Thinking things through

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I have been trying to help an aspie gain some independence in his life, but his parents put up major road blocks and now they have decided I can't work with him anymore. They do not like it that I encourage him to make his own decisions. They act like they give him "choice" but when he makes a choice they do not like, they hound him until he "chooses" what they want him to do. They are not the guardians, but he does what they say, none the less. So I feel badly for this person, but also realize that helping him has been taken out of my hands and I have to let that go.

I have taken on parents from time to time, and sometimes I "win" (which really means the person gets what he wants) and sometimes the parents "win." It makes me so sad and frustrated to watch parents quite literally smother the life out of their children in order to meet their own needs. I am sad to say that, while I care deeply about each individual, I also care about the "win." I don't like to lose in these situations.

I wonder if I could have done something differently to "convince" the parents. Or maybe I should keep quiet and just do what the parents want and be as supportive as I can be without angering the parents. I feel like that would be like Vichy France, accommodating the enemy and trying to ameliorate the negative effects as best as one can while working with the enemy. I don't really think I can do that, but sometimes I wonder if that would be better for the individual I am trying to help.

I was moderately upset today when I learned I had been "fired" and I can get too emotional and take it out on others. Not by literally blaming others, or causing fights, but just by having all the negative energy and being so p$%^ed off. That then deprives me AND my friends and loved ones from the natural healing of loving relationships. So I have mostly worked through it (again...), but am also working some of it out here on the forum.

Thanks for providing a listening ear...

I would get frustrated, too, if I saw that parents were trying to stifle a person's independence. What's going to happen when both parents expire? What will this person do?

I don't take "losing" well, either. When I do "lose," I'm always seeking to find a way to "win" the war, while conceding that I lost one battle.

Possibly, avoiding a win/lose mentality would serve everyone better in these cases. Perhaps a family conference in which you discussed treatment goals could have given an opportunity to talk about the "least restrictive environment" being desirable for adults on the spectrum - and how could that best be achieved? Then visits from a mental health aide could be offered, or day treatment programs that would enable the client to socialize and have recreation.

Remember though that these parents have known the client his entire life, while you only knew him a few years if that. They may have gone through stresses involved in cleaning up after his missteps. They may be holding him back for their own selfish reasons, but some of those reasons could be understandable, such as keeping him out of jail, keeping him off drugs and alcohol, paying for expensive mistakes he has had, and so on.

All in all, I'm sure you are a very positive advocate, and I salute your willingness to inspect a situation for ways to make it better. If any of the above suggestions don't fit the current reality, I trust you to simply disregard them.

I wanted to thank Kraftie and Bea for your thoughtful responses. I have given this a lot of thought, mostly over my three week solo canoe trip. I wrote many replies and thoughts and analyses that became so convoluted...that is my tendency. With presenting a doctoral thesis on the topic I thought I would share my thoughts/conclusions at this point in my life.

I appreciate Kraftie's reminder that there are always more challenges and opportunities to help others. It is important for me to remember that I am not a "savior" or a "know it all" who knows what is best for others. Sometimes my role is not long term. Sometimes it is just a hand up, a door opened, a new vision shown...and then let go.

Bea, you are absolutely correct that some of these situations turn into win/lose. Some parents see any movement toward independence a serious threat to their role in their child's life. In the particular case, the mother was over-reacting to what would normally be seen as ordinary interactions and decisions. And I still don't know what to do about those kinds of issues. It is possible this is a situation I am not not skilled at and should avoid if possible.

But lastly and probably most important, I know I was unable to treat the parents with the loving kindness and connection to help them cope. Regardless of whether I could have actually reached them or not is sort of beside the point. My practice should be one of respect and caring at all times.

So, thank you both.