My dad is dying

Post Reply New Topic

I shouldn't be too surprised. He's been fighting cancer for 11 years, and has grown more and more feeble. Then he had a bad fall last week and has been hospitalized ever since, and now he got pneumonia. Still nobody is prepared for this. He was going to come to my home (He lives in US.) for Christmas, now instead he's dying. There's nothing I can do to help. He can't talk, doesn't read his text and spend all the time sleeping. My mom still thinks he might make it. Even if that's the case, he won't be able to live at home any more and will need to go to a nursing home. Life will never be the same again. And my mom has not been managing their bills or finance before. She doesn't even know any passwords. She's still working full-time, too. This will be such a shocking change for her.

I'm also fretting about if I should fly over there to see him. I don't really want to ruin my kids' Christmas and I'm working until the 24th. But what if he died? All these uncertainty and worries are stressing me out.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

My inclination is to suggest you take some family leave now, before you were planning to for Christmas. You will be able to spend a little time with your father, and you may also be able to help your mother cope and plan her next steps.

I hope you can swing it. A very stressful time, make sure you recognize that and give yourself some slack.

I'm really sorry. I know how you feel because I don't want to even think how I would react when something eventually happens to my mom. I know she won't be around forever.

It's really sad losing your parents I imagine.

I'm sorry. May you find peace and solace enfolded in the warm love of your family.

Having worked as a hospice nurse for many years, this is what I would say. When someone is dying, visiting sooner is better than later. Sooner, you still have a chance at having a meaningful conversation or other interaction. Many people spend days or even weeks incommunicado before actually leaving the body.

In regards to your children; the way you handle this life ending business with your parents is providing a model for how your children will behave toward you, when you are dying. I personally would want to give them a good example to follow. (There is also no problem with having children accompany you. Children handle death, in general, much better than we adults do.)

Finally, death is always the time to stop everything and just be, with family, even if there is "nothing" to be done. Just be there.

That sounds terrible--I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you get to see your father soon, and I hope he makes it.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would try to visit my dad, if I were you.

My dad passed away about 2 months ago. I didn't get to say a "proper goodbye" to him, even though I did visit him. He died sort of unexpectedly.

You’ve had good advice here. I was 41 when both my parents died - two months apart. My mother passed away first. She was in the hospital after a fall. It had been her second fall and she was frail. I live a six hour drive away from where she lived and I last saw her about two weeks before she died. Her death was unexpected. My father had been unwell. I had been down to see him and take him to some appointments. I was about a five hour drive away from him when he started to fail quickly. I barely made it to him in time. We had had chances to talk about a lot of things first which was the opposite of with my mother. It helped a lot. I think it comforted us both.

A lot about my personal situation, but it was to say I had close examples of two different farewells. If you are able to, go see your father. Give your mother some support. Your children will understand. I was four when my fathers father died and I was aware of what it meant. Take care.

i am familliar with loss of loved ones. i am sorry it happens to u.

y-pod,
I'm really sorry to read what you are going through and I can appreciate how shocked, confused and frightened you must be especially at this time of year. I agree with the other posters who recommend that you go to see your father as soon as you can, if that's at all possible.

I experienced something very similar because my father passed away from cancer several years ago. He was in hospital beginning December 5th. My mother was in denial and she continued working, cleaning for Christmas, decorating the house etc., rather than visiting him because she sincerely believed he would get better. She expected to have a hospital bed set up at home for Christmas so that he could join the family even for one day. People deal with their emotions differently and there's no right or wrong way. My mother avoided the hospital whereas I sat with my father, day in and day out until the end.

My father passed away on Christmas Eve and my mother feels a lot of regret that she wasn't there. I don't just mean 'at the very end', I mean in the weeks prior when he was able to communicate a bit. Like your mother, my mother had absolutely no clue about finances, etc. It was an arduous long road for my brother and me to teach her, and we got her a financial advisor as well.

I share this story just so you know that I feel for you. If you'd like to PM me please do.

Hugs and prayers at this tough time.
Isabella

(((y-pod)))

Thank you for all the kind advices! I'm flying out tomorrow to US to see him. My kids won't be with me for Christmas but they understand. Curiously I'm not particularly stressed out about this, even though I hate travel. My head is almost always cool and rational during crisis. I inherited that from my dad. My mom is extremely emotional. Not exactly looking forward to staying with her.

Please take good care of yourself. Your mother will be very fortunate indeed to have your support and comfort at this time.
May peace be with you.

Since you started this thread, my mother's been admitted to Hospice. I guess we'll walk this road together.

Just an update: I flew there and stayed for 10 days. I went to the hospital everyday and helped look after him. He woke up sometimes and said things to me. I think he was glad I was there. We didn't have holidays or anything cheerful because my mom is moody. I did come back a week ago to have a bit of holiday with my own family, but I sent my brother over to see my dad. He hasn't had much luck with my dad, though. My dad hardly saw him and didn't say anything to him. I'm leaving again tomorrow.

Dad's not doing so great. The doctor gave him a week to live about 10 days ago. My mom just gave up on the hope of his recovery today and decided to call hospice. I don't know what she was thinking. He's 81, very feeble because of his late stage cancer, had head injury and a stroke, lost the ability to eat or drink, and contracted pneumonia. It hurts to see him suffering and dying a slow death. My mom just didn't want to give up. She fights hard about everything. There's not much I can say because she has the authority to decide on his care. I'm just glad she has some sensible friends who are nurses and doctors. I guess I'll just get ready to brace the storm.

Im glad for you that you went. I was able to see my dad about a month before he died and talked with him on the phone the day before. Twenty years later it still means a lot. Take care.

I am sorry for your pain y-pod.

My dad decided to accept hospice services about seven months before he died. They were absolutely wonderful to him.

Their doctor was able to prescribe meds that kept him comfortable and even one that helped him to be able to swallow food.

He got therapy dog visits, counselling when he wanted it, and pastoral care.

He died smiling and holding my hand.

I miss him terribly and will miss him forever.

May your father's death be as comfortable for him as possible.

I wish you comfort and peace.