I can't do anything anymore

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I can make it to work and back, but the moment I get home my dysfunction kicks in and paralyzes me. It's an issue I've always had but it has gotten increasingly severe. I won't even initiate activities I enjoy. I'll start ruminating about subjects that will cause me pain in some fashion, in a sort of emotional masochism. That part is new, at least to this extent I've been having these thoughts lately. If I'm not doing that, I'm just cycling between distractions the entire time unless I happen to be in an obsessive state.

I feel like I'm letting my life pass by and I'm just sitting around doing almost literally nothing. It's obvious that there are some dark feelings that are stressing me out, but I don't know how to deal with them.

I'm not enjoying life at all. I feel like I was psychologically spent years ago and made to keep going well beyond my healthy limits. Now there's damage and I don't know how to evolve out of these maladaptive thought and behavioral patterns.

Likewise

The "dark feelings" are so weird and constantly changing

Counseling could "help", neither or "hurt", but

"Actions speak louder than words "

A large part of counseling is sitting around making everything into a soap opera



Counseling $$$

Some counselors are judgmental and manipulative

They act like talking is the key to enlightenment, but "loose lips sink ships"


And I am 36 and no job

"Counseling $$$"

True words.

The counselor has no authority over the situation

The only authority the counselor has is, 5150 , process notes, insurance forms, diagnosis

The counselor can't prescribe drugs

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Wrong

Words "hurt"

Words just don't "help"

Counselor Jeanne Courtney told me that the insurance pays her 75 hour

Sit around flapping her stupidass trap

She did not tell me one original statement


f**k that b***h

One of the problems that Aspies deal with is overwhelming stress. Stress is cumulative in nature and will build up over time unless it is vented.

When the human body encounters a threat, they automatically release a cascade of hormones and chemicals within the nervous system and muscles of the limbs. If these chemicals are not consumed by the stressful encounter they will remain there and build up over time leading to distress. So you need a way to vent these. Humans have 5 limbs - their two arms, two legs and their neck. It sounds like when you get home you almost want to scream. So I would guess that is the limb that needs venting. The best way to vent this limb is to scream.

The neck is a fifth limb. Many animals have two arms and two legs and one other extremity, their neck. They use their neck, vocal cord, jaw and teeth both offensively and defensively. Lions roar, bears growl, dogs bark and wolves snarl. The sound produces fears that can immobilize their prey. Herd animals will use vocalization to alert the herd of the predator’s presence. Many times it is the jaws of a predator that will rip their prey apart.

One needs to vent the stored stress energy in their neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But this must be done in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is an individual in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

This really sums up how I feel right now.
Kind of, fighting through the darkness. And feeling a bit foolish doing so. I almost don't know why I'm continuing the fight.

When you get home, start on a productive hobby or task IMMEDIATELY.

Do NOT idle around the internet goofing off on youtube or reddit, etc. As someone coming from a lifetime of chronic depression dicking around the internet always led me into feeling like crap, so I am very conscious of where I spend my time, including this website.

But when you get back home, you need to spend time on a productive character-building hobby. Learn a new language, play an instrument, write a short story, tend to a garden, etc. We have to constantly flirt with creativity, we have to keep our minds and bodies constantly preoccupied otherwise a very depressing malaise sets in which becomes hard to crawl out of.

When I go home I'll work in my garden or cook something for dinner. I plan to marinate some fish with a glaze before going outside to garden tonight.

Dinner turned out great and I worked out in the yard for two hours, so I didn't turn on the computer until 8 PM.

The broiled cod turned out great. I covered it with marinade when I got home. Worked out in the yard. Then I broiled it for a few minutes, then baked it until done.