Stepdad doesn't care about me being touched as a kid

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I feel like my stepdad doesn't care or want to talk about what happened.

When I was 13, this guy touched my bare leg and talked to me about sex. He was in his 30s. I'm very tomboyish to the point of trans and he was saying 'our boys have sex with our men' after I told him what my interests were... (non sexual, I literally just told him which sports team I supported) So I went along with it because I was trying to be part of the 'gang'.

Mum found out a strange man had been talking to me and called the police before anything else happened.

Fast forward eighteen years, I tell my parents the whole thing. Mum is full of guilt. She is very sorry it ever happened and tells me that it wasn't my fault like I feel it was. I feel guilty cos he told me everything which is in the news right now and all about the paedos in England etc, all the stuff nobody knew about at the time. I never told anyone then news story after news story broke, he must have been connected to all that.

My stepdad just said 'well that's awkward, I don't want to talk about it'.

The same guy who introduced me to this bloke in the first place. The same guy who keeps forcing me to talk to strange men I don't know, older guys who probably think I'm straight.

I'm cross with him because ok he is naïve not a bad guy but he ought to feel guilty and he doesn't. He's just clamming up. Like he doesn't care what happened to me or want to tell me he's sorry it happened. Like he doesn't care or thinks I was to blame or something.

You can't force anyone (including yourself actually) to feel anything. On the other hand, the story tells something about your parents and... no wonder you have trust issues. Your parents failed to create you a safe environment to explore.

Yeah, I just keep thinking if I heard a kid had been touched how would I feel? Especially one who was under my care (mum was away in America at the time).

But I know what it's like to not care. It was only watching Finding Neverland which made me feel like I'd been groomed/aware of the problem actually. Before that, I thought I'd had a relationship. He groomed me very well, using my interest which I care about a lot and which I was being bullied over by other adults.

I've been telling myself it was 'ok' because of my interest but that's nonsense. Even if someone is a choirboy, that doesn't mean a priest should abuse him just because other priests abused other boys.

What I don't get about my stepdad - I just don't get how someone could know that happened to a child they had care over, a child they had adopted in order to keep safe, and still not feel guilty or say sorry when they found out.

And yeah. I really want to 'respect your elders'. But I don't. I feel like 'respect your elders' means 'do whatever your elders say, including sexual stuff' and that's why I'm not down for it. If an older person wants to treat me like an equal who's allowed boundaries, fine. If an older person (or anyone, one of the people I respect most in the world is Malala and she's much younger than me) earns/earned it, I'll respect them and their lives are so long it gives them longer to have earned it in. But I'm tired of this whole 'respect your elders' rule. Very humble people need respect, and very humble people never demand it.

It was so rampant there. Mum's job is protecting vulnerable kids and the town name keeps cropping up. Home to a very famous paedo. I wish I didn't come from there or that it was different and I wish my specialist interest didn't have that connection either because I care about those things (my interest and my town) and hate how tainted they are.

I think he 'got done' because he'd abused other kids in the past. The police were looking for him or something. I'm not sure exactly, to say I felt so 'grown up' I can't remember all the details. Mum kept a fair bit from me.

Also it wasn't just talking, it was things which could be read as platonic but I told her that this man we weren't related to and she wasn't friends with kept buying me presents. I found it great, she saw right through it and I think the police did too.

I think I have done, I'm just extra cautious around my elders, especially men.

Someone younger than me with the same interest was talking to me (platonically and he's 24) and I just felt so proud. He was more passionate than I am.

Because it's a heritage thing too. And because I've been bullied so much over it and it's been made into, I don't have a word for it but made into a bigoted way to bully me which went beyond just doing it for an interest. It means a lot to come across my own mates of my own age with my own interest and background.

I know elders have been through a lot, it just annoys me when they act like they're the only ones who have. I respect people who have endured a lot but I wish someone would respect that in me as well.

I’m sorry that you aren’t getting the validation that you need from him. Sometimes people would prefer to sweep stuff under the rug instead of discuss such things openly. I’ve had a similar sort of situation with my dad.

It’s not that his motives are bad. He might think that if it happened to him he wouldn’t want to talk about it or would feel better not thinking about.

It sounds like his emotional intelligence might be low which is pretty common with men of a certain age. They are socialized into believing that holding onto emotion is tough or masculine.

He probably doesn’t realize that clear acknowledgement, validation, and an apology would go a long way towards helping you feel better. Since you aren’t getting what you need from him, you might want to consider talking to a friend or counselor about it.

His reaction doesn’t mean that he loves you any less. At some point in the future you could let him know what you needed if you think that will help.