I can't work so mum makes me feel bad

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I've mentioned this in a few posts. It really annoys me.

I have social anxiety and autism and basically the government have put me into support category ESA meaning I can't work or look for work. There are two categories of disability pay - one where they help you find a suitable job and one where they say 'look we'll just give you benefit because you're incapable of work' and I'm in the second category.

Mum knows this. She deals with the forms etc. I'm sure she also has an inkling that every morning, I do either writing work or submissions work. Poetry just happens not to pay. And I'm up til midnight working on my poetry, too.

Mum works very hard in a stressful job. I tell her I admire her for that, I tell her she's hard working, I praise the work she puts in. I even help her out where I can, proof reading her paper work. But it's never enough.

My stepdad works one day a week. The rest of the time, he's forever nagging me to go out into town with him. To go to the CSC, shopping, a cafe or a local museum. He says I work too hard.

Mum says things like 'you children don't work'. Um, I'm not a child, I just can't do official work like a normal 9 to 5. The government have told me this. I feel bad enough about it already without mum bringing it up whenever she wants to get her own way about something. I'm not being lazy and even if I was, that would have to do with disability (I don't think people who can't do the level of work I do are lazy, I think they're disabled but that's just a difference between me and her).

How do I get her to see how offensive it is to imply someone who can't do a day job is the same as someone who won't in terms of laziness just because she has a hard job? I think it's her way of teasing my stepdad. They're in an age gap marriage and when he was in his 50s, he had a normal job too, just he's in his 70s now so he's entitled to retirement...

Have you ever submitted your poetry or other writings here?

I sense you’re sort of a modernist-experiential type that would appeal to at least some people here.

I'm not really an expert in relationships with mothers...
It looks like she is stressed, tired and frustrated, which is quite understandable - but she lets off her steam in an unhealthy way, teasing you and your stepdad. It looks like she feeds on her feeling of superiority because she works and you don't. Very unhealthy, as it's not your choice.

I don't really know what to do about it. I won't pretend to have it sorted out with my own mother, so no advice from me, sorry.

As I said in another thread, TUF, (the pub thread), your hard-working mother deserves to come home to a hot meal on the table every day. That is something you could do and you'd learn a lot by practicing it. Meal planning, simple cooking, elaborate cooking, food safety, budgeting and shopping.

When I was still working but my husband was retired, he had supper ready for me every night when I came home. It was one of many things he did to support me in working, which was really quite draining for me but I have a decent retirement now because of it.

After I myself retired, I gradually took over most of the cooking. He loves it when I present a well-constructed plate of food. He's still doing most breakfasts for us, while I do the lunches and dinners. I don't always feel up to real cooking, and in those cases there are frozen dinners or takeout. But real cooking is both cheaper and healthier.

This is just a suggestion, TUF. You could also ask your mum what other things she would appreciate being taken care of.

Kraftie – no, because I’m working at getting things traditionally published. Basically anything could be published on WP so it’s no show of guarantee when it gets published. I’m getting my work published in magazines which publish 5% of what they receive so I’d rather work on that. (Trying not to humblebrag here, I'm sure you know that autistic people can have very varied amount of skill in different area and writing is the area where I excel)

Magz – thanks for trying to help and letting me vent anyway. It really is frustrating and comes from her sense of superiority. Being a stereotypical NT woman, she would never admit it. Instead, she lies whenever it comes up and acts passive aggressive…

Bea – she does come home to a cooked meal every night (thanks stepdad, who also does all their housework with me doing all mine except the laundry which he does). I get a lot of the points from my disability thing (which puts me into the support category) because of how much of a struggle it would be for me to make a proper meal with my lack of motor planning skills and lack of ability to time management skills. However, I take the burden off her by making my own ready meals so she can have what food she likes. If she was just a vegetarian, I’d make microwave/kettle meals for her too but the food I can cook isn’t vegan. So I offer to help her in other ways, instead, such as typing for her and doing her proof reading etc. I plan on learning to cook but it would require a cook who didn’t want to take over or boss me around to teach me this, as I find the way my stepdad takes over and tells off to be quite upsetting to the point of meltdown and he won’t get out of their small kitchen when I try to cook in there.

I meant more so we can read what you wrote, rather than being "published," per se.

I'm thinking, maybe, that you might be reluctant because of copyright issues. That's understandable.

I would make the solemn promise that I wouldn't appropriate any of your work in my work. I have too much pride in my own work to have to appropriate someone else's ideas.

(though I haven't written a proper poem in years).

Yeah its just copywrite because nowadays anything which isn't PM or email etc online (anything public) is considered published and publishers are funny about rights these days.

Well, TUF, I like you so I'm going to offer a suggestion but you might not want to do it now or ever.

When your mother hurts your feelings, tell her - calmly - that the remark she just made or the action she just did, hurts your feelings on top of already-low self-esteem. If you can't do this calmly, best not to do it all, though.

I think your aim of publishing in quality periodicals is admirable, just as long as you know it will never amount to a living. Leonard Cohen tried to support himself by his writing for a few years and nearly starved; but writing songs was more marketable and he was good at it. So that's what he is known for now.

May I ask what nation?

As for how your feeling I understand, I get it everywhere even here in wp. People call me lazy or thief. They don’t get why I don’t work more hours or have a real job. Luckily my family mostly understands well my mom and sister anyways.

I haven’t figured out how to get them to understand how mean it is or maybe they know and don’t care.

Here’s some fox hugs. Wish I could offer more then understanding.

UK. So I can be supported through the government as I literally can't work. I feel sorry for Americans who need disability pay and can't get it but my source of income is benefits and I hate being made to feel guilty over that, even here on WP.

Every two years, I get assessed. If I'm put into the 'work' category, they will help me to find suitable employment which will use my strengths and won't make me ill. Until then, I'm on a low income but I do get an allowance from the government.

I spent every day obsessively trying for a job and being rejected five years ago. I did it for years. I have an MA - a vocational one as I wanted to maximise employment opportunities - and a degree. I've done lots of voluntary work. I ended up having a breakdown and of course nobody wanted me because I was too autistic or weird or dyspraxic. (yes, the dyspraxic thing mattered, it meant I couldn't do manual labour and it also meant that employers didn't want me as I don't have a maths qualification as you have to do practical work to get it and I can't draw graphs - even though I volunteered to do shop work for two years, it didn't count as it wasn't a paper qualification)

I ended up having a breakdown so bad I couldn't leave the house except to go to the doctors. I'm slowly getting better from living here in a town which doesn't have reminders of my past.

That’s what I thought. As it didn’t sound like the USA system
I’m on disability and get $786 a month and am reviewed every 4 years and 10 months cause if they did it 5 years I’d be classified permanently disabled and they won’t do that even though clearly they know I am.

That sounds horrible. I know I couldn’t handle that or working full time.
I hardly leave my house, glad you’re getting better.
I struggled for years to find work, the government just about gave up when I found this job. I don’t elect I’ll ever get another so I’m fighting hard to keep it, I’m going try working two 8 hour days and see if I can handle that so I could be moved to warehouse. Have to talk to my lead about it today :s
Just know not everyone things bad of you for not being able to work.

People have called you lazy, Sly....but never called you "thief."

Good luck in this new 8-hour thing.

The warehouse might not be bad for you, because then you don't have to deal with customers.

I'm on disability as well, I have ASD, social anxiety as well as a number of chronic illnesses that debilitate me mentally and physically. I tried and failed at over a dozen jobs and 3 times in college before getting on disability. My parent's treated me like crap for years until I got my autism diagnosis. They finally accept I can't work as we get along well now. My health has only got worse since I got on disability in 2007. My disability is never up for review ever again, and the government would allow me to work while still receiving benefits, help me find a job if my health ever miraculously improved, which unless some new medications come onto the market, I don't see that happening. I still help out with housework or cooking, cleaning, and do my own laundry/pay my rent etc.

The fact that your mom works a stressful job has nothing to do with you.
If it's too much for her, she is the person in control of her life to look for something she can handle.
It's not her place to be in the role of a resentful martyr and make you feel bad for a job that she has chosen to keep.
She working at her job should never be a reason to bully you like this.

It has been decided by the government that you aren't able to work and that's the end of the discussion. In my opinion, that's the best way to go about it, not even about what you want, but rather that it's a fixed proposition unrelated to what you want.

If your mother is unhappy with her job or her life, it's up to her to make it better; it's not your responsibility to appease her for it in any way.

It's also fair of you to say no to your stepdad's requests if you feel uncomfortable with them, especially under the circumstances you're describing.

If the government benefits are enough to pay for your life expenses, then your mother is working only for herself.

That is not to say that it's never right to help out one's parents or be supportive, but if it comes from a place of misguided resentment and toxic guilt, then I'd say it's not good.