Reading Old Diaries

Page 1 of 1 [ 4 posts ]

Joined: 26 Feb 2017
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,311
Location: brazil

13 Dec 2018, 3:35 am

I had several attempts during my life of making diaries, I never kept them for long periods but I have a few scattered texts on old notebooks about my life, feelings and days. As I'm moving next week, I was going through my stuff and found some of them... and I feel very sad.

I grow up feeling I was an evil person, for some reason I didn't remember it but I found things aged from 11 to 20 talking about how evil I was, how wrong and rotten I was, that I didn't deserved nice things or friends.

Also, I found things that showed how much of a bitter person I was... I was just judgmental to everyone and – at the same time I had this bad opinion about me – I felt like I was so above everything.

I was truly awful... which leads me to be afraid that what if I'm still awful? I feel sorry and disgusted by myself.

underwater
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 10 Sep 2015
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,904
Location: Hibernating

13 Dec 2018, 5:50 am

Seriously, most teenagers are awful and judgmental. Also, autistic people mature a little later. I wouldn't worry about it. Lots of people wrote terrible things during their teenage years. It's not a fantastic period for most people, nevermind that Hollywood movies pretend it is.

Be nice to yourself. You were probably just very unhappy.

_________________
I sometimes leave conversations and return after a long time. I am sorry about it, but I need a lot of time to think about it when I am not sure how I feel.

HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,017

13 Dec 2018, 6:00 am

ltcvnzl wrote:

I've often felt similarly, and still do from time to time. I think it comes from having to mask and from being in a world where you're constantly bombarded by painful sensory information. When you're constantly made to feel wrong or pretend you're not in pain, it can feel "wrong" to be happy or get your way, as if you're doing something evil.

xxZeromancerlovexx
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jul 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,915
Location: In my imagination

13 Dec 2018, 11:09 am

underwater wrote:

I can relate to this. We all write embarrassing stuff in our teen years. I wrote stuff and when I think about it I cringe. A family member read my old journals once and told my therapist at the time what I wrote. It’s not my fault we all can’t be wholesome aspie girls who care about trains and idolize other success stories on the spectrum :roll:

_________________
“There’s a lesson that we learn
In the pages that we burn
It’s written in the ashes of the fire below”
-Down, The Birthday Massacre

Page 1 of 1 [ 4 posts ]

Jump to:

Reading Old Diaries Post Reply New Topic

Reading Old Diaries