My own autism doesn't count though

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TUF
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16 Dec 2018, 10:48 am

So this old woman came over to our house where mum is resting after a long week to shout at her and tell her to move her car. I could hear all of this and was very stressed for my mum who's my favourite person, works really hard and my own autism means I have extreme empathy so when things happen to her it feels like it's happening to me.
Mum told me to stay out of it and that she wasn't moving her car. She told the old woman that she wasn't doing anything unusual.
The old woman went away, tried to call the police who wouldn't do anything because we weren't breaking the law. When that didn't work, she came and told mum to move it because otherwise her autistic son in law would have a meltdown about having to change where he parked.
Mum acquiesced because this guy might have had a meltdown.
Which is fine of course but, if that was me having a meltdown nothing would be changed apart from I'd be told off by mum (I'm 30) and ostricised by everyone. Because this guy hasn't worked out what I worked out a long time ago (how to keep the violence verbal and try to avoid meltdowns in the first place) everyone is tiptoeing around him. And because he's a six foot bloke with a history of violence who could beat someone up.
It's just such double standards. I wish the old woman had come around politely and asked politely instead of shouting at mum and said 'I know it's unusual but my son in law's autistic and has to park in the exact same spot every week'. That would have been reasonable but this family are just full of violence and shouting.



BeaArthur
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16 Dec 2018, 6:00 pm

TUF wrote:
a six foot bloke with a history of violence

Your mom's action was reasonable.

Don't spend too much time worrying about a double standard. There are always things that are unfair in life.

Of course, you could get yourself a reputation as someone with a history of violence... but do you really want to do that?


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TUF
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16 Dec 2018, 6:39 pm

True.
I would like to be someone with a history of calling the cops though. I just don't have the guts.
I mean come on, the bloke is older than me. If his mother or father couldn't get through to him to stop being violent when he was a kid/teen, and if he isn't bothering to do it/able to do it himself then either he needs to get arrested or sectioned cos violent adults shouldn't be out in public.
I'm just fed up of every neighbourhood we go to we're the ones that get bullied. I mean me and my family. We're obviously different and people don't like us.
And I know what it is to be autistic and feel the need to be violent. When I feel that way, I go to a quiet room by myself and scream and shout. I don't hurt people. On the way, I might shout at someone esp if they're blocking my path but I never lay my hands on anyone. And I'm a short female, I just know 1 I shouldn't do that if I can possibly help it and 2 if an adult is physically violent to someone they get sent away. This guy isn't learning any lessons or if it's a medical thing (if so I suspect either more autistic than me or some other issue), being helped to solve his mental issues at all.



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16 Dec 2018, 6:58 pm

remembering that time when i was accused of discriminating against ND people. me. discriminating. (there was a fraud claiming to have "brain damage", i strongly suspect they dont, in the first place, just using it to be a f*****g holy cow). so i get lectured about respect for ND minorities. me. known, open aspergerian. ya. because i didnt jump around that likely-fraud guy like others do (and they never jump around me, btw). so ya thats how ppl think, how they react. the one who yells louder and is better at attention whorring gets everything, while shier person allways gets shoved off. thats how it works, sadly. im sorry it happened to u too.i strongly relate. hold on and try to not let it get to u. cheers.


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Raleigh
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16 Dec 2018, 7:01 pm

Look on the bright side:

You should be proud of how you have learned to conduct yourself and happy that you don't have to live with a family like the one you described, it sounds awful.


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SaveFerris
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16 Dec 2018, 7:08 pm

Call me paranoid but this sounds fishy to me , do you have any evidence that your neighbour has autism?


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jimmy m
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16 Dec 2018, 7:35 pm

TUF. When you experience a stressful situation. The chemical energy released in your body must be vented otherwise it does harm long term. This energy is stored in your legs, arms and neck and vocal cord.

Quote:
When I feel that way, I go to a quiet room by myself and scream and shout. I don't hurt people.


By going into your room and screaming your are released some of this stored energy. That prevents you from having a meltdown. So this is a real victory for you. You have learned one mechanism for relieving stress and that allows you to maintain control.

The best way to vent stress energy bound up in your neck, vocal cords and jaws is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But you have to do this in a socially acceptable manner. I live in the country and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime, I call my dog, very loudly. My voice carries about a mile. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. You might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is a person on this site that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations in New York City. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

So instead of looking at the situation as "I am not being treated equally". Look at it as a major victory on your part. And your neighbor's son has not learned these tools and he suffers because he doesn't know any different.


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TUF
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16 Dec 2018, 7:45 pm

No I don't, just rumour from other neighbours. Who simply said 'gets violent' rather than any detail. And who are the old woman's friends.
How do you mean fishy? Do you think the old woman made it up to get the parking space? I thought that and said that to mum but mum said no the other neighbours said it too.
I think if he's autistic then it's not his only thing. Either that or autism looks very different from person to person and it's very severe. I struggled with violent outbursts when I was 7 but got it under control in my teenage years. Simply being an adult or teen who's allowed to wander off when I feel like it's coming on helps/helped.
And also, I don't know if it's autism or something else but surely if an adult is going around having uncontrollable physically violent outbursts like that they have a carer and can't drive? It's weird to me.
I haven't even seen this guy so for all I know he doesn't exist and she wanted the carpark space for herself. But she was very annoyed so I don't think that bit's true.
My stepdad (suspected aspie, very shy type who doesn't normally get involved with neighbours but sexism dictates that men talk to men) offered to talk to the guy, come to an agreement etc, and that was when she said 'you can't do that he's autistic and gets violent' and mum said she's heard something like that from someone else too.
Hm Jimmy that's really interesting. I always saw it as having a meltdown just the need to shout and scream. Which is why I try to avoid doing that by not bombarding my senses. And yeah I need to try something like that singing rather than swearing and shouting how I feel at the world.



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16 Dec 2018, 7:47 pm

TUF wrote:
So this old woman came over to our house where mum is resting after a long week to shout at her and tell her to move her car. I could hear all of this and was very stressed for my mum who's my favourite person, works really hard and my own autism means I have extreme empathy so when things happen to her it feels like it's happening to me.
Mum told me to stay out of it and that she wasn't moving her car. She told the old woman that she wasn't doing anything unusual.
The old woman went away, tried to call the police who wouldn't do anything because we weren't breaking the law. When that didn't work, she came and told mum to move it because otherwise her autistic son in law would have a meltdown about having to change where he parked.
Mum acquiesced because this guy might have had a meltdown.
Which is fine of course but, if that was me having a meltdown nothing would be changed apart from I'd be told off by mum (I'm 30) and ostricised by everyone. Because this guy hasn't worked out what I worked out a long time ago (how to keep the violence verbal and try to avoid meltdowns in the first place) everyone is tiptoeing around him. And because he's a six foot bloke with a history of violence who could beat someone up.
It's just such double standards. I wish the old woman had come around politely and asked politely instead of shouting at mum and said 'I know it's unusual but my son in law's autistic and has to park in the exact same spot every week'. That would have been reasonable but this family are just full of violence and shouting.


How’d that guy get a wife 0.o does he beat her if something changes he doesn’t like?



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16 Dec 2018, 9:04 pm

TUF wrote:
How do you mean fishy? Do you think the old woman made it up to get the parking space? I thought that and said that to mum but mum said no the other neighbours said it too.


smells fishy = to not seem to be truthful or honest

*puts silver foil hat* ( humour meaning that the following is a conspiracy theory )
I am a very skeptical jaded human being and my gut instinct is , after she tried to get your mum to move the car with the police and failed she upped her game and played mind games with your mum. This only works if the neighbour knows you have autism , if she does know then I think she tried to appeal to your mums caring side towards autism and lied to get the parking space. The men in the white coats are coming now so I have to be quiet.
*takes off silver foil hat*

Autism does looks very different from person to person. When I was diagnosed I was told that I am in danger of getting in trouble with the police and my eye contact and demeanor can come across as threatening. Luckily I am only a danger to myself :lol:


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EzraS
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16 Dec 2018, 10:43 pm

I don't see autism really being a factor in this. If the person was just a big bully who throws temper tantrums, the result would be the same.



TUF
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17 Dec 2018, 7:19 am

sly279 wrote:
TUF wrote:
So this old woman came over to our house where mum is resting after a long week to shout at her and tell her to move her car. I could hear all of this and was very stressed for my mum who's my favourite person, works really hard and my own autism means I have extreme empathy so when things happen to her it feels like it's happening to me.
Mum told me to stay out of it and that she wasn't moving her car. She told the old woman that she wasn't doing anything unusual.
The old woman went away, tried to call the police who wouldn't do anything because we weren't breaking the law. When that didn't work, she came and told mum to move it because otherwise her autistic son in law would have a meltdown about having to change where he parked.
Mum acquiesced because this guy might have had a meltdown.
Which is fine of course but, if that was me having a meltdown nothing would be changed apart from I'd be told off by mum (I'm 30) and ostricised by everyone. Because this guy hasn't worked out what I worked out a long time ago (how to keep the violence verbal and try to avoid meltdowns in the first place) everyone is tiptoeing around him. And because he's a six foot bloke with a history of violence who could beat someone up.
It's just such double standards. I wish the old woman had come around politely and asked politely instead of shouting at mum and said 'I know it's unusual but my son in law's autistic and has to park in the exact same spot every week'. That would have been reasonable but this family are just full of violence and shouting.


How’d that guy get a wife 0.o does he beat her if something changes he doesn’t like?


I know, the wife and car himself thing and not being with a carer made me think that Save Ferris might be right. I mean, sure, people with autism, usually with additional mental health problems, who are violent do exist. But ones who can drive, find a woman to marry, leave home, go about day to day life without a carer and still have violent meltdowns - it all seems very convenient for the old woman.



TUF
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17 Dec 2018, 7:22 am

SaveFerris wrote:
TUF wrote:
How do you mean fishy? Do you think the old woman made it up to get the parking space? I thought that and said that to mum but mum said no the other neighbours said it too.


smells fishy = to not seem to be truthful or honest

*puts silver foil hat* ( humour meaning that the following is a conspiracy theory )
I am a very skeptical jaded human being and my gut instinct is , after she tried to get your mum to move the car with the police and failed she upped her game and played mind games with your mum. This only works if the neighbour knows you have autism , if she does know then I think she tried to appeal to your mums caring side towards autism and lied to get the parking space. The men in the white coats are coming now so I have to be quiet.
*takes off silver foil hat*

Autism does looks very different from person to person. When I was diagnosed I was told that I am in danger of getting in trouble with the police and my eye contact and demeanor can come across as threatening. Luckily I am only a danger to myself :lol:


I think your conspiracy might be right. (bear in mind I genetically have paranoid genes and I do have social anxiety so...) My stepdad (who isn't officially autistic but has no idea about what gossip is and how to make yourself either more influential or more private) already told everyone that mum has a rare disease and what it is and the ins and outs of her job where her boss is bullying her. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sharing my secrets too. He seems to think (wrongly) this is the way to get popular with people.



TUF
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17 Dec 2018, 7:36 am

EzraS wrote:
I don't see autism really being a factor in this. If the person was just a big bully who throws temper tantrums, the result would be the same.


True, except then mum would be less likely to acquiesce cos I think she's doing it because she feels sorry for him. Seriously. And this from the woman that if I even shout during a meltdown tells me off.



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17 Dec 2018, 8:35 am

TUF wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
TUF wrote:
How do you mean fishy? Do you think the old woman made it up to get the parking space? I thought that and said that to mum but mum said no the other neighbours said it too.


smells fishy = to not seem to be truthful or honest

*puts silver foil hat* ( humour meaning that the following is a conspiracy theory )
I am a very skeptical jaded human being and my gut instinct is , after she tried to get your mum to move the car with the police and failed she upped her game and played mind games with your mum. This only works if the neighbour knows you have autism , if she does know then I think she tried to appeal to your mums caring side towards autism and lied to get the parking space. The men in the white coats are coming now so I have to be quiet.
*takes off silver foil hat*

Autism does looks very different from person to person. When I was diagnosed I was told that I am in danger of getting in trouble with the police and my eye contact and demeanor can come across as threatening. Luckily I am only a danger to myself :lol:


I think your conspiracy might be right. (bear in mind I genetically have paranoid genes and I do have social anxiety so...) My stepdad (who isn't officially autistic but has no idea about what gossip is and how to make yourself either more influential or more private) already told everyone that mum has a rare disease and what it is and the ins and outs of her job where her boss is bullying her. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sharing my secrets too. He seems to think (wrongly) this is the way to get popular with people.


Obviously I have no idea what the truth is but the old woman's behaviour seems weird to me.

Starts off aggressive , calls the police , emotional blackmail.

People are weird :lol: So when I see things happen in an order that seems strange I question motives.

Like you have already said , I really don't know why she didn't just politely explain the situation from the start :roll: .


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17 Dec 2018, 8:47 am

There's pathology in that woman.

Most people just don't conduct themselves in that way.

People just don't call the cops for stupid reasons. There's something amiss in that person.

I know you're trying to make a point. That you're entitled to the parking space, too. And....yes, you are. This is a public street.

But, if I were you, I would just seek another space other than that particular space. Saves lots of hassle.