I Don't Like The Kind Of Person Depression Turns Me Into

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I'm sure this is true for a lot of people but my experience with being depressed is not flatlined, i'd compare it to a tide in that sometimes it's high, sometimes it's low, but it's always there. At its peak I can get pretty irritable and volatile, and sometimes I just want to shut down, like an overheated computer that's been left on too long. I spent a good portion of today sleeping during the day, and it was largely to avoid having to bother doing anything, as nothing seemed worth my while, but that's nothing new for me. I went to bed feeling bad about my life and woke up after a negative dream that was predictably pertinent to how I was feeling when I went to sleep. Can't avoid it apparently whether my eyes are opened or closed.

I don't like what being depressed brings out in me, and I say being depressed as opposed to depression because I don't believe for a moment that my 'depression' can't be cured simply by overcoming the things that cause(d) it, but the double-edged sword is that that's the only way it can be cured. No magic chemical balancing act pills are going to do the trick long-term for me, because the significant grievance I've had with my life starting as a teenager has kept itself latched to me, following me into adulthood and beyond, and regardless of what the reality may be, there feels to be no end in sight. So I continue living, harbouring the depressing aspect of my life, unable to part from it, and the way it makes me feel influences the way I act. I'm much less of a generous soul than I could be, as this monkey on my back continually weighs me down. You don't focus on giving to the poor or donating to charity or even being a particularly pleasant person when you're drowning, the same is true when you're drowning in your own emotional turmoil, unable to shake what's plagued you for years, unable to find your centre when the heavy weight you're carrying is dragging you backwards, unable to be whole when there's a gaping hole in your person that cannot be filled with what you have at your disposal.

Years of an inability to solve a problem so vital to my happiness has left me emotionally numb, except for when the tide comes in high and the depressed emotions come flooding through. I can't be happy now. I can't be happy until I face the bane of my existence head-on, and obliterate it into a thousand pieces, but at present, I am the humpty-esque one who is in a thousand pieces, and struggling to solve the puzzle that can put me back together.

I can't be who I am, I can't reach my true form, until I get the right surfboard, and am able to ride on the waves, rather than being striken down by them repeatedly and left to drown.

I've probably told you this before, but please read this book. It did more for me than all the therapy I've ever taken, and is maybe a two hour long read.

ok look here. im sorry if i would be repeating one of my previous posts on the topic, but. yes, depression really sucks. and all i see talking in ur post, is IT and not urself. ya, i understand it doesnt matter to u now, u are fighting another endless night, which doesnt seem to ever end. even polar nights end. hear me? even if u were on the other side of the moon, one we can never see from earth, u would get solar light, just in odd cycles.
in silence, u will hear sound
in darkness u can see the light
have u read harry potter? Rowling had so perfectly gave a body to depression - dementors, ya. kiddy book? much haha. i remember those moments every, every time. u can summon a patronus. maybe not the same was as described in book. like well, real life is allways harder than any book, so there is no one size fits all solution. my methods might not work for u, but u can devise ur own. a huge, unbearable effort at first, when becomes habitual, gets well, that. i can shake it off better now. ofc, in reality u wouldnt see no dementor, no patronus, its just well, models to use, thanx Joanne. i know many other ppl had done simmilar models and shared them, but her's works for me somehow. knowing my own triggers well enough, i somewhat contstructed a new one. controllable one. positive one for a change. its finicky, but it works more often than not. what if this helps u? please write back (even if its, what a load of BS u got there, serpentari xd)