Survivor Guilt

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I don't know if survivor guilt is the right term. It's often used for people who survive disasters. Well I wasn't involved in any disaster, but some I had a love hate relationship was.

My father's stubbornness was was matched only by my laziness. Just after I got home from work he called me and asked if I had the car. I told him my girlfriend had it. He said he needed to see a doctor and he couldn't drive due to dizziness and double vision.

I told him he should get an ambulance. He said he didn't have ambulance cover (damned irresponsible of him). I came up with a plan. I would wait for my girlfriend to finish her work at 9:00 PM and then we'd drive him to the ER. He said he didn't want to go to the ER. He said he wanted to see the GP. I told him we could drop him off at the ER at 9:30 PM and then we'd go home. He said that would leave him stranded there later that night. I told him they'd probably keep him there for several days. Hr thought he'd only be there for a few hours.

I thought we could just drive him to the GP but by 9:30 PM they'd be closed. I thought maybe his dizziness would go away after a few hours. He died the next day.

Early treatment could uave helped him. I should have done something differently. I could have called a taxi. I could have offered to pay for it. I could have Googled for a doctor who does house calls and when he saw my father's condition he would have called the ambulance. Or I could have called the ambulance and sent it to his address. Or I could have caught the train into the city, caught the bus into North Adelaide, gone to my girlfriend's shop, borrowed her car and then driven him to a GP, who would probably call am ambulance once he noticed he was having a brain aneurysm.

That's what I would have done if I wasn't so god damned lazy. But instead I stayed home, sat on the couch and watched Doctor f*****g Who.

We seldom saw eye to eye. Now that he's dead I think we should have had more constructive conversations and less arguments about conspiracies, the new world order, young earth creationism, mercury in vaccines and how liberals are being controlled by Satan. We were both complicit in these bitter arguments. Maybe I should have steered the subject matter towards something mote useful.

Sometimes I really hated him. Now I feel guilty about that. Is it wrong to have hated someone who's dead? How should I feel now?

Yeah, you could have done something better but we don't go back in time. I would regret it just as you do. I guess that's part of the mourning thing - we realise we could have done so many things differently but now it's too late.

You didn't realise the seriousness of the situation and neither did he, you're not a doctor, you're not to blame. I expect most people hate their parents at some stage or another. All you can do is forgive him for the way he was and forgive yourself.

You don't know what would have happened if, you were to have called a taxi

For example, the taxi could have crashed

You are not a medical doctor

Even medical doctor are not psychic

The description of what you did, sounds like you were saving money

Did this just happen? I’m so sorry. Losing a parent is hard. Mine both died twenty years ago. The last time I saw my Mum, we argued. About ten years before that we had gone a year without talking. I don’t know what we had fought about that time and I don’t know how we made up. I’ll still “talk” with her at times. Usually it’s good, but I still can get pissed off with her. I can see me reacting the same way as you did, if she had called me like that. We both could be so stubborn and she seemed to expect me to be a mind reader. Somehow I was supposed to know what she really wanted me to do and to do it. Don’t feel guilty.

^^^^ Well said.

I'm sorry for your loss.

When did this happen?

Sorry for your loss, my friend.

I'm sorry for your loss. As other people already said, you shouldn't feel directly guilt because you hadn't any means to figure out the situation. We can always lost ourselves thinking what if, but this is just pointlessly torturing ourselves. Things are as they are, and you did the best you could given what you had.

When I first moved out home, back in 2011, my mom had an aneurysm too. She luckily survived, but I felt extremely guilt because I felt the aneurysm was caused by she getting nervous because I moved out. Among other stuff, it motivated quit the university and go back home. Time made me realize how stupid was to blame myself for something that was out of my control, and I'm sure as hard as it is, this realization is came to you too. You couldn't know what was happening with your father, you offered a few possibilities and he made his decision, and fate took its course. That's life, and there is nobody to blame.

Also, it's normal to sometimes hate someone you have such an intense relation as we often have with our parents. I think there is some unrealistic aura over parents love, from both sides, that isn't good – we are all humans, and we have our disagreements and imperfections. Being father/son doesn't make anyone 100% compatible. Try to think about positive things about your father, if you have them... but don't blame yourself for not having a perfect relationship with him, because it doesn't even exist.

Yes.
This.

Hate to sound like a pedant at a time like this, but I like to get to the nub of the issue which demands clarity: the issue is not "survivor guilt", but just plain old "guilt". Guilt that you caused his death. But as said above you're not a doctor so you didn't know that his symptoms were danger signs of ..whatever it was (stroke?).So you can forgive yourself.

Do your best to forgive both him and yourself.

Am reminded of a freind(one of the kids on the block who grew up with sis and I and like sis and I are now middle aged) and conversations sis and I have had with him after first our dad and then mom passed away.

He talks about how the last conversation he had with his dad was a fight he got into with his dad. Shortly after the fight his dad died suddenly of heart attack. So that fight was the last conversation they had. So that makes the loss worse because he didn't have closure with his dad. So its kinda like with your dad. you never had closure with him.

In contrast both of my parents died after long long increasing degenerative illnesses

Wow, I can't imagine how painful that must be, that's rough.

I would feel guilty, too, if I were in that situation. I've also had survivors' guilt (beating cancer when others I knew did not).

My heartfelt condolences on this tragic nightmare. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

Yeah. It happened on Friday afternoon.

Neither can I. It feels like it's not real.

I'm so sorry. You're not a neurologist; don't apply that standard to yourself in hindsight. Please let go of the "what if's" and "if only's"; they'll drive you mad.
May peace be with you.

Losing a parent in any manner doesn't feel "real", even years later... so that part is entirely natural. I hope that you can try to grieve as you would regardless of the circumstance which occurred that day. Try to focus on your father more than your regret.

I recommend a grief counsellor if you continue feeling traumatised by what happened. ((Big hugs)).

Here's a pretty song recommended to me by a WP when I experienced a painful loss this past summer.
I hope it helps.



Is

I read through this and I can honestly say that, in an ideal world, I might have gone to greater lengths to get a family member to the ER given the circumstances you describe. However, I am not certain I would necessarily have been so responsible at your age (in fact you are probably way more responsible than I was at your age) plus I have the luxury of considering the facts in hindsight. The best you could have done would have been to call a taxi but then you might have had trouble convincing him to board the taxi and be taken to the ER. He seems to have been a difficult person.

He should have recognized the seriousness of the situation and gotten himself to the ER by whatever means would get him there fastest, but he did not. Too bad he wasn't at work at the time because somebody there probably would have taken the situation in hand.

Trust me I can totally sympathize with your situation, more than you suspect! Please try to get past it as best you can.