My world is caving in

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My head hurts and I keep hearing sad sounding music in the back of my mind. I'm trying to take a walk in the woods but I don't feel my legs getting any exercise and nature is refusing to heal me. I can't find a place of peace to escape to. Wherever I go I am surrounded by people who judge and mock me. Why couldn't I have just died 12 years ago? Why was I even born?

Last edited by Marknis on 14 Oct 2018, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't give up hope Marknis, have you taken steps to treat your depression? Please take care of yourself, okay?

I'm sorry for your loneliness.

Hope you can feel me patting you gently on the back.

was the original post written by me? em. i dont think i have split personality atop of other things. or do i?

i am not trying to troll. i just so fragging feel the same. there is demons in my head and its more than i can take.

and i dont have the answer. if i find one, i bring it. try to hold on.

the OP needs a major change of scenery. NOW.

I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could reboot my brain. It would erase everything that I am but atleast the depression would go.

some parts of the country are more depressing and less helpful, than other parts.

If you are getting treatment, perhaps it's time to seek help from another source if what you are doing isn't working. Changing your state of mind might help you achieve other goals that will in turn bring you the happiness that you seek. auntblabby is correct, your current environment is only compounding the problem. Moving to an environment that will suit your needs would bring you a better chance of seeing your goals come to fruition.

Sometimes, the concept of a "reboot" isn't such a bad idea. I've used this concept from time to time myself. Thus I have to ask: Marknis, is there any aspect of your life that you want to change, that you could change? This most likely would be something under your control. And of course it may not be possible if you are severely depressed which, as others have noted, requires treatment.

Yet sometimes the seeds of a plan can be found in cases where one feels completely not in control.

What treatment can do for you is help allow you to sort the things you can't' change from the things you can. A lot of us have been, are, or will be in this situation from time to time and so we know all too well what it's like.

I was in a similar place to the OP a few decades back, and the "reboot" was forced upon me due to the "Reagan Recession" which decimated the employment opportunities for me and many others sans degree, so I was homeless for a bit then swallowed the bitter pill that I likely would be homeless for YEARS unless something changed, and the only change agent available to me then was Uncle Sam's Army. that was a major reset, but it worked. it got me definitely out of depressive Dodge in a way nothing else could or would, and gave me a major change of scenery, I was a fish out of water for sure [along with most of the rest of my basic training platoon] but we survived as will the OP if he gives it a try.

I wish I wasn't constantly plagued by anxiety, shyness, frustration, loneliness, emptiness, worry, hopelessness, and helplessness. I feel like my brain is constantly malfunctioning and there is no existing treatment for me.

just like with malfunctioning 'puters, the only solution is a total system reset.

If I were to commit suicide, would anyone care or would they forget about me?

I would care.

Of course people would care, I know this from my own personal experience from attempting suicide. Marknis, please get some help.

suicide is futility, don't give in to it. if you succumb to it, you have let the people you don't like, WIN. stick around and continue to be a thorn in the side of the people you don't like.