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Joe90
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22 Oct 2018, 6:56 am

I'm on antidepressants but at the moment I feel all depressed and anxious. I keep beating myself up inside about things and believing that I'm stupid. Four of my colleagues at work have formed a clique and they often arrange plans and talk about them and I feel excluded. They are all in their 20s, so are around my age, and it'd be nice to be included but I suppose I'm not interesting enough. And I don't like to ask if I can come along, that won't work. My boyfriend tells me I shouldn't get so emotionally involved with them but I can't help it. I see them every day at work, I have to interact with them, it's hard not to overhear what they are doing outside of work. Also they are loud and they take over the whole place and so it's hard to block them out of my world and 'not care' about them. I did once say, "maybe we can all arrange a meet-up at a weekend or something" and one of them was like "yeah we could" but I don't think it will materialize, and it's no good me just arranging something because I'm afraid of rejection or abandonment. It's hard when you're not popular to get involved in things. It's disheartening too.

Sometimes I just feel like hiding away, getting lost in movies and letting the world get on with it.


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Piobaire
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22 Oct 2018, 10:26 am

I certainly hope that you are getting some actual therapy, and not simply being dismissed and sent home with a pill bottle with 25 refills.
For the "beating myself up inside about things and believing that I'm stupid", I've found CBT to be extremely helpful; you might try a web search for online CBT, like this or this. I found advice to "learn to love myself" or "cuddle my inner child" spectacularly unhelpful; I'd just too much self-hatred; and it was too deeply ingrained. The best I could achieve was committing to a 'cease fire'; to the best of my ability, to refrain from constantly bullying myself. Once I could achieve that, the CBT helped me to learn to disregard the negative hostile (and untrue) self-talk.
I've found meditation to be very helpful. As I (and most folk with depression) tend to be overly ruminative, I find meditative techniques with a point of focus, like counting the breath or following the breath, much more helpful than practices that encourage excessive introspection.
I also find it extremely helpful to spend time outdoors in nature. I practice a mix of Thich Nhat Hanh's "kinh hanh" (walking meditation) and "shinrin yoku" (forest bathing); I do my best to simply refrain from thinking, and instead focus my open attention upon the sights, sounds, and smells of the forest, in complete silence.
When all else fails, I simply remind myself that "feelings aren't facts", and depression is much like rainy weather; it comes, stays a while, and eventually passes. "Regardless of the shadows that cross the moon to make it appear less than it is, to the moon, it is always full. So it is with us."
May peace be with you.

"No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease."
Eihei Dogen



Last edited by Piobaire on 22 Oct 2018, 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Tufted Titmouse
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22 Oct 2018, 10:45 am

Piobaire wrote:
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I have no idea what NC is like, but Essex is almost certainly the worst place in the UK to be Autistc from my experience.



Joe90
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24 Oct 2018, 1:34 pm

I don't feel so depressed now but I feel tearful. This might sound weird but I keep feeling the same separation anxiety I felt when I was little, when being away from my mum. I live 25 miles away from her and I try to see her at least once a week, but I still sometimes want her when I'm feeling emotionally fragile.
My boyfriend snapped at me earlier because I had my music on and he couldn't concentrate on what he was doing. My music wasn't on loud, and he usually has his music blaring out when he's doing something that requires concentration, but I think he was just in a huffy mood, still I don't like being snapped at. I don't know why men get so grumpy. I suffer with anxiety and I'm a woman so I get a period every month and PMT, but I don't go around snapping at people.


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