Burned myself on purpose...somehow I don't really regret it

Post Reply New Topic

If you are at all susceptible to hurting yourself after reading about other experiences of self-harm, please don't read this.

Sunday night I was cooking bacon. A tiny drop of hot grease flew out of the pan and pricked my right arm. It stung a little, but I liked the sensation. I wanted to feel it again, on my other arm. I've had this compulsion before — if I burned my finger on the toaster oven, for example, I would feel compelled to burn a finger on the other hand to "even it out". I let a piece of bacon drip onto my left arm. Then I did something stupid. I don't remember when the thought first entered my head, but I stood with my right hand over the sink while wielding the pan with my left. I thought to myself, "I'm going to do this." I wanted to know how painful it would be. I poured the boiling hot bacon grease over my hand.

It hurt like hell. For a moment I was dizzy from the pain. It stung for several hours, but the only remedies I had on hand were antibiotic cream, cool water, and frozen food containers. It was really bad that first night, but now it only really hurts if I bend my wrist.

I keep experiencing a desire to do it again. A small part of me wants to burn my left hand. But the only thing stupider than burning yourself on purpose is purpose yourself on purpose twice. So I don't think I'll be doing that. But I keep asking myself if I actually regret it, and I can't bring myself to say "Yes, I wish I hadn't done it and I definitely won't do it again." As badly as it hurt those first few hours, there's still a part of me that thinks, "Yeah, swell idea. Let's do it again sometime." I didn't even feel depressed when I did it. But I don't think I was acting on a compulsion, either. Curiosity and a weird fixation on pain are poor explanations for scalding your hand, but that's all I've got.

That said, I do not recommend this. Please do not be dumb like me.

i'd like to think i understand that, but i don't know if i really fully can - only because i wasn't in your position then and i don't know 100% what was going on in your mind

but i've done some similar things...the sensation of hot oil stinging isn't something that bothers be a lot, and i kind of like it too. mostly i have poked, pinched and scratched at my forearms until they started bleeding because i like the little white scars that show up afterwards (and have since pockmarked my forearms, the right one especially.)
but that's about the extent of it. i recall you used to bite your lips...if that's ok for me to bring up.

after reading your description of pouring the hot grease on yourself, i was expecting a really gruesome image at the end.

i don't know what's under the bandage of course...and i guess that's after it had time to heal. but i totally get what you mean when you say you can't bring yourself to really regret what you did. i feel like that a lot. i'm always entertaining the thought of doing or repeating stupid things to myself.

but i don't act on it. not always....

hopefully you can resist the urge even when the desire is strong

You are a very pretty and smart gal.

What is it that's causing you to want to hurt yourself?

I feel distressed because I've "known" you a little while.

I have never seen that type of bandage before.

^texas is full of interesting and unusual stuff.

Um, you do know bacon isn't good for you, right?

Is that a first, second or third degree burn?

Is it bad enough where it blistered?

Will you need a skin graft? If so, what part of your body would they take your skin from?

I had to get those first thoughts I had out of my system. The first was a joke. I can be darkly humorous. Because those were some of my first thoughts, does that mean I don't have empathy? This thread is about you though....

What's wrong in your life right now? Has it ever been right? Do you hate yourself?

I ask those last three questions because I did physically hurtful things to myself when I was a teen and the answers I would have given back then would have been:

Everything
Not really
Yes

What's wrong?

@Kip
It's good to know I'm not the only one who likes a bit of pain. I do still bite and pick at my skin...I happen to be biting my cheeks as I write this. I've done that for as long as I can remember. The burn doesn't look too gruesome under the bandage, either. That was just there because I have a lot of peeling there. Google images pulled up some way worse looking injuries. I guess I was lucky?

I'm glad to know someone understands.


Thanks. I've been successful so far. I just need to keep reminding myself how annoying it is to have this [completely unnecessary and absolutely unavoidable] injury.

@kraftiekortie
Thank you. You and Kip always have nice things to say. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure why I did it this time. I'm in a strange position because while my life feels better and less stressful (as compared to, say, last semester) I also feel more depressed. It doesn't make much sense.

@Magna
Haha, I don't mind jokes. You don't have to feel empathy for someone who intentionally burns themselves. (Also, bacon isn't the worst of my food choices.) I think it's just a first degree burn. It's peeling, but it really doesn't seem all that bad. I think my answers to your questions would be:
1. Stress, anxiety, and depression
2. Not really
3. Less than I used to...not sure

Still not really sure what compelled me to do this. Maybe depression was a part of it, but I don't remember feeling upset when I did it. I don't know whether this was more of an "I want to hurt myself" thing or a "I'm going to scald myself...for science" thing.

I think you just need attention this is your sick and weird way of getting it.

You so lonely and sad you feel nothing in your life except emptiness, perhaps another reason you did this to feel your alive.

You think pain and violence is something cool because as because you exposed yourself to gory manga that f****d you up mentally...

Could be "zombie like" state of consciousness you get as side effect of antidepressants so you can't distinguish really reality from imagination.


Not necessary that only one answer apply, could be combination of things.

...Perhaps?


Sounds about right.


I like pain. Not a fan of violence. Don't know where the "gory manga" bit came from. The only manga I read is yaoi. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



I don't really identify with the zombie thing, though I've heard of it happening to other people. I think I'm pretty in tune with reality.

If you think you purposely hurt yourself to feel alive, try eating extremely spicy food instead. That's what I do. It reminds me I'm alive. No scars. Tummy aches sometimes, but that's part of the fun of it.

Thanks, this is good advice!

Owwwww...the picture doesn't load for me, but I've accidentally poured bacon grease on my hand before, so I know it hurts a LOT, for a long time >_<

I certainly don't condone it, but I do have a small spot on my hand that I try to brand every now and then (usually when I'm SUPER depressed). It doesn't ever show up very well, I guess I've been doing it wrong, it's just a regular looking scar. It's not very noticeable at all, but I know it's there.

If you mention desire to hurt yourself to any counselor they are obligated to report you for that and will probably result you being locked out in the institution for a while. So no i think your tune with reality is off by any standards.


Everyone who endorse that behavior by writing supportive messages in this thread needs a f***ing reality check.

I guess I don't know what you meant when you said "you can't distinguish really reality from imagination."
I definitely knew what I was doing and how much it would hurt. But something overrode that.



No one in this thread supports my decision to burn the s**t out of my own hand. They're offering sympathy, advice, and checking in. And I very much appreciate all of that.

i agree. the bite of harsh spices makes me feel grounded to the world. i suggest you try spicy food as well, hopefully as an alternative to what you've described here.




my PE instructor in elementary school once related to us the story of the time he stuck his arm right into a deep fAT FRYER.

it was not an attractive story.




thank god nobody is doing that here.

also:

i'll be honest with you, i don't remember a time when i didn't pick at own self, one way or another. you are most certainly not alone with this one. it used to be hair pulling...then forearm picking, then back to hair pulling. i guess you got lucky too...how's the wound doing now?

i'm glad you're less stressed...i'm more stressed compared to last semester, personally, but that's just me. distrust of others is the main factor.

if it make sense to you, that's all that matters.