Why couldn't I have been an asexual and aromantic autist?

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I have a high sex drive, and I desperately want a romantic relationship. Supposedly, a lot of people on the spectrum have no desire for relationships. I wish I was one of them.

I am 28 and have never had a girlfriend, despite putting in a lot of effort to connect with women.

I'm not a nerd living in my mom's basement. I go to college and live on my own. I'm active and go out and do stuff. I took dance classes. I force myself to talk to new people even though it is hell for me due to anxiety. I wear nice clothes and try my best, but my sexual market value couldn't be lower. Women are never interested in knowing me.

It is torture because I am on a major university campus where I'm surrounded by attractive women in sexy clothes. So, I'm constantly reminded of my lack and failure. I think about suicide a lot these days. What's the point? What's the point of living if nobody cares about me and I have nobody? I wish I was dead.

I feel for you. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I do think that Aspie males find it harder to find a girlfriend than Aspie females finding a boyfriend. I don't know why. I wish I could give you some tips, but I don't really know what a man needs to do to attract a woman. I have a high sex drive, which makes me want attention from men, particularly authority figures, and so I learnt to flirt. When I was a teenager I think I flirted too inappropriately and just embarrassed myself, but those embarrassing experiences have taught me how to flirt more appropriately. My boyfriend is a bus driver, and I love buses, so getting buses regularly made me get familiar with a lot of bus-drivers, and this particular bus-driver was single and I found I liked him in a sexual way, and we just got chatting. Now it's been 5 years and we're now living together and planning on getting married. But it might have also been luck.
But I'm not sure if the same works with guys looking for girlfriends. I think flirting is different with guys. Even some NT guys I know have more difficulties finding girlfriends. Us women tend to be more fussy. I prefer older guys, with experience and wisdom, with a good job and their own place.

But I'm sure you will find a girlfriend one day. I know it's easy to say that, but it's not impossible. You seem like a nice guy. And sometimes these things happen when you least expect it.

Thanks for the kind words, but the part I quoted is the difference between being a woman and being a man. If you are a man, relationships just dont happen. You have to take initiative. Women sometimes ask men out I guess, but I dont see that happening.

Avoid all-or-nothing words like "all" or "nobody." That's only going to make you feel more hopeless and depressed. Life is rarely that black-and-white, because there's really no way of knowing that absolutely nobody cares about you or that you will never find someone who does.

Also, it's possible that you're expecting too much. In a perfect world, it would be guaranteed that we our hard work and effort would be rewarded, but this isn't a perfect world. I'm not saying you should give up, but I am saying that you should let go of the expectation that doing stuff is going to get you a relationship.

When it comes to dating/relationships, there are plenty of factors that are out of your control. You have to find someone who is as attracted to you as you are them and is willing to date you. You have to also happen to be in the right place, at the right time. None of these factors are really under your control.

You have a right to feel the way you do. You're lonely, which is a very normal feeling. It's also okay for you to feel frustrated that your hard work doesn't seem like it's "worth it." But, that's just how life is sometimes, and it's not always indicative of a deeper personal flaw.

If you would like somebody to talk to, I'm available to PM Best luck to you.

I wonder the same thing often. Being bisexual might've made things easier too since there would be more people I might get interested in who might like me back. But those aren't the cards I got; I ended up being heterosexual. It kind of sucks since I can't really attract the attention of the opposite sex, not in a positive way at least. From personal experience, I'd say that absolutely zero attention from the opposite sex would've been better than bad attention.

Weird; you sound like you check all the boxes to pass off as "normal" young adult. By my logic you should at least be able to get women interested even if it doesn't get to the point of a relationship... the problem is probably your social skills, then, especially if your anxiety worsens around other people. Do you have friends you can trust with subjects like these? Or relatives? It might help asking people who actually know you why you can't get a girlfriend; maybe there are some social mistakes that you keep making without realizing it that keep women away.

Also, you talk about being suicidal... can I ask in more detail why? Do you have some other things pressing your mind than this? If not then I strongly recommend some therapy; one of the reasons you can't get a girlfriend might be that you come off as very desperate, which is often creepy or even scary for the women a man like that has his eyes on.

Good luck!

My first boyfriend lived in his parents' basement when I met him when we were both in university. He was a bit shy so he messaged me online (Facebook) and asked to meet in person. It all started over casual conversation, I mentioned I liked his cover photo, which was an anime that I enjoy. We kept chatting for a day and decided to meet on-campus, and so we talked about our common interests together. It helped that we were both shy, socially awkward nerds.

To start with, my apologies for the length of what follows, but there are a number of complex issues.

I can understand to an extent what serpantari was saying. Your very opening sentence refers to having a high sex drive and a sense of desperation. Then next you refer to wanting romance. Sex and romance are not the same thing and are not necessary to each other. You don’t need romance or affection to satisfy a high sex drive. You don’t even need another person to address your high sex drive! If the primary “vibe” that others are getting from you is the need for sex, I suspect that they will not be interested in any sort of relationship with you unless they have an equal primary need or are a “professional”.

After your high sex drive, you mention your desperate need for a romantic relationship. You’ve tangled several issues together there - desperation, romance; and, relationship. You don’t mention loneliness at all in your original post.

A relationship, especially a long term one, is based on far more than romance. Romance is a pleasurable part of a relationship, but not the core. It’s a fun beginning to building a relationship, or it can be the entirety of a superficial relationship. (Desperation is not a good component of a relationship either.)

Or is adding “romantic” in regard to a relationship actually a euphemism for saying you want a relationship that is more than friendship? Are you looking forward to a relationship that is a partnership and bonding with very caring, supportive, happy emotions and calling that a “romantic relationship”? Or a partnership of candlelight and rose petals? Texts morning, noon and night full of hearts and kisses emojis? Is that what a romantic relationship is to you?

Then you list the steps you’ve taken to raise your “sexual market value”. Not steps to add value to the world (noble!), or to make yourself happy, or to make more money. Not steps to be a nicer person. It’s back to sex again. And not sex in a “romantic” context, but sex in a transactional sense.

And I think that leads back to serpantis opening comments. It seems to me, from what I have read on this forum, many men conflate wanting a girlfriend- relationship and wanting a dependable sexual relief- relationship. And this amorphous “want” comes under the specific heading of girlfriend. Having this girlfriend erases loneliness.

What is it that you, and others, are desperate for? Friendship, companionship, love, sex, someone you can display to the world and say she’s mine? And in what order are those things wanted and could an aspect of the relationship exist without the other? The men list their needs but don’t seem interested in knowing what women might need. (I have to add to that, that some men do regularly state that they know what all women are looking for, i.e. money, expensive homes, holidays..., they are very wrong in even thinking that that is what the average woman wants to base the rest of their life on.)

If you search back through older threads in this section you will see that a lot of men have asked similar questions as yours and have been given what is usually good and practical advice. Some men repeatedly ask and don’t seem to do anything at all to resolve their problems. But I think you’ll notice (and others will notice if they look), that there aren’t many women here expressing their needs for sex and romance in the same way. As serpanti says, they are looking for a person they can relate to.

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or desiring a partner. However, going into social interactions with someone and expecting a romantic relationship to come from it isn't the best route to take. I'm not saying he should stop trying to meet people, but he should meet women with the mindset of having no expectations from it. If there's a spark, that's great. If not, that's fine too.

@alien91:

1. Women are people. First and foremost, women are not prizes to be won, line-items on a shopping list, or property to be obtained. Objectification is probably one of the most unattractive aspects for a man.

2. Desperation is obvious. Just as an employer would be reluctant to hire a person desperate for work, so too would a woman be unlikely to date a man who is desperate for a girlfriend.

3. Hostility is obvious. Anger issues eventually reveal themselves. A woman looking for a safe, stable relationship is not likely to settle for a man who expresses anger over past rejections and failures.

4. Whiners are ugly. Nobody likes a whiner. Someone who always seems to have something to complain about will actually drive people away.

5. To attract interest, be interesting. A talent or skill that few others seem to have will pique curiosity. A man with domestic or musical skills seem to attract interest from women. A man who can dance -- something more than the Bar-Hang -- will also draw attention. You can't just put on a nice suit, smile, and expect women to show interest. You gotta actually do something interesting to women.

These are some of the basics. This Article should help you fill in the rest.

One hundred percent agree.



While this certainly be true, I've always wondered how a person that is starved for a relationship does not come off as desperate? It seems a hard cycle to break.



When the hostility is specifically towards woman and relationships it seems to dovetail with 2. Certain people seem to get a complex. Again the question becomes how to break the cycle? If someone has anger issues in general that's a different problem and needs to be addressed by professional help.



True, unless they're also whining about the same thing. In that case misery loves company.



Just don't be "too interesting," then you'll get labelled as weird.

I've seen women treat men like objects too (NOT implying the OP is treating women as objects, I'm just saying).

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: 'Is this the man I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'" -- Rita Rudner

Thread turned into a dumpster fire.

Locked.