daughter. Perhaps even hyper-focus on that.

For example:

Focus on making sure her basic needs are met (feeding, clothing, baths, warmth, safety, toys/play) and acknowledge that you're meeting those needs for her and understand that as basic as those needs are, even taking good care of her that way is part of being a good parent.

If you don't feel like playing with her, instead just show her things that aren't dangerous that she can touch, chew on, etc.
"This is a BOOK!"
"This is a towel. Feel the towel. The towel is soft..."

Narrate the world for her. Show her the world.

Keep at it and try to get sleep. You need it too!

thanx, but thats an old log. i simply lifted it as a warning to our topicstarter. but thanx)