I just can't stop thinking about wanting a girlfriend

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12 years ago, I was turning 18 and I became depressed because I didn't have a girlfriend while most of my classmates were in relationships. I felt sad every day at school and even the school counselor couldn't help me. She told me I needed to be happy with myself but I hated myself because I wasn't good at the things I wanted to be good at and no girls expressed interest in me. My mother also forced me to volunteer at the library as well as driving school. I kept seeing couples at both places while I was alone. The year started rough and ended with me still distraught and lost.

Ever since then, I can't go through the day without thinking about how I don't have a girlfriend and I fear it will always be this way until I fall into oblivion (I sometimes hope there will be an afterlife but I tend to feel like there is nothing after death these days). I tried to change my situation and get out of my rut in various ways in my 20's but my efforts failed and now I am 30 still feeling depressed and hopeless. I feel like I am being told I am "messed up" to ever have a girlfriend and I should just give up when others tell me to not focus on dating while it's ok for them to focus on dating.

Even when I am doing certain activities, I think about the fact I am alone. Whenever I eat out, I'll see a couple eating together. Whenever I am shopping for things, I'll see a couple browsing as well and sometimes they'll kiss. If I play my guitar, I won't have anyone playing along with me. If I take a walk at the park, I will walk alone. If I play a video game at an arcade, even if it's a multiplayer one, I won't have a girlfriend to play along with me.

She was telling me I needed to be happy with myself or else love could never enter my life. But how could I be happy when I didn't have any real friends, no special talents, and my future looked so bleak?

Do you want a girlfriend because other people have a significant other and you don't?

I feel you're letting envy overtake you a bit here. I know ... I went through a similar phase like this years ago. Thing is, getting a girlfriend isn't like buying a new car or finding yourself in a new career. Having someone you've attracted into your life requires being attractive in some way in the first place. Right now, from what you've typed out in your original post, shows desperation and loneliness. Those emotions send negative signals to everyone around you including the opposite sex.

I guess the best question you should ask yourself is "do I love myself?" If your answer is anything but a "yes" you're not ready for a girlfriend, let alone attracting one.

Sorry, but you can't post you hate half the forum and forbid them from responding.

I don't get what kip did to you, but this should stop.

Also, posting repetitive threads on the same subject is against the forum rules. Please post in one thread only. Thanks.

I still think I have the right to express that I am unhappy being single and I do not like how I get treated poorly in my daily life. I just can't pretend I am a robot who doesn't feel anything.

I was also told (or my parents were told) all the stuff I would never be able to do. And I mean very basic stuff since I was severely autistic.

However I was determined enough to be able to do certain things that were on the can't list.

For me there's a tricky balance between being determined and wanting something too badly. A determination to succeed, but a willingness to accept life as it is.

I think really it is not you have to love yourself. It's more like you have to accept yourself.

That's just my rambling thoughts.