Housing Crisis

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My girlfriend and I have been talking about buying a house since last year. Before I met her, I was keen to buy a house when I could but I didn't have enough money for the deposit and it felt like saving that much would take ages. After my girlfriend gave me tens of thousands of dollars it seemed like I really could afford the deposit on a house. Now that homeownership was within my reach I started dragging my feet.

When buying a house was but a distant dream it seemed like a very nice one. When it was a real possibility I felt like I couldn't act. I was scared. What if I bought the wrong house?

My girlfriend and I are opposites in personality. She is outgoing and headstrong and impulsive. I am introverted and cautious and neurotic. I feel like we have the opposite problem. She'll rush in where angels fear to tread and yet my hands will get tied by fear and a lack of initiative. She takes things too fast. I take things too slow. She doesn't plan enough, I overplan.

It got even worse when my lease was due for renewal in 3 weeks and she wanted to choose and buy a house in 3 weeks so we wouldn't have to sign the lease. I said this is impossible. It takes longer than that to get a home loan. It turned out the message I sent the real estate agent was eligible and they wanted me to sign another copy of the lease. I was tempted to not sign so I could go through with her reckless plan to move out when we didn't yet know if we would find another place to live in time.

My caution one out and I resigned the lease. Another 12 months in this apartment. Not that I mind this apartment. The opposite is true. I really like it here. I will miss it if I move out. While other apartments have a tiny little balcony this apartment has relatively large one. I would stay here if I could but I don't want to pay rent for my whole life.

GF came up with a plan for us to move out in 2 months and rent this apartment for the other 10 months. I didn't want t do that because I want to keep my income below a certain level so I qualify for certain benefits. I explained it to her but she always forgets.

What I really wanted was to buy the apartment I was living in now. If only it was for sale. I secretly hoped that sometime in the next 12 months it would go up for sale.

Well it must have been my lucky day. I didn't have to wait 12 months. It went up for sale the day after I resigned the lease. So now I could get out of the lease without having to pay rent until they find another tenant and without having to pay their advertising costs. As soon as I bought the place, the lease with myself would become meaningless.

And I really do like this place. It has a nice view. It's close to public transport. I felt elated. I rushed to make an appointment with the bank to get a home loan. Joyfully I told my girlfriend. Her response baffles me. She hates this apartment.

A few months ago she was trying to convince me to buy a nearly identical apartment in the same building. I didn't want to buy it because it was slightly smaller and I didn't like the shape of the rooms. Now she's saying our current apartment is too small. How can it be too small when before she wanted to buy a slightly smaller place? She says this apartment is too far from the city. How can it be too far from the city when before she wanted to buy an apartment in the same building?

Before she was arguing bitterly in favour of me buying into this building and I refused because I felt that while that apartment was very similar, it wasn't quite as good as the one I lived in. Even back then, I wanted to buy my current unit. Now she's arguing bitterly against buying into this building.

Too far from the city she says. It's 12 kilometres away. I don't care about the distance. I car about the convenience. I don't own a car this building is only 300 metres from a major train station (one which even the express trains stop at). I would rather live 12 kilometres away by train than 6 kilometres away by bus. I can't stand travel by bus but for me riding the train is preferable even to driving. The bus gives me motion sickness and it takes longer to travel the same distance. The bus routes are often circuitous and buses get stuck in traffic. It takes me 15 minutes to get to the city by train. The bus may take longer than that, even if the distance (as the crow flies) is shorter.

But girlfriend says we can buy a place much closer to the city, with 3 bedrooms for the same price. Impossible. A 3 bedroom house really close to the city would cost 2 or 3 times as much. The inner suburbs are so expensive it is a wonder how ordinary people can afford to live there.

She says she's seen cheap houses advertised close to the city. I think her memory is playing tricks on her. I think that she's seen cheap houses and she's seen houses close to the city and her memory has combined the two. How can my apartment compete with her perfect fantasy house that doesn't really exist?

A few weeks ago she was suggesting we move into houses that were 30 or 40 kilometres away from the city. Now, all of a sudden she refuses to consider any place which isn't very close to the city. This change of heart is as mysterious as her sudden desire for a larger house while before she was considering very small places.

She keeps saying we should wait so that we can buy a large house, close to the city for only $300,000. I think that house doesn't exist and will never exist.

We argued for a long time. She said "You are the man. It is your decision". Then she said "If you buy this apartment, I will save up for another house". This is one of her impulsive plans. Buying his and her houses is a waste of money. I fear that if she actually moves out we'll drift further apart until the relationship becomes unsustainable. I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize our relationship yet other houses seem crappy compared to the one I want to buy. Nearly all of them have the wrong shaped living room to have my three TVs side by side. Also I hate moving all my furniture. If I buy the same place I won't have to move anything.

I suspect the real reason she's against my apartment is because she wants to have children and this place is a bit small for that. She wants her mother to move here from China and live with us and help raise the children. Her mother would require yet another bedroom. If she wants to have me and her and kids and her mother and still have one bedroom set aside as a storage room, it would certainly require a much larger house (one we could never afford). I don't think her mother would like it in Australia because she doesn't speak a word of English.


Also I don't like girlfriend's insistance that I tell the bank I'm single. It feels dishonest. Our combined income would allow us to secure a larger loan (not that I necessarily want to take a huge loan that would result in a $2,000 per month mortgage but it's nice to have options). She says if the bank knows I have a live-in girlfriend they'll lend me less money because they'll think some of my income goes on supporting her. It certainly doesn't. She's more than capable of supporting herself on her substantial income. The trouble is, she doesn't want anyone to know she has an income.

I would buy your present apartment.

Would she contribute towards the down payment should you get a place with an extra bedroom?

Is her mother a nice person? I wouldn’t want to live with my “mother-in-law.”

I pointed out a contradiction in one of her arguments and that made her have a massive tantrum. It seems like when you win the argument, you lose.

We're closing on a house next week, which we plan to remodel ourselves and rent out. Between the two of us, I think that this is the 8th house which we've purchased over our lifetimes. There were certainly moments when realization of the high stakes on the table engendered mild panic for me, but we've done fairly extensive due diligence, and with a bit more philosophical approach to money coupled with careful consideration of all the information gathered so far (and some relaxation and deep breathing), we're ready to sign. Certainly a major factor in the comfort level is our perceived mutual commitment to each other and our relationship.
She can be quite passionate about her ideas, and I've been assured that what I mistook for "arguments" over some aspects of this project were in fact merely "heated discussions", and that we are and will remain lovers and best friends.

Your girlfriend has a definite "plan" in mind.

And she wants to you to adhere to the "plan."

The "plan," probably, is to have her mother emigrate to Australia.

Sounds more like a relationship crisis than housing crisis to me... forget your girlfriend for a second and focus on what you want. I mean you know why she'd like a bigger place than your current one, but is that the kind of life you'd like? You know, having kids and having your mother in law living with you? If yes then you could suggest that you two buy the apartment you want and look for a bigger place when the need comes. If the plan she has planned out isn't appealing to you at all, you might want to consider if she's really the right one for you. I mean it'd be wrong of you to demand her to give up her dreams for you, but it'd be also wrong of her to plan out your life for you, especially if it's the kind of life you don't even want.

Why does she need her mother to come to Australia when she can't speak English?

Maybe because she misses her.

Chinese people tend to have strong family bonds.

If living in a bigger house with more people is a part of her plan then perhaps it would be wrong for me to render her plan impossible.

Where I live and the esthetics of the home are important to my health, ability to cope and overall quality of life. I have in the past over-focused on what was "fair" for a partner and grossly underestimated my personal cost of giving in. Just what has happened in my life. No idea what is right for yours, of course.

This is what I was thinking, too.

You and your girlfriend's decision-making style, as a couple, is very chaotic and conflicted. You try to be logical with her, she responds with emotion, and neither one of you is making very good decisions. Buying a house or an apartment is a big and complicated matter. It should be approached carefully and thoughtfully, not in a haphazard off-the-cuff manner just because a lease is up. You need to consider where you want to live (relates to commuting as well as quality of life), the budget you can afford, the type of building, those kinds of things. Ideally, both members of the couple will be in agreement on these things before a final decision is made. I don't see that happening with you two.

If you think you are having relationship stress now, wait until you both are heavily invested in a house, your mother-in-law is living with you, and you find yourself with a couple of children you weren't ready for.

In short, you are headed for a potentially disastrous outcome. If you are convinced this is the right person for you, no matter what, then go ahead. If there is any possibility that your wishes and her wishes are too far apart, put the brakes on at least for a while, and try to be more deliberate in your decision-making.

Good luck.

I know she really wants a child. It's kind of flattering when she says she wants a smaller version of me.

She feels if we don't buy a family home then she's giving up on having a child.

The trouble is we both suspect she may be infertile. I'm not sure I want to buy a family home for a child we might not be able to have.

That would be such a waste of money. And we would lose the opportunity to buy my ideal apartment.

It must be difficult for her. Or it will be if she's diagnosed. For someone who wants kids to find out they're infertile would be devastating.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 25 Feb 2019, 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There's always adoption---if you both actually want children.

Being infertile is not a disaster. It doesn't make a person "less" of a person.

Do you have a very handsome male friend whom you trust?

It’s time to test the intentions and the loyalty of your gf.

I'm going to be very honest here....I'm not a fan of surrogacy...though I understand it's needed sometimes.

There's something about a woman giving up a person who grew inside of her.

Strange, but you and your girlfriend may be made for each other. She is bold and a risk taker. You are cautious and slow and thoughtful. Combine these two traits, figure ways to merge these two traits and you may find a very balanced approach to life. It is the Yin-Yang relationship.

I make snap decisions and my wife is overly cautious. When I bought my first house, the price of the house doubled in 3 years time. If I dragged my feet, I would have never been able to afford the house. I would have been priced out of the housing market.

If your girlfriend is contemplating getting married, having children and having your future mother-in-law move in with you. There might be an upside to this. Her logic may be that after the children are born, she will return back to work and help by supporting the family financially.

So I don't have the answers here. But look at both sides of the decision and integrate her thoughts and yours to arrive at a final decision. That is how a good marriage works.