"Never forget the battles you have fought and won"

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I've been around this site for a couple months now. Just recently got evaluated and diagnosed with autism. I wanted to share my story of how I got here and what the title quote means to me.

I had suffered from anxiety and social awkwardness my entire life. However, I was functional and intelligent enough to go through college without major difficulties. Once, I left college and went on to grad school I encountered some unique challenges I had never encountered before. No longer having a collegiate meal plan, I was either failing to cook for myself or eating unhealthily at fast food restaurants for convenience sake. Having a full sized apartment was a burden as I struggled to keep it clean and tidy. My home situation deteriorated while my work situation became constantly more stressful. My anxiety increased to high-levels and I started drinking heavily as a method of coping.

Last July it all came crashing down. I've always suffered from a form of hypochondria. In my heightened anxiety state combined with poor eating habits, poor sleeping habits, and emotional state of being constantly overwhelmed I started feeling pain in my chest which led me to conclude I had a cardiac problem. This sent me over the edge culminating in a series of rolling panic attacks, multiple ER visits, loss of appetite. I would spend entire days in bed just shaking, wondering whether I should call an ambulance or not. I lost 20 pounds in 3 months and was pretty skinny to begin with. By October when the doctor's finally diagnosed me with anxiety and panic disorders I was so physically weak I could barely walk across a room. I dropped out of my grad program, and began undergoing treatment for anxiety.

Therapy and anxiety medication helped me slowly reclaim my mind. The process is ongoing. Over the course of therapy I learned of the asperger's profile and that there was an explanation for my unusual traits. I got my autism evaluation and my diagnosis (ASD requiring support). I re-entered my grad school program and am working on living a more balanced life.

During my nervous breakdown, I was so afraid of a health problem I would go to sleep at night worried I wouldn't wake up the next morning. Often when I couldn't go to sleep I would watch the West Wing to help me feel better. One episode in particular stood out to me. When Leo is about to have his alcoholism exposed in a congressional hearing, President Bartlet (or maybe it was Toby, but I think it was Bartlet) tells him "Never forget the battles you have fought and won."

I think this is a good thing to keep in mind for everyone here going through rough times. We have all fought and won battles related to our condition. Some of us are trying to live independently. Some of us are just trying to work full time. Some of us are just trying to get through each day. But whether it was learning to speak or going outside without melting down, or living on your own you have fought battles and won. Never forget them.

It seems like there were much more battles I lost than won

But not counting

And the ones I lost were larger

And lasted longer

And the outcome was not because of something I did right or wrong

Another useful thought to keep in mind is that "You are a survivor, and not a victim."

That's a good quote, Antrax. Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you got properly diagnosed in time to resume your life - for some of us, it takes decades to get things figured out, with many bridges burned in the mean time.

I often advise people who are struggling with higher education to get on a meal plan. Stocking and maintaining a home kitchen and cooking nutritious meals can be a very large struggle for someone on the spectrum.

I like it that you persevere, Antrax. You don't give up.

A nice story----which will be even nicer once you get your Master's.

Which Grad School program are you in?

Battles I have won? Let's see...

I no longer get anxiety attacks when I go grocery shopping or go into a clinic by myself.

I'm better at recognizing my actions when I go manic and making an effort to stop before it gets too out of control like it did before.

I've dropped 50 pounds in one year and went from 250 pounds to 200 pounds (need to get down to 180). I also look better than ever and I'm proud to show it off.

I guess I'm doing alright.

Especially since the Coca Cola Ladies want to hang out with you.....I'm jealous

Lol it's one of my many weird Aspie obsessions.

I like Pepsi ladies too. I found one poster that looks like a stripper next to an old pepsi bottle. I would post it but she's topless turned sideways and I don't think that's allowed.

Would it be ok to post a link in the adult section?

Now for that....you would have to ask the Mods.

If it's a "side view" of a woman's breasts....I don't believe it would raise too much objection.

Alright, I'll ask a friend of mine who happens tp be a mod here.

Sorry for derailing another topic. Lol Carry on.

Yep.....sorry on my part, too.

Antrax is someone who could very well be an inspiration to others here.

I agree. We all accomplish our own little victories and we should always take pride in that and not let others keep us down.

That is so important to emphasize. For those of us who have had mental illness or developmental disabilities, the accomplishments and milestones we achieve with great struggle are trivialized by the neurotypical world, so we need to toot our horn in the appropriate orchestra.

Example: "I just got my driver's license!" "How old are you - 37? Big deal, I got mine the day I turned 16." Not the appropriate place to celebrate a victory.

Good point, but at the same time I think NTs need to learn consideration for the fact that not everyone develops on the same rate that they do. I mean putting somebody down over getting a driver's license at a late age is just... rude.

Looks to me like you're doing great.

I don't know that it's a nice story yet, but I'm no longer lying in bed shaking all day, and I'm back up to a healthy weight so that's something to celebrate. Mental progress is slow and jagged, but as long as I'm still trending in a positive direction I consider that a win.

I'm actually in a biochemical engineering PhD program. Made it a couple years before breaking down. Should graduate in 3-ish more years assuming I can stick with it.