Anger, love and boundaries

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magz
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10 Dec 2018, 5:46 am

My kids got sick, one after another.
There were three weeks of hugging and comforting complaining little ones. Caring to their needs. Being loving, caring etc.
Last evening I denied any touch to my husband. I was fed up with hugging. This morning I woke up hating all the world. I made myself hot chocolate to calm a bit just to be able to send the kids to school. I still feel this hatred. Or maybe not hatred? Anger? Wraight? I'm poor with naming emotions.
Maybe it's about my boundaries, it's calling to care for my needs this time. It's an enormous emotion. I feel like a berserker and it's likely because my closest ones are not leaving me the space I need to breathe.
I don't want to hurt them so I don't want to release it. But I know I can't keep this pressure inside me for long. I envy my husband who can stay at work for as long as he needs to. I have to go back to get the kids on time and care for them...
No, I can't do it any more. But I must. It's my responsibility.
How not to hurt them?


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fifasy
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10 Dec 2018, 7:29 am

You could come up with some kind of game that involves an element of aggression to let it out. Like all wearing a fancy dress costume and you get to play as the queen while they are medieval soldiers being bossed around by you. Stupid idea? The best I could come up with.

It sounds a pretty tiring situation.



blazingstar
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10 Dec 2018, 7:40 am

Take time for yourself somehow. Get their father, another relative, a friend, a paid carer, someone to care for them and give you a break. By all means do not hurt your children or threaten to do so.

Caregiver burn out occurs even with NTs. You are not alone.

Breathe.


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Piobaire
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10 Dec 2018, 7:46 am

You can't draw water from a dry well. In order to continue to pour yourself out to your family, you must be replenished as well. While they're at school, make emotional self-care a priority; the laundry & dishes can wait. Discuss how overwhelmed you're feeling with your husband, and explicitly ask for his help in caring for the children in the evening; there's more to being a father and husband than just bringing home a paycheck. You might want to learn some stress reduction, meditation, and/or relaxation techniques to help you develop the space you need.

May peace be with you.



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10 Dec 2018, 7:55 am

This is why I don’t have kids. Too much responsibility!! !


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BeaArthur
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10 Dec 2018, 9:53 am

Check into a rather nice hotel for one night. Let your husband know he is going to somehow get all the family responsibilities covered, even if it means he has to take a leave day from work.

While at the hotel, use the spa if there is one, have a drink or two in the piano bar, order room service for all your meals or if you prefer, eat at nicer restaurants.

Don't take any calls. Let your family know in advance that you won't be taking any calls.

I bet after just a single day of this, you will feel a lot nicer!


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AnneOleson
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10 Dec 2018, 8:41 pm

I agree with Bea. Make sure the room has a big bed. You’ll have it all to yourself! Sleep in, if you like that. Put out the Do Not Disturb sign.



serpentari
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11 Dec 2018, 2:17 am

living alone with an extraversive allistic toddler, i know this feeling far too well. it is feeling of being drained, deprivated and frustrated. a defensive reaction, meaning that ur emotional resourse is below safe level. ur body and mind tell, we need rest. i deal with it by blasting unhealthy amount of mobs in any video game i feel like for, in digital company of people who care for me. channeling this anger, venting out, taking it on things that cant feel (computer-controlled, non-existent opponents). i know my solution doesnt fit many ppl, but maybe try? tho ya key thing, need to be undisturbed. whatever u do, u need ur own time alone. u've overexerted urself, u need to be unloaded. in whtever means u pref. its not wrong to feel that way, its just a signal. take it, please. u need care too.


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magz
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11 Dec 2018, 3:53 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Check into a rather nice hotel for one night. Let your husband know he is going to somehow get all the family responsibilities covered, even if it means he has to take a leave day from work.

While at the hotel, use the spa if there is one, have a drink or two in the piano bar, order room service for all your meals or if you prefer, eat at nicer restaurants.

Don't take any calls. Let your family know in advance that you won't be taking any calls.

I bet after just a single day of this, you will feel a lot nicer!

Lol, great advice, only hard to make it so :D
When my therapist asked what I would like to do, I said - go to some conference :D So I could spend my nights alone in a hotel and days with people and problems totally unrelated to my family. Unfortunately, there is no conference in my field right now :(
But I'm afraid I will have this kind of time for myself not earlier than after Christmas.

Yesterday my husband offered himself to leave work earlier and pick the kids up so I could stay longer at work. We spent an afternoon playing with Lego while the kids were watching cartoons in another room... and I could go to bed before 10, he finished the bedtime routines. Now I'm feeling waaaay better :)

It's funny but the kids accepted my explanation that "I can't hug you more. Yesterday I ran out of hugs and there were no spare hugs for daddy, which made him sad. I have to save some hugs for him. But maybe you can ask him for some more hugs?"
Seems my hugs are a limited resource :D


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BeaArthur
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11 Dec 2018, 8:27 am

WELL DONE, MAMA!


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