Never been more suicidal

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Disclaimer beforehand: if you're a fellow man, I don't want to hear your opinions on this. They mean less than nothing to me.

I don't want to be too long-winded like I usually am so. I really, really want to f*****g kill myself. So I've been with my gf off and on for almost a decade, since we were in college. And back then, I did not respect her personal space as I should have. I never tried to have sex with her because I knew she wasn't ready. But we would still get hot and heavy. And I did not respect her body as I should have. Sometimes my hands would go places without me making 100% sure she was okay with it. They never lingered for long, as she would tell me to stop and I would. So I've hated myself for years for that. But I had always sort of hoped I was being too hard on myself like I always am and she had talked like she didn't hold grudges against me. And she would still be kind to me and we came to love each other. Then we finally started getting into nasty fights in the last few weeks and she finally called me out on near-molesting her those years ago. And I want to end myself. If anyone else had done it I would absolutely murder them without hesitation. She doesn't want me to kill myself. She says I'm not like...other men who don't even regret when they actually go through with things. Like my remorse and learning from it make any difference. I can't face her. I can't face my friends or family who know nothing about it. I can't face my sister who was r*ped multiple times who admires me and considers me a vital source of emotional support. If people knew it would all crumble. My gf has tried to say that people would be understanding but she's internalized so much mistreatment and outright abuse that I can dismiss what she says. And my shrink has said the same thing but he's an old-ass cis man so he's even easier to dismiss.

So I can either have a truthful life where I'm despised by the people I care about most or I can live a lie where I'm the sweet nice boy I try so hard to be. And I usually succeed. I make lots of people very happy. But that doesn't erase what I've done. Killing myself won't erase it either. But it can keep me from damaging anyone in the future. It can keep me from having to live each day knowing that I have to act and pretend and lie and lie and lie and lie!! by omission or otherwise. So I really want to walk into the woods and let the cold take me slowly, slowly. Step into the lake for a bit so my legs will go first so I even if I change my mind I wouldn't be able to get somewhere warm in time to save myself. Because death is already too good for me, a quick death is far, far more than I deserve.

So give me one good reason not to do it! Women of wp, give me one good reason. If it were literally anyone besides me who had done it, why wouldn't I murder them in the worst way I can think of?

I think you have both over reacted. What you did to her does not sound like sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is when she tells you no but you do it anyway. You did what any heterosexual male would do. It was perfectly normal. I think shes wrong to call this sexual abuse. You can ruin a mans life by bluffing about such things. Im sorry you have to deal with this. You should just stay the hell away from someone like that. Be thankful shes not trying to press charges. Then you might have a reason to worry. Stay the hell away from that girl for your own good. You have done nothing wrong.

What, exactly, have you "done," anyway?

She told you to stop. You stopped. That should be the end of the story. It would be sexual abuse if you didn't stop after she told you to stop.

Yes, I'm a guy. But what I say is universal.

If my opinion means "less than nothing" to you----it ain't no skin off my back.....

Kortie, he asked that men not respond to his posts. Let's respect that wish, shall we? Otherwise ...

Don't fall for the OP's one-sided account.

1. We have only HIS account to go by.
2. It is up to the victim to decide whether or not she has been assaulted.
3. It is up to the police to investigate the claim.
4. It is up to the courts to determine guilt and degree of guilt.
5. As long as the Statute of Limitations has not expired on the claim, it can be prosecuted.

If you pay attention to only a man's side of the story, you would think that no woman was ever a victim of assault, and that maybe she even "asked for it".

Don't go there!

ok so. i am a woman.
for one, what others said, if u honestly mis-understood her desires, but complied with "stop it", its not a crime OR anyhow otherwise bad act.
for 2, if u regret it, even when u were really not at a fault, then it only gives u points for morality, and its not a sarcasm.
for 3, calling u out on this after many years seems... i dont know. like manipulation? attempt to guilt trip u to reach some goal? i dunno but it totally isnt right.
it is so well, taken in society, that men advance and we women accept it or not. i have been assaulted many times. what u are talking about sounds only like an honest mistake. one, that happened a LOT of time ago and really should be buried. stopping after being told to stop, what else? if man doesnt advance, well. some women can do that themselves, but what about quite a lot of us, who want it this emm, "old way", want to passively respond rather than take any action? misunderstanding can happen on every level of reaction, thats what stopwords are for. i do not see any transgression in what i read. please rethink it. i think u are being actually attacked on emotional level for reasons unclear, or maybe just maybe u also had misunderstood ur partner on this instance, and she was NOT blaming u for it? maybe it was somewhat of a 'talk about it for the sake of clarity" thing? we women sometimes want to revisit things. please consider this. ur feeling of guilt is ur great strength and virtue, but also ur weakness. please think about it.

Lot to go over here. First off, I realize now I shouldn't have told men not to respond since they can be victims of this sort of thing as much as my gf. Second, I didn't mean to give the impression that my gf was trying to use this to manipulate or guilt trip me. We were both calling out each other for things we'd been bottling up for months or years because we're awful at doing that normally. She isn't holding this over my head or threatening to tell people or press charges or anything. I don't think she's forgiven me but she's been suggesting that I'm more upset than I need to be, and that our friends would probably be understanding if they knew (she knows them better than me for the most part).

You might be right. But she never called what I did abuse and she hasn't been using this for leverage or anything. We were both upset and being more hurtful than we needed to be.



Yes, please take what I say with a grain of salt. We're awful at communicating, but she made it clear she didn't consider this assault. I immediately owned up to it and made it obvious how awful I felt. She thought I was blowing this out of proportion, saying she didn't think people would hate me if they knew, saying I shouldn't kms. I even offered to let her kill me but she said she had no desire to (kind of dramatic of me). She kept emphasizing it was years ago and I've mended my ways and obviously feel remorse but. She doesn't forgive me but didn't seem to want me to be as upset as I am with myself. We honestly just need to talk about it more so we can be clear on more of it...



Like I've said, I really don't think she was just attacking me for no good reason. She has serious trust issues and part of our current drama is her belief that I lied to her friends to get them "on my side", which I would never do. I have the opposite problem where I feel like I've somehow misled people if they take my side on something. Which makes it very hard to consider anything comforting any of you might say to be valid because you've all only heard my account of things. But she was definitely blaming me but seemed to acknowledge that I'm not like that anymore. I've f****d up before (in less sh***y ways than this), and she always forgives me because she says consistently I own up to things when called out on them and change myself for the better.

We really need to just talk about it more... It's not like we're not on speaking terms but. She hasn't been trying to guilt trip me or otherwise use it against me. We've both calmed down a bit but. We still have a lot of issues to work out... I already was suicidal on a daily/hourly basis for the last several years but I haven't been seriously worried I might go through with it until the last few days. I don't think I will because that would just hurt her more. She still wants me in her life so I'm hoping we can work this out...

ufff. now u are recovering. yes, the issue of "i cant believe it when im told good things" had been mine for months. the issue of downplaying ur strong sides and over-percepting ur mistakes had been mine for entire life. once u had verbalized it, u can well, resist it better. u are a fine person. the only way to not make mistakes is, not do anything, ever. and the real severity of any mistake is exactly as much as the affected people had felt it. as in, if someone had quite explicitely told u, that they dont see a disaster, it only means that they really dont see a disaster, and really want u to stop seing it too. just a mistake, that clearly does not define u as a person, not by a long shot. u've corrected it on a spot. forgetting ur mistakes alltogather is unsafe, that would warrant a repetition. but letting them eat u alive is not a way either. especially when person in question is not holding any sort of grudge. the only situation where one (clearly not u) can be at wrong is, when they dont ADMIT they had made a mistake. when they consider all their actions and behaviour good, just because thats them. while u are giving out more repentance, than is asked for. let it go. when ur visavi said so.