I don't know anymore...

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It feels like forever since I posted anything on this forum, and sadly it's gotta be this. Might as well be a super long-winded rant, but since nobody else will listen or will just get accusatory, I'll just have to make do here.

The past year has not exactly been the kindest one, in fact, probably the one where the whole time my depression had skyrocketed to astronomical levels. With many activities that have been actually helpful closing off, and being dragged into things that haven't helped into the slightest thanks to my parents (I still live with them, something I at this point despise and want out the moment I have the chance but haven't had yet), along with getting back into college after diagnoses having proven to be almost impossible to keep up with since still losing financial aid and having difficulty readjusting, it all just feels like things have gotten to a boiling point that I cannot bide my time any longer. I've got too much to get off my mind with all this, so please bare with me.

To start with the elephant in the room: I go to a technical college, since it's what I could actually get into, and was hoping to transfer to a University in a county an hour away. However, I had to drop out temporarily for three semesters due to mental health issues. While I was already diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, this was topped off with Agoraphobia (specifically large groups of people, so I don't know if exactly that) and Clinical Depression, as well as mild Schizophrenia. While I have taken some medication for this, I've been back and forth on medication so much with only side-effects happening that I've pretty much felt like giving up, and the therapist's office I used to go to has become harder to do so via a rather user-unfriendly interface for booking appointments that I haven't had the opportunity to bring up at all.

But back on-topic, I started back in college in February 2018, hoping that now that I knew what was going on, that I'd do better, and compared to how it went before, that was most certainly the case. However, they were still extremely difficult to handle, even with extra testing time and disability services. While I did get financial aid after an appeal, it was revoked from the fall semester for seemingly no reason, forcing me to rely on family for financial help, which is something I hate doing cause I've always felt like a parasite on my family and hated it. This was also coupled with the fact I had several important things going on during the fall semester that only served to make it extremely hard to focus, and by the time those passed and things could improve with less anxiety, it was too late, my grades were pretty bad with one that I desperately needed looking to be a likely failure even if I had gotten a good paper and exam grade, all caused by forgetting a single deadline due to having heavily increased anxiety over a disability court case that pretty much could determine my life for better or worse. Now that final exams are going on, I now know I'm on the cusp of academic suspension, which with the home I'm currently in, I know I can't endure.

As for the home environment, I feel completely out of place, moreso than ever before the entire past year since late 2017 and that's only gotten worse. Even so, things were put into place that have only served to extenuate this, under the stubbornly held-on idea that this is "helpful" when it's only been the exact opposite. I hate myself for having come to resent living with my mother and step-father, and the things they continue to push onto me, and that despite how hard I've tried, it's apparently just not enough that I don't agree to their ideals and beliefs. It also doesn't help that groups around me have fizzled out very quickly if I actually did enjoy them, rather than having to fake it, giving all the more incentive to stay online 24/7 just to feel even remotely accepted, something I cannot have at home, because apparently internet is bad. It also doesn't help that my own mother thinks she knows exactly what will work for me, when in fact it doesn't and I have voiced that many, many times, but it always falls onto deaf ears. At this point, I just want out, underprepared or not, Dorm or Apartment, I just want out of here and I can't until possibly January, and that's still only plausible as of writing this.

All of this compiling had pushed me to compulsively seeking out my own hobbies I already had, after everything I actually did enjoy fizzled out in South Carolina as a whole within the span of a month, just like everything I can genuinely enjoy. I don't think any other year I've been more obbsessive over the opportunity to just be alone and get online, and either Roleplay with friends, or play Competitive Pokemon, if just to escape the stress that's built up since September 2017, and now that the holiday season has come and the fall semester closes, I haven't felt worse in my life, and I can't do a psychiatric ward again, cause not only did it barely help afterwards, I saw the bill it caused, and it only intensified the parasite thing that I've hated myself for being on my family. Besides, missing Christmas when I promised to spend it with my dad's side of the family, something I haven't done in several years, would be devastating.

While I do have a great dog who's helped me through this to an extent, I can't find anyone near me who'd be able to make her into a certified companion animal for emotional support, something that terrifies me given that means I can't take her to a dorm with me, which I strongly feel would be needed if I do begin living on campus.

I bet all I sound like is an entitled spoiled brat who's lazy and doesn't try, but I'm not, as much as I know, I'm not (I am considered a millennial after all so automatically have that label thrust upon me by society.) I may hate myself a lot and barely trust myself as it is, but I've tried out many things and groups, even attempting to start one on campus that failed to take off two semesters in a row of trying. I even did my best to help around the house since I can't drive despite being in my mid-twenties, or work a job due to being incapable in several areas in the head, mostly due to anxiety.

I'm at an impasse that at the current point if I'm still denied after my disability hearing, the only way out will have to be via a noose, something that has become extremely tempting, but at this point the only thing stopping me is that I'm scared it'll hurt. I know that suicide's often claimed to be selfish and cowardly, but the fact that I've basically have proof that I'm only really a detriment to my family by continuing on, and that I don't have the balls to f*****g go through with it, I say calling it the coward's way out is beyond ironic at this point.

I don't even know what to do anymore, I just want to end it all, but I'm too much of a coward and failure to even do that, that ain't bravery or selflessness or whatever BS someone will say about it, it's f*****g pathetic, and I just don't know what's left anymore, nothing's worth it.

first of all, u totally dont and do not sound like "entitled (what u wrote there)". u sound like someone who is fighting overwhelming odds, who needs more support, who is winning where many of us lose. i was just having a long discussion with somebody else here about how it sucks to not get moral support from family, where it should be received. i've lived thru 30 years of my damn life like this. i know the feeling. all of it. i dont want to write it out, so that it doesnt trigger u and make u feel worse instead of better. i am getting u. and what u are facing is one big, nasty tangle of pain. u have come here, because u still have fire in u, and will to live. will to win. u can do it. what u are feeling is natural. emotional fatigue, being constantly overwhelmed, not getting properly accessible enviroment, as much as u need. disability does not decrease ur value. lack of attention from family does not either. it decreases THEIR value for mistreating u, not urs. sadly, disfunctional family is a bit too common when it comes to us people with mental health issues. and them deciding to not listen, to be ignorant and unreliable, is their fault. never urs. i've been there, had that, got a bit too many t-shirts. sadly they are not real, or i would be quite supplied that way xD. I AM MEANING, that i get u. u are strong, highly literate, apparently very intelligent person. u absolutely can pass those exams, given just some support. coming here for it, u are so very welcome for it. if the road is too long to follow, if the pain is too much to swolllow, if it seems there is no tomorrow, just hold on. just carry on. i've been there. sorry, im talking in circles. trying to repeat important stuff. u are NOT alone, even if it seems so. somewhere across the globe there are people who feel for u, even if u never met. somebody across the globe gives a f**k. even if ur direct proximity is so frigid for it. u matter to us, here, if nothing else. and whats more, around u, there are people, who also care, but u just dont see it. because u dont believe in being cared about. because u are afraid to look around and see only lack of responce. and responce is waiting in someone, who will come up if only gets a cue that u need it. i can bet anything, that in classes u behave like nothing happens, like u are just only as troubled as every next person. thats what we do, we hide our pain. untill it spills, and then we find out how many people gave a f**k. just were giving u space, or did not realise u need their support. ya some people are evasive for cases like this. they dont want to bother, they want to live their f*****g secure, protected lives without thinking about somebody's pain. f**k them. i never expected help, and i got it from people, who i never expected to have such a depth. casual contacts, ya, untill it was no longer casual. hold on. u are NOT alone. u are NOT in-valid. u dont really want to die, u want to break through. and u can. spread ur wings. they will be beautiful. guardian demon, over.

It is not unheard of for apsies to move out, get a car, etc. Later than their peers for reasons that mostly have to do with the way our brains function/develop, which is very unfortunate that it's like this for us, because our peers are way ahead of us with having cars, jobs, romantic relationships, etc. It's very demoralizing to see that. It's not like we intended to be too lazy to be like everyone else. Our minds are wired differently and it's led to this.

I'm a senior in HS, so I can't quite move out yet, but my dad hates me for not doing certain chores and putting stuff away. Because I feel the comfort of being at home, I just don't think about doing that stuff. So I identify with you regarding your parents thinking you're lazy.

In response to you not having a job, I just started working at Casey's recently, and I actually came out to a couple co workers that I had Aspergers. They were completely supportive of me and said "we're here for you".

What I'm saying is, getting a job, even with your condition, should not be something you should be worried about. There tons of people with aspergers and even more severe that have jobs. If you come across a bad egg who would react the opposite to the way my co workers reacted, f*** them.

One thing you could do is call the National Suicide Prevention Line and talk to someone about your struggles. Just google that.

I'm so sorry you've gotten to this unfortunate point, man. All else I can say is, don't hold your feelings in and go easy on yourself.