So I hate me.

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Ok. Allow me to get this out there. As I can't really talk to my family.

I hate me.

I've found myself to be unable to hold down a solid. Loving relationship. Either I'm getting used for money or I'm apparently not good enough (the rejection I've had along with abuse has put me off dating). I am finding that I believe I'm just an a**hole. And I'm falling into depression.

I'm not enjoying my hobbies. I'm throwing myself into work and over eating to just try and feel something aside from sadness. Honestly. I've caught myself thinking "time to die". And not thinking that's a bad idea.

I am broken.

What can I do?

Start with professional help. Get a therapist. See your own MD or one in a psychiatry clinic for an evaluation for depression.

Once you have done that, come back to WP for emotional support and knowledge.

OP, please don't let this hellworld we live in, get you down, be more stubborn than it is. you have a right to be here, you are here in this hellworld for a reason. get your money's worth out of this hellworld.

hey. i can relate to many things u wrote, and i hope to be able to help u, at least a bit.
u obviously are not an a**hole. because an a**hole woudlnt think that way. happening to repetively find oneself in abusive relationships is something some of us know way too much about. given how u mentioned ur family, who u cant talk to, i think u are a new member for our cptsd club. this forum has other broken people (apart from myself), who can also relate and understand u.
read this topic and see if some puzzle pieces fall in place.
also welcome to wrong planet.