Unhappy with my job/career path, so much anxiety

Post Reply New Topic

While I can't say for certain whether or not I'm on the spectrum (I have talked to a psychologist who specializes in ASD, and she believes it's a possibility, but I haven't officially been tested/diagnosed), I can certainly relate to people on the spectrum who struggle with finding a suitable job/career. As a kid, I always pictured myself working with animals. But realistically, you won't find any job working that pays enough to survive, unless you can actually become a vet. I did get an Associate's degree in assistance dog education, and learned how to train service dogs for people with disabilities from a specialized university. But other than a brief internship (that paid almost nothing), I couldn't find a job doing that. It's hard, since a lot of organizations that train service dogs are non-profit and many don't even have paid employees, and just rely on volunteers. So, then I felt like I had to go back to school and do SOMETHING. My parents also really pushed me to go back, since they saved up money to send me to college and still had quite a bit left over, since my Associate's degree didn't even cost all that much. I honestly had no idea what I wanted to do, but I had to figure something out. I started out as a foreign language (specifically, Spanish) major because I had had a pretty big interest in it when I was in high school, and I excelled a lot in it. But I was worried about whether I could actually find a job with just a Spanish degree. I did have to pick a minor as well, and there were just a few choices along with the option to get a teaching certification and kind of make education your minor. I went with that, because I knew they always need teachers, but of course I was REALLY questioning whether I'd be good at teaching, or whether I'd even enjoy it. My parents (my mom, who is a certified teacher herself, in particular) tried to assure me that I would be fine, and that even if I didn't want to teach in the end, there might still be other options. But when I finished all my general education, I chickened out and I just knew I didn't want to be a high school Spanish teacher, or even go through with student teaching just so I could maybe or maybe not get some other sort of related job. It was then that I changed my major to elementary education. But just like when I picked my first major, I feel like I rushed into the decision too quickly because I just felt like I had to do SOMETHING. I feel like I didn't go into it for the right reasons. People always say that you have to REALLY have a passion for teaching to do it, and I think that's true. Well, I pretty much switched to elementary education because 1. I figured if I HAD to teach, I'd be more comfortable with younger kids. I felt like high school would be super intimidating. The kids would be bigger than me, and I just seem so young and socially awkward...some of the kids would probably be "ahead" of me socially and that would just be weird. They'd probably walk all over me; 2. Younger children, in some cases, can be easier to deal with than adults. Obviously, they don't notice social awkwardness as much, and they're somewhat easier to make eye contact with and they pretty much like you no matter what; and 3. I was honestly just feeling down and depressed about my life at that point, so I felt like maybe working with kids would make me happy, like working with dogs did. I kind of missed my elementary school days and thought maybe it would be nice to return to that environment. I also had some amazing elementary teachers who really helped me come out of my shell, and I guess I kind of envisioned myself helping kids the same way my teachers helped me.

Well, it's been a struggle the whole way. I was pretty much already feeling burned out by my second semester of education courses. I struggled with many assignments for my courses, especially lesson plans. I did manage to make all A's and B's in my courses. My instructors never had any major complaints about the lesson plans or assignments I did. It was just really difficult to motivate myself to do them and I did have a really hard time coming up with ideas, even if I did put together something acceptable in the end. I pretty much dreaded every assignment I had to do. I did talk to my parents a few times about how much I was struggling with this, but as usual, they pretty much brushed it off and said I was fine, and that it was "normal" to feel like that at first, and that once I really got into teaching, I'd get used to it. A user on here who had similar experiences to me with teaching summed up why lesson plans are so difficult perfectly..."Lesson planning involves a lot of executive function -- you have to consider and conceptualize how engaged the students will be with the lesson, how it connects to any previous work they've done, how long the lesson may take, what you might want to try instead in case the plan doesn't work, and so forth." I can't think of a more perfect way to word it.

Anyway, fast forward to internship/student teaching. I was so nervous and still questioning so much whether I could do it, but I really tried to go into it thinking positive thoughts and feeling as confident as I could. At first I was feeling pretty ok, and was even enjoying it pretty well, when I was still pretty much just acting as an assistant to the cooperating teacher. When I had to take over the class though, everything pretty much turned into a disaster. I was more stressed and depressed than I've ever been in my life. And I had never felt so low, useless, and incompetent before. I almost failed student teaching because my anxiety was through the roof, and my classroom management (and time management) was so bad. Teaching was just not coming naturally at all. I was criticized by my supervisor and cooperating teacher for taking my lesson plans up with me while I was teaching. But I had to have my "script" up there. Heck, I feel like I need a "script" in pretty much any social situation, but especially with teaching. I had a nervous breakdown almost every night as I tried to look over all my lesson plans and remember everything I was going to do/say. I still look back and feel so embarrassed and ashamed at how I almost failed. The reason I didn't end up failing was because I had two placements. The first was in a kindergarten class, and that was the one I had so much trouble with. The second was in 4th grade and it did go better. I wouldn't say I was stellar, but I passed, because my observation went so much better and that cooperating teacher wasn't nearly as concerned about my lack of skills and class management (she said management was the thing I needed to work on most, but wasn't overly alarmed or critical). I did find that I'm more comfortable around slightly older kids...again, I wouldn't be comfortable teaching teenagers, but me teaching really little kids was a total disaster too. Generally, I think I'd do best with 3rd through 5th grade if I had to pick a grade to teach. My 4th grade placement was easier because the kids weren't nearly as hard to manage and keep engaged and focused during lessons. And I didn't have to teach every subject like I did in kindergarten, and move at such a quick pace throughout the day. They were departmentalized, and I was on a team with three teachers whose kids rotated from room to room, so I only had to teach language arts and I got to just rinse and repeat the same lesson/activity with each class.

So, I barely passed, so I did graduate, and earn my Bachelor's degree in elementary education. I knew by the end of student teaching that I just wouldn't be happy being a teacher, at least not a classroom teacher. I considered trying to do something more specialized, like ESL (English as a Second Language), where you generally don't have a whole classroom full of kids, but instead just pull small groups of kids from their classrooms to work with them. Plus, I figured knowing a lot of Spanish would help with trying to get a job doing that. But I started to think...do I really have a passion for teaching kids English, or do I just want to do that so I can avoid having to manage a classroom? I only applied for ESL jobs over the summer, and not any regular classroom jobs.

Fast forward to now...I have a job as an ESL assistant/aide (not an actual teacher). The pay is much lower, but I am very glad at this point that I didn't jump right into a teaching position. Taking the aide job has at least been a way to ease myself in and REALLY see if teaching is really for me. My main job is to just visit every classroom (this particular school has a high ESL population, so there's at least one in every class, and it is a small school) for 30 minutes at a time and work with the ESL students in there. I'm only expected to plan my own activity when I work with the Pre-K students....with the others, I just go in and work with them on whatever their teacher is having them do, or asks me to do with them. But even just trying to keep coming up with activities for the Pre-K kids is stressing me out. I don't know how I won't run out of ideas eventually.

And although I do have some positive moments at my job, and I really like most of the children I work with, overall, I am just not happy. Even if I did get to the point where I was totally comfortable being an aide, it doesn't pay enough to live off of, so it's not a good long-term job. But with the way I'm still so depressed and anxious with this job, I just can't see how I could handle being a teacher (classroom or ESL). I'm honestly trying to hide the fact that I'm a certified teacher from the teachers at this school, because I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I am a certified teacher and am still not good at classroom management and can't control the kids (again, particularly the younger ones), and am not that great at teaching/explaining things in ways that kids will understand and truly benefit from my help. I don't have to manage whole classes often...but one thing that I wasn't told about until after I was hired was that sometimes, the ESL teacher would have to have a meeting with a student's parent(s) and with his/her classroom teacher, so I would have to watch the class while the teacher went to the meeting (which sometimes is as short at 20 minutes, and other times ends up taking over an hour).

Here are the reasons I'm not enjoying my job a lot of the time, and/or I don't think I want to pursue a teaching career:

-Planning lessons is hard and stressful, and I basically get no enjoyment out of it and just don't feel like I have that true passion for teaching that's really needed to be a teacher

-Teaching is extremely time consuming and I feel like you just don't get to have a life. Another reason I was miserable during student teaching was because I couldn't engage in my special interests anymore because I was so busy planning. I'd really rather have a job where I could just go home and forget about it for the rest of the day, rather than have to keep worrying about it and planning.

-I'm just an introverted, shy, awkward, and fairly passive person. Not that great at engaging the kids, or at being firm/a disciplinarian. And again, just have really bad multitasking and organizational skills, which also makes classroom management/discipline difficult, even when I do try to get more tough/firm. And I just hate when teachers or other staff at the school (especially the principal) are around while I'm alone with a whole class full of kids, because I'm embarrassed and feel like they're judging me for not having control over the class (especially the ones who actually know I'm a certified teacher and not just somebody with absolutely no experience). The kindergarten classes at this school are SO insane and wild. I mean, the kindergartners I taught during student teaching were chatty and it was hard to get them to stop talking and pay attention, but they NEVER exhibited such extreme behavior like I've seen with these kids. I even hear their teachers complain about how out of control they are and how they are the roughest class they've ever taught. And I've had to not only stay in their classrooms alone with them, but I've also had to go in during their break time, which meant I had to take the whole class to the restroom, and try to manage their behavior and buy their snacks out of the vending machine at the same time. Their teachers at least have some control, but when I've been with them, they've screamed and gone completely wild in the bathroom, and in the classroom, several of them are jumping out of their seats, and trying to wander around the room and grab stuff that they're not supposed to be touching at the moment, and even getting physical with each other. I've seen them do these things at least to some degree when they've had subs, so maybe it isn't just me and they try to test every new person who comes in their room, but still. I just can't imagine being those teachers and having to deal with behavior issues all day long. And really, even though it seems like the older students are generally more manageable, it's still kind of a crapshoot. You can still end up with an unusually tough class with a lot of behavior issues in any grade level. And it really is kind of hard for me to understand the kids who behave like that and know how to deal with them. Again, the ones I really relate to are the ones who are like me when I was a kid...shy and intimidated and afraid to speak up during class.

-I completely panicked during student teaching when I had to be observed, and I just don't see that getting better at this point. ESL teachers definitely have to be observed too.

-I'd have so much anxiety having to deal with parents. I've had to do morning duty (standing outside at the car line) before and it's all just so awkward having to try to smile and say hi to all the parents that come through.

-The job tends to be draining and mentally exhausting. It's hard to be "on" all day long for the kids. I also have no breaks, other than my lunch, and two little 5 minute breaks that I was able to schedule in between my rounds to the classrooms. It's been hard for me to stay on schedule (trying to come to a stopping point with whatever I'm doing with the students in one class, and getting to the next one on time). I also have IBS, which flares up REALLY bad when I'm stressed. I often have no choice but to just go and sit in the bathroom having diarrhea for 10 minutes (sorry, TMI) while I'm supposed to be in a classroom. The principal has already told me that I need to make sure I'm always where I'm supposed to be at all times, because apparently she's popped into classrooms and noticed that I wasn't in there when I was supposed to be. Because I was either in the bathroom or running a little late in the previous class.

Again, overall, I'm just unhappy, and sometimes I really think about just quitting. But I don't feel like I can, because that would be kind of a crappy thing to do in the middle of the school year. Plus, I know the kids would be sad if I just up and left and I'd feel bad just abandoning them. I actually worked in a restaurant while going to school, and I'm currently still just working there one weekend day, and some extra days when I'm on holidays off from the school job. Surprisingly, I came to really enjoy that job and I really, really miss it right now and always look forward to going back on weekends. Granted, it's a fairly easy job, but I still feel like I grew so much there. I actually started to make friends with my coworkers and even some of my managers, and it's really the only environment that I've ever felt so comfortable and accepted in, and so free to be myself. I've overcome some of my social awkwardness/anxiety by learning to talk to customers (most of which actually aren't that bad...only a handful have been truly awful), and I've even learned to make the food. I used to be terrified of even trying to touch the food, because I have such bad fine motor skills and I was afraid of messing it up, but now I can do it. I learned to multitask a bit better since we have a very busy lunch rush and there's always a lot to stay on top of. I just feel like this job helped me grow as a person, but teaching is just making me feel like a helpless, useless person who will never succeed. I just miss this past summer so much...I was working almost full time at the restaurant, but still had time to have a life outside of work. I was so much happier then. I was done with student teaching and just trying not to think about the aide job I was starting in the fall too much. I gained quite a bit of weight during student teaching, but I was actually doing well with eating better and getting exercise over the summer. And now I'm just depressed again and have no motivation, and am still overweight and probably gaining more. I still work out, but I notice how much less energy I have now. And it's really hard to eat healthy, when food is one of the only things that makes me happy at this point. I also hung out with my friend who's also a co-worker at the restaurant, and she mentioned today how they need a shift manager and thought it was kind of a shame that I couldn't do it (obviously I can't since I only work one day a week), and she would have really liked to work for me. I've thought of trying to move up to management, but I've had doubts about that, too. There's a lot more responsibility, social interaction, and executive functioning involved with being a manager, rather than just a regular restaurant employee. But sometimes I do wish I could do that, because even though it sounds a bit intimidating, almost anything sounds better than teaching right now. I do feel like I would love to work with children if it were just a volunteer thing, but when it's an actual job, it's so much more stressful.

Sorry this was so long. I just needed to vent. I just feel kind of trapped right now and don't know what to do. And I have no idea what to actually do with my life. And I've been told all the time (especially by my mother) that I'm just "too hard on myself" and that I just don't have enough confidence in myself. I really, really feel like I'm not suited for teaching, but then sometimes I don't know whether to trust these feelings because of what I've been told about myself. Is it really just me being negative and not having enough self-confidence? Or is there actually an issue? (And I ask those same questions too when it comes to wondering if I'm on the spectrum. One of the main reasons I haven't gotten an evaluation is because I know my parents wouldn't take me seriously and would think it's all crazy and just in my head. And sometimes, I don't know whether to believe them, or the alarm bells that go off in my head.)

One of the things that I wished my parents would help with was career selection.

I am a good fit for many tasks and professions but I am suited for some better than others. This selection is based on my strengths and weaknesses.

* I am honest but I fail to readily detect dishonesty.
* I can think out-of-the-box but I am shy and often will not speak up or give my opinion.
* I am a risk taker but I should make sure that I have good health insurance and life
insurance policy.
* I am a subject matter expert but I find it difficult to communicate orally.

So when I consider jobs that I or other Aspies might gravitate towards as a profession, one might consider (do I have a good skills fit, how do my particular strengths and weakness fit, are there many or few openings in this profession).

For example - I could be a good janitor. It is a rewarding job. There is little stress because I repeat the same tasks day in and day out. Routine is my friend. There are many openings for this career field. But probably the profession doesn’t pay very well and I might find it difficult to support myself and a family.

I could be a teacher – I would be very competent as a subject matter expert but find it difficult to verbally communicate this information and may find it difficult to control the classroom because of my prior experience with being bullied.

I could become a professor at a university – this is a better fit but there are very few openings in this profession and it requires years and years to gain a PhD, perform post doctorial work, and wait for an opening to materialize.

I might make a good soldier but there are times when I will disobey a direct order because sometimes the orders given are dead wrong – my INTJ personality type.

I might make a good scientist, but there are few jobs for scientist unless you become a teacher. You will probably need to have a Master’s degree to work as a lab assistant and a PhD to really be able to call yourself a true scientist and perform research.

I am different than you and my strengths and weaknesses are different than yours.

I think the first step is to list your strengths and weaknesses and see how they pair up with your career goals.

So what recommendations might I give?

I would not make a good teacher because I would find it hard to control a class because I was severely bullied as a child. But on the other hand I would also make an excellent teacher because I am totally unorthodox in my style and I would open the world up to their little minds and drive them to think critically. I would instill a world of wonder into their minds. I would probably throw the lesson plan out the window and teach them what I felt was worth teaching. That would probably mean that I would be criticized by the school administrators and perhaps let go, but at least I would teach them my knowledge.

Now I have heard that some teachers know how to control a class. Its a learned skill. So I would look for a teacher that has that particular skill. Then I would meet with that teacher and explain that you are having difficulty with controlling the classroom and ask if they might help you by giving you a few tips and pointers.

I suspect that over time, the lesson planning will become a non-problem because of the repetitious nature of teaching the same subject matter year after year. The first year will be intense, but later it will be old hat.

I generally would continue teaching until the school year came to an end. I am not a quiter. Then I might pursue other options. In your case, what are those options:
1. Working in a restaurant sounds good but being a manager at a restaurant probably will not match up with your strengths and weaknesses. One has to have good executive functions skills as a manager.
2. In my region, many people have cats and dogs. Since you like animals there are two career fields that might appeal to you.
The first is animal grooming. You can work on your own or part of a group. You could even add your skill as an dog trainer to the team. That is a valuable skill. You could even work out of your home.
The second is animal boarding. You will need a little space (land). Have a kennel constructed and care for dogs. If you love dogs, this is easy. All you have to do is feed them, walk them and care for them while people are out of town.