I hate feeling left out

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One thing that makes me most depressed is feeling left out of a group. Generally I am good with reading body language, like I can tell how somebody is feeling, if they like or not like me, if they are flirting or joking, if somebody likes somebody else, if somebody looks annoyed, etc, etc. But sometimes I can't always be sure if people want me to be in their group at a particular time, and because I'm afraid of getting accused of ''following people'' (like I did at school and it did hurt), I have no choice but to exclude myself from the situation, just to keep their social approval.

There's this guy at work who is rather cliquey (for a guy), and he's often rather secretive, meaning he'll only tell certain people certain things. He doesn't ever speak to me, only if he's on his own. If he's with the others, he will just walk straight past me, even if I smile at him intending to say hello. Yesterday him and a couple of girls at work were standing having a cigarette on our break, and weren't talking about anything in particular, just small talk really. So I went up to them and joined them, because I didn't want to sit or stand about on my own. But after a couple of minutes they sort of walked off together, to a part of the workplace that's not really a ''hang out place'', and I felt it would be somewhat ''wrong'' if I went with them. So I stayed where I was, thinking that they will come back. But they didn't. I saw them just talking and laughing elsewhere (not behaving secretive or bitchy or anything, as I could tell by the way they were talking loudly as if it was just a general conversation unrelated to anything ''secret''). But I got the impression that they didn't want me around, so, feeling hurt, I just went back to the staff lounge and sat on my own, which wasn't what I wanted to do. The other girl who was with them isn't really close to them, she's rather quiet like me and stays out of gossip and stuff, but even she went off with them and they didn't mind, but I felt that if I had went with them they might have thought I was a creep (even though I know them just as well as they know each other).

I mean, how do you know if it's acceptable to follow a group of friends/colleagues to another spot? I mean, if I don't go off with them I'm just left standing there on my own, but if I do go off with them I'm at risk of being a creep, and I don't want it to suddenly be pointed out to me, as I'm sensitive and self-conscious about my social performance and I hate being lectured about harmless quirks.

God I f*****g hate having this f*****g Asperger's s**t. Trust ME to have to suffer it. Always me, me, me, unlucky. I just want to fit in, be included, be treated like everybody else, not be ostracized. I thought that sort of behaviour finished in high school, but apparently not. Having Asperger's makes me feel like I'm dumb, stupid, idiotic. I hate myself. I'm such a f**k-up.

I know the feeling well. I used to feel the same sort of disappointment.

I’ve learned to just sit in the lounge, and read a book or something....or play with my phone. I learned that doing anything else is futile.

Most of the stuff people talk about doesn’t interest me, anyway.

And...if you don’t want to drink alcohol, please don’t. I’ve known people who became alcoholics from merely following the crowd.

Alcohol does not fix us for sure.

I also sit alone with my book and my thoughts.

I think you did right by not following the group. My guess is that they did not want you.

There are some people we will never be "good enough" for. We have to be good enough for ourselves.

Also, someone who will only speak to me when others are not around really may not be worth any efforts to befriend.

This stuff is some lonely business sometimes.

One or two great friends is way better than twenty not-really-friends.

The challenge is in finding them. And more than likely not at work.

Take care of you. Honor yourself. I believe in you.

I so relate to this. It really confuses me.

There's a group who sit round the table at lunch in the staff room, but I don't like to just sit down with them and intrude so I eat lunch in my office.

In social situations I mess up too.

I had a buffet lunch at a friend of a friends house. I had just moved round the corner from them. It was nice she invited me. So at first we were all sitting talking in the conservatory, just off the kitchen, then she called us into the kitchen to get food and plates.

Because we were all sat in the conservatory before, I took my plate through to the conservatory and sat on a comfy seat and started eating. Then after a few minutes I realised everyone else was standing in the kitchen eating.

It's not horrific, but I read the room wrong. I don't know why the general consensus was staying in the kitchen. The floor was laminate all the way through, so no probs for spills.

....

Welcome to the club of clubless people.

It does make me feel miserable though, and it makes me feel dehumanized. Although I'm Aspie I still seem to have this social desire hardwired into me like the average NT, so not feeling included can really have an effect on me. I like socialising with colleagues. It makes me feel like I'm a part of something. Luckily I enjoy my job, but I do have the urge to socialise when given the opportunity too.

I think that if I was into going out to nightclubs and drinking alcohol, these 2 people would love me and make me part of their clique, as that is what they're into. It's so sad that I'm excluded just because I don't drink. Other people I know often do things outside of work with their colleagues if they are around the same age, and that's something I'd love to do too. But just because I don't drink they treat me like an outsider. And don't worry, I won't start drinking because of it. I don't like being drunk, the thought of it makes me anxious, plus I'm on Sertraline.

On a day when I am included by the other colleagues, I feel really good. The older colleagues tend to talk and joke with me more than the other young ones do, and when I'm included I literally love life. It really makes a difference on my mood.

Oh, and thanks for sharing some of your experiences in the thread.

Look don't take it personally that you're excluded, because you exclude people too. Just think of how many post in your threads that you won't respond to. It's not because you're mean, it's because you only have so many hours a day towards developing relationships so you have to be picky.

Your coworkers are they same way. They only have so much time and energy to socialize, so they have to go people they click well and exclude people they don't. It doesn't mean they trying to be mean to you (though I don't know them they might be) it just means they have to set priorities like you do.

I don't do well in groups and mainly socialize just 1on1. If it is 1on1 the person can't ignore because if they do they will have no one to talk to which solves the problem of being excluded lol.

being aspergerian and having no social desire is not synonyms. or even corresponding values. its more likely, we hide because of exactly the issue u are writing about. so we are tired of being hurt by rejection and thus dont even try (also written by others here, im just relating thru summarizing here). happens to me, happens to everyone here. and ya many NTs tell me hey, we didnt really know u wanted something with us. u ran away / didnt talk / talked in a way we didnt understand u. "u think like nobody i had ever met before". etc, and so on. they cant get a read on us the same way we cant get a read on them. and most of them just tend to turn where they understand. its natural reaction. people are afraid of unknown. we hit their uncanny valley, or we are perceived as "that person doesnt want to communicate, actually" or something. its never ending, keeps coming back, i cant control this monster, im under attack

joe, sometimes i feel that way. but tbh i well, i dont separate myself from this. its who i am. i cannot be different. sometimes i wonder how it would feel, but i know if that happened to me i'd feel more maimed than ever. my mind would still be the same, formed in a non-human brain. i would just be left deprived of my pros. things i am used to rely on to survive. and allistic tools would be unknown, clumzy, i wouldnt be able to use them. what the f*****g hell would i do with a single-streamed consciousness when i am used to operate on 5-7 streams??? i feel tied up and blindfolded when the number drops to 3 (and that happens during extreme stress and/or being tired like f**k) ya, it sucks to be an alien on planet of humans. hense our site name. but trying to become a human is not a salvation. please trust me, i tried. and still dealing with the consequences.

sorry for the double post. im not arguing to anybody, or telling u how to identify urselfves.
me, i dont have aspergers. it has me. i am an aspergerian, and well, there was one guy who had replaced his skin with that of a different color. which really uglified him.
all the clusterf**k of communication problems, of special needs and stuff, its there. never ending, keeps coming back. i keep getting hurt by people, when i tell them "i want to not talk about (smth)" but they are so waved on topic they wouldnt stop before i start to scream. i have problems with new people i meet, now more than ever, because new people means having to go thru all the long curriculum of "get them to be able to operate in 1 space with me" and too often something goes fubar with that. but still, i am an aspergerian and i dont want to be different. i know world wont change to accomodate me, either. i have to deal with that.

I am almost always left out by friends. They think of me when they need me to tend their dogs or plants (!) when they are away. For meet-ups at the local coffee shop, rarely. But then I am not really one to socialize. I'd rather make a decent coffee at home and do stuff that interest me anyway.

I used to fret about it, but no more. I live for me, not others.