Have a magical day

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What a strange thing to say, eh?

I had a magical one. I went from feeling low to feeling okay; I saw my therapist and they really genuinely care and it was nice to have that human contact with someone for an hour, where there's no worrying about getting a train on time, or who this stranger or that stranger is, or who to make eye contact with and how long for; where everything is straightforward and clear.

I'm trying to survive at this stage, I've been a wreck so I can't expect to feel wonderful for a while. I'd left some pots and pans in a mess for days after a drunken mishap. There was ketchup and mayo stuck all over the place. I scrubbed the kitchen surfaces and floor with vigour, and washed the pots. It felt like a marathon. I feel better just to not have a sticky, dirty kitchen. My mother and I went shopping on the way home after the therapy and I got 2-3 days' worth of food so I can know I don't have to go out for a while.

Other things I hope to do:

1) Get a low-key black coat I can wear so I can try and make myself more invisible to people when I go out. I'm thinking an outdoorsy one. A sort of fleece or something like that maybe.

2) Buy pot noodles that only hot water have to be added to. Big boxes of cookies and tubs of ice cream too. I'm passionate about cooking so haven't ever ate them much. I've at times made lots of fresh meals with veg, homemade sauces and all that. But I'm beginning to think I put too much strain on myself. Being able to bulk buy long-life meals would mean I could stay in more. At the moment I sometimes go out for something to eat because I don't feel like cooking a meal with a pan or an oven tray.

3) If I can be bothered start playing Civilization on the Nintendo Switch again. At the moment I've no interest but it can engage you for hours, a good way to pass time.

4) Try to bear in mind seeing my therapist once a week makes me feel better and I still have a few sessions left with them. There are some very kind people in the world.

5) Hope that my upcoming meeting with a volunteer officer will bear fruit. Whether I'm capable of volunteering, I don't know. Maybe if I find somewhere nice it'll increase my confidence and help me stop drinking alcohol.

6) Wait and see whether the local alcohol and drug recovery agency is more helpful for me than last time. There's an upcoming appointment.

7) Try to believe I'll experience romantic love some day.

Carry on binge watching Teachers on Amazon Prime because it's both funny and heartwarming.

9) Tell myself if I can just survive without drinking alcohol that's a kind of success. That maybe I need to lower my expectations of myself and tell myself I'm doing well to do the little things like showering, eating and managing the food shopping.

10) Try to write a book that portrays an idealised version of what I'd like my life to be. I long for love so maybe immersing in a fantasy will help me explore it without upsetting people by talking about being lonely. I already wrote one novel which was a romantic one, and loosely based on my younger years. This may prove challenging since all I have is a Chromebook which can't use software and is an internet-only computer. Can anyone think of a good way to write a novel online, where, say, I posted one chapter at at time; and where the content would be secure from deletion?

11) If I must drink alcohol, set myself strict limits. I know the ideal would be to stop altogether but whether I'm capable of that, I don't know. I got through a year in college by drinking a few shots of rum before going in each day; but I wasn't drinking like I have been the past few weeks; I've been having 1-2 small bottles of rum a day which has been quite extreme. It may be sensible since I struggled to even sit in the waiting room in the alcohol counselling place last time I attended, to allow myself a few shots of rum beforehand. A kind of trade-off. The place doesn't expect people to abstain from alcohol altogether anyway. They allow people to set a goal of reducing to a sensible drinking level. I know it seems absurd to drink a bit of alcohol before attending somewhere where they help you not drink; but it's a Catch-22. If I'm sober as I was for a few appointments I went to there in the past I'm terrified because some of the people in the waiting room have used hard drugs and are unnerving to sit near. I couldn't even manage to sit in a doctor's waiting room one time I was sober, due to a panic attack.

12) Try to not care that people often don't agree with me and find me odd. Things are hard enough without beating myself up about it.

13) Tell myself it's the fact I have some Irish ancestry that makes me want to talk to people a lot. The Irish, it is said, are lonely souls. They constantly talk because they can't bear to be alone. I'm contradictory. The Autistic part of me means I barely can manage social situations; yet I also really want company, but I feel a need to be with people who are sensitive to an abnormal degree, which is bizarre. I cannot help what is in my nature. I do annoy people sometimes but it's unintentional. I'm sure some people here think I overshare and post too many topics here. I believe it's because I perceive it differently to others, perhaps due to the part Irish ancestry. In my upbringing my dad constantly talked about feeling depressed, or would regularly tell us he contemplated suicide, there were constant mood swings. Angry outbursts, manic depression etc. I also grew up with many sisters so again it was usual to hear people talk about feelings. To me it's normal to be very open with your emotions.

14) Kneel down and pray for the good health and fortune of others because who knows, maybe they will hear the prayers in some great unfathomable unconsciousness, that perhaps we all share. And perhaps if they hear me they will know I wish them well even if I can't express it well in words and actions, stymied by my Autistic communication disabilities. I'm not religious. I'm agnostic. I don't know if there is a god or more than one, I just think perhaps to have faith in some form, even if not involving a god or going to church, might help.

15) Forgive myself for being odd and embarrassing; for at times feeling an excess of self-pity for myself; for needing more support than most people; because at the end of the day someone has to be like that, don't they? In world of 8 billion people and many varied childhoods, DNA profiles and hereditary traits we can't all be expected to turn out functionally and rationally.

As I said earlier on have a magical day. Is ending a thread with a message that makes other people the focus rather than one's self a wise move? I don't know, it seems polite and decent; but do I overthink these things? Do I try too hard? I don't know if I can even bear to hear the answers. Well, anyway I hope you have a magical day and don't mind that I'm imagining myself addressing you face-to-face because I like to imagine you can see that my expression is earnest, though I do think I now seem to overjustify myself; it just seems easier than saying less. The less said, the more confusion, perhaps. Maybe that's why James Joyce wrote the way he did. Best wishes, see you later.

I feel like this would be a good first chapter of a book actually. Take care.

I dont think you post that much. People should be able to post as much as they want here anyway. Writting a novel sounds like a pretty good creative outlet. Do give it a try and good luck!

Thanks Sarah that was a nice message to receive.

This is great you are setting goals for yourself and not let anyone interfere!

I honestly don't feel you overshare. What I do feel is that when you talk about alcohol consumption as though there's nothing wrong about it, I'm concerned it may lead others down the wrong path. I'm not a teetotaler, but I'm not an alcoholic, either.

Stick with the therapist and try to get in that alcohol program, even if it's hard for you.

I’ve never seen you so eloquent. You are a very smart man.