I don't belong anywhere

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I've had this job for over 2 years now, and I still don't have a mind for it. Every day I skip breaks, try to study the training documents, or just keep doing the work. The new hires already know more than I do. I'm the least mechanically inclined person on this shift, the least assertive, and the least sociable.

I knew healthcare wouldn't work out because of my issues with empathy and social burnout. Now I'm starting to crack at the seams on this new career path, I'm losing my drive, having trouble focusing, and getting irritated at minor setbacks.

I'm 35 and I'm just as useless as I was when I was 25 or 15. It terrifies me to think that I'll live to see myself as a failure the whole way though.

Now my lovely impede yourself a moment and listen to Mary, that's my name. I think you spend far too much time perturbing yourself and not focusing on what is most important and that's you my sweet. I used to be like you, I made mistakes at work and often did not speak to my work colleagues. I felt shy and thick for not being able to do what everybody else could. I worked in a hospital for a short time where I made beds, cleaned and often fetched items for the patients. I wasn't quick and I had to do things in my own way and time but that was the way I liked it. I could do the job and despite what others thought of me I got on with my work and did things the way I wanted to. You are only 35 and have your entire life ahead of you, 35 for me is so long ago I can scarcely remember how it felt to be that young. It is my belief that you are bothered by your colleagues because they are more quick than you, well my advice there is to stop trying to be the better worker and continue as you have been and keeping up the good work. Work at your own pace and enjoy your life my lovely.

Thanks for sharing Mary, you made your own path and didn't let things discourage you, I'd consider that a victory.

I can't settle now, I don't have enough to offer the world, my salary doesn't allow me to support a family or buy a house. I need to become an engineer, that is my surest plan for financial stability, I just can't find a way to do it on my schedule, none of the classes are flexible enough time-wise.

Also, becoming an engineer will require my to change my thinking for the better, I'm at a point where I need to study and learn the proofs behind mathematics and the science of electromagnetism. If I learn this on my own, I can take online classes and handle the pacing better (they move fast). I want to become an engineer badly, and my long term goal is to become one.

Getting organized is going to be a major task, I have lots of stuff to get rid of, lots to sort out, no system in mind, I panic every time I think about it, but I still have to do something. Being disorganized affects my attempts at studying, so do interruptions, I try not to have friends because they're a major source of interruptions.

I just went into a meltdown, I panicked, I've been sluggish all week. Sometimes when people talk to me, I have trouble integrating the meaning of what they say to me, and I panic because I think they'll find out. This is happening a lot now, and I don't want it catching up with me.

I don't spend nearly as much time studying my job as I do working. I spend virtually no time at it on the weekends, it feels like I already have my hands full as it is. But I'm learning it slowly, and I often miss things on the job, my foundation is shaky, my only saving grace is that I stay busy and get work done. With my meltdown, I'm losing that edge. All of my worst flaws are coming to the surface, I lose my temper quickly, I scream, then I'm sullen the rest of the day. People can only see so much of that before they don't feel safe around you.

I have dreams beyond all of this, but I can't see a way out.

well u are getting a meltdown aftermath right now. it will wash off. also u might in this s**t state be dismissive for "unnessessery" stuff like food supplements (there are cheap one), comfort treats, proper leisure. i might be wrong but u look like having chronic fatigue, among other things.i dont have good ready answers to ur problems because my own plate is overfilled with simmilar stuff and i really am not on top of it. but i know that small comforts we tend to deny ourselves when we are down, really help to get up. go for it)

i dont want mods swooping on me again for "taking over" a thread) lets just say its a lot of stuff from different areas. and when it gets on me, i get down. efficiently. then somebody has to pick me up. but my problems, whatever they are, indeed dont make urs less important or decrease ur need of help. and im here for that, not to rant about my own s**t) having ur food organized sounds cool. having sweets is defo a good idea. try getting some vitamine complex. esp that now is autumn, need to support the body. also, cant be sure for name but there are pills to enhance work of ur brain. make it more regulated. i rather send u to ur doctor with that, cant give that sort of stuff off a forum. maybe u should have them) we are thin, we need support medicines. u gonna be through this. its just a downtime. we all get that)

Becoming an engineer requires aptitudes in math and logical thinking. And, for the most part, the folks who are really good at knew that when they were young.

There are trade jobs that can provide excellent income that don't require those math and thinking skills. I think it is more about being able to learning and following the rules, rather than understanding the reason the rules were chosen.

u were not a different person, no. just well, that stuff dulls out the spikes, ya. a bit. sorry, i wont go in depth, i have bad story at neuroleptic treatment. and passing for nt is not the goal. i mean, well, if u ahve that goal, its urs. i've lived like that for years. passing for NT as best i could. i regret it. sorry, im trying to not break out here, i better be short. im in meltdown atm.

tyvm, but i just dont want to get started. what u wrote i totally and fiercely relate with. sorry for no details, im just not in the shape, and u had put it quite well urself. so no need to write back a mirror answer when u get it urself. i mean, cheers, or something. sorry, im out of my element today. i wish u find some way of ur own.