Back to self harming

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I guess you could say I’ve been doing that in a number of ways already depending on whether you count bad eating habits or picking at scabs already there from anxiety, but after having gone over a year without cutting since April of ‘17, here I am again last night doing it out of feeling worthless.

No big deal since all it will do is leave marks the barely anyone will ever see any way, but this seems like one of few outlets I have left to try and get out any stress or self pity. Talking to friends and family doesn’t work so well as I get older, and my hobbies haven’t really done much to combat my depression either. For anyone who’s read my thread in L&D, it almost feels like I’m better off just not having much going on, because whenever I get my hopes up for anything, I come crashing down much harder, and then it’s difficult to get anything done or to enjoy anything else I have in life.

u have gaming listed. thats quite a stress relief in my experience) then i also can delete characters i liked, keeping self harm digital more or less) helps a bit xd

Shinku Tora, have you given any thought to getting another cat?

Maybe this makes me seem like my affection for pets is superficial, but I've always found it beneficial to get a new one so I don't feel so sad. I have two cats now, and they make me so happy.

Thank you both for the suggestions.

Living with my family, we actually still have 5 other cats between each of us. I didn’t pick out any, but Charlie was always there for me. Now that he’s gone, it almost seems like Diane has claimed my room as hers. I wouldn’t mind so much but I feel guilty taking care of another pet so soon...as much of an atheist as I am, maybe it would do more good to try to believe Charlie would want another to keep me company, and told them to do so.

All that said, it makes me feel worse to say the major cause of my depression seems to be the absence of my current obsession, someone I only met this past June. I don’t know how many, at least on the spectrum, can relate to the feeling of getting along with someone so well that you don’t realize how much you do until they’re gone.

Have had been closed off to any feelings of infatuation for years, but perhaps that’s only been possible due to there really being no one I actually liked being around for so long. I guess it’s kind of inevitable when you aren’t used to people being friendly to you, that you’d take it to mean more than it actually is.

Kind of relieved to find she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone apparently - well, it worries me for her, but at least it’s not necessarily something I did. Plus she’s on vacation so maybe doesn’t want to be reminded of work. Then again, I’ve noticed a bit of a change before just recently too, but even so I’d figure she wouldn’t have invited me to her party if she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

In any case, you can see I think about stuff like this far too much, it’s just not healthy to tie my self worth to other people, but it is so difficult not to do.

Today, I visited my old job to bring in cupcakes and do a bit of Xmas shopping. A lot of my old associates seemed pretty glad to see me, and it felt good to think my old boss was miffed that I wasn’t there to beg for my job back.

Although that is good validation, is it really healthy to judge myself entirely that way? By how others may perceive me as good or bad, useful or not? Admittedly I don’t think any good deed I do is altruistic, but then I have a hard time believing any ever are.

What I’m looking to do, I think, is to find some inner way to be content. Something where I don’t have to rely on outside objects or people. I suppose there are things like that, and I guess if it was so easy then everyone would be happy.

there are things u cant help. such as, ur validation needs. it surely beats validation by destruction, m? u get, indeed, a good validation. and the way u feel about it just shows u as a generally good person. validation by positive responce, validation by creation, yes, it does make u vulnerable, but it also makes u a deserving, fine person. its a deep moral choice we make. what mark we leave after us? (and there are a lot of burn marks in my wake, as well as metaphorical trees i'd planted. no real ones though xD) sometimes we need to fight fire with fire, sometimes we need to dig a pond. there will be people, who will never give a positive responce. have to omit that. what matters, is those who do.