My life is one big social rejection

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Some people with Asperger's can make friends with NTs and be socially accepted and even live a normal social life (my Aspie brother does, he's got loads of friends and spends a lot of time being with them). But me, people seem to abandon me, and it's been happening all my life and I think it always will. I feel left out often, and feel unimportant, and people forget to text or Facebook me happy birthday or whatever, even though I always text or Facebook them happy birthday when it's their birthdays, and they always post on other people's timelines on their birthdays, so it's not like they don't use Facebook or their phones. It's just me, innit? People can't take the trouble to give up 2 seconds of their time to put "happy birthday" to a friend.
People randomly unfriend me on Facebook too, even though I go out of my way to like or comment nice things on their posts (not too much to annoy them but enough to be friendly), and then suddenly they unfriend me. But then they still have like 300 friends on their Facebook list, and surely they don't all like and comment on that person's every post. So it's like people just reject or abandon me because I'm called Jo or something.

I know people here tell me that I should blame other people for my social isolation, but I know full well that if I did not have Asperger's or ADHD, I would not be writing this post about being socially isolated, because, well, I wouldn't be this socially isolated. I feel like I just get treated like I'm on the bottom of the pile. Most days I don't think about it too much, but I'm going through a little depressive episode at the moment, and it helps to vent my feelings here. If you don't like it then don't post, because I'm not up for criticising or sarcasm at the moment. I just need a bit of compassion.

I felt that way for a long time, but I eventually decided that I would try to be happy with being alone. I can explore my own interests that way and don’t have to worry about living up to some arbitrary standard of normalcy.

It really helped. I don’t feel lonely that often anymore. I just wish I had some romance in my life, but that’s another story.

I think happiness should come from within. Friends may come and go but you’ll always have yourself.

You still have your family and your boyfriend. I see that as being enough, but I am introverted and you seem to be more extroverted so I am sorry you feel unappreciated. Your feelings are valid and I wish I could help bring some understanding why people behave the way they do, but I am just as confused as you are. If someone can't appreciate you as a person Joe, I wish you wouldn't take that rejection so hard. I guess it's times like this you can see the true value of those that do show they love and appreciate you Joe. Perhaps now is a good time to show those you know you can depend on how much you appreciate them. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Jo, I relate to your feelings in many ways. When I'm down and depressed, I hate myself and feel unlovable and just like you, I have plenty of "evidence" to prove that despite me always trying to like people's FB posts (back when I still had social media) and make sure to wish everyone a lovely day and be there if anyone needs me, I still get rejected and made to feel unappreciated.

I remember when I was still a teen and felt lonely at one of the schools I went to, I used to watch the show FRIENDS and fantasise that some day I would have people who love me the way they love each other in that show.
It took me years to filter through all kinds of people who didn't appreciate me for who I am to find my true friends, but it was worth it.

I don't know your life circumstance, but the best advice I can possibly give you is this (and it's way more powerful than it sounds) - try to take the time to practice gratitude every day. It sounds like just some hippy thing that you read on a fridge magnet, but it has really worked for me.
I will sit down either with a piece of paper so I can write down the things I'm grateful for or I could think them in my head. Then I look at my life - what am I grateful for today? You could be grateful, for example, that even though you're going through a bit of a rough patch, it's nice and sunny outside; it's spring and the flowers are blooming even by the side of the road; that's nice. I'm personally grateful that yesterday's Game of Thrones episode was better than last week's haha (in my opinion, at least) the cool thing that happens after a few days of doing this is that your mind will start looking for things that it can be grateful for and so you will inevitably find yourself focusing on the things you have rather than the things you lack.
That's the thing about bad days, isn't it? All we can see are the things that are going wrong. So to remedy that, it really helps to focus on the good.

I really hope you feel better soon and I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on the people who appreciate you rather than on those who fail to see your kindness. All you can do is try your best and at the end of the day, even if they unfriend you on FB for no reason, at least you can say to yourself with certainty "I tried to be kind and considerate to that person; I did my best." I really do feel your pain - I also wish that the people I make an effort for made an equal effort for me, but sadly, they often don't. It's a hard truth to accept, but those who don't appreciate your effort, simply don't deserve it, so you might have to consider not spending your energy on those people.
I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does even a little.

Having a boyfriend and family is more than many of us have had or currently have.

I know that, it's what I try to tell myself when I'm feeling down. I love my boyfriend and he loves me, but he has a low self drive. No, I'm not with him for sex, but sex with him is wonderful because I love him, and it's a shame that he's usually not in the mood for it. He gets absorbed in the TV, then falls asleep in the chair, and when I wake him up he doesn't feel like sex, he just wants to go to bed. I can understand that, but at the same time, I do miss some romantic sex before sleep. Maybe lacking sex contributes a little bit to my depression. We don't argue over it, as sex is not the be all and end all, but you know what I mean.

I am glad for my family, yes. I text my mum every day and ring her 2 or 3 times a week, and even go to visit her every other weekend. But I don't always get along with my uncle, who I think has alexithemia (forgotten how you spell of pronounce at), and I find people with that hard work to talk to when it comes to feelings and other illogical stuff. But he visits my mother every weekend too, so I can't avoid him.

I think I worry about friendship too much. If I didn't have co-morbids with my ASD, I think my ASD would seem less 'severe' like 99% of other females born pre-2000, and I would probably be able to make friends better. But because of my impulsive behaviours and lack of attention, it makes it twice more difficult to socialise than it might for other people on the mild end of the spectrum. It just seems that way.

It’s not uncommon for one person to want more sex in a relationship than another. Some self love and cuddling with a partner while you watch TV could help with some of those needs.

I’m very mildly autistic myself and am more troubled by co-morbids than anything else. I’ve just gotten used to loneliness to the point that it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. It’s preferable to other situations I’ve been in, actually.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I want certain things, but it always passes. It’s just not a productive thing for me to focus on.

Maybe it would help to engage in some special interests more when you are feeling down. There’s a lot more to life than being a social butterfly.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 14 May 2019, 2:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It must be extra frustrating to be on the extroverted side and struggle to make lasting connections. I mostly avoid making those sort of connections these days because it can be so painful when rejection happens even though I do crave close connections. It's human to want that interpersonal connection. I guess the trick is finding others that you get along with that can also overlook our flaws while we do the same for them because we all have flaws. I guess that's what loving another is all about, whether it be romantic or platonic.

I appreciate all the replies in this thread.


Hmm, I'm not sure if I'm extroverted or not. I can be shy and I don't like clubs or drinking. Being at home on a Saturday night suits me much better than wasting my time and money in some rowdy nightclub. But I do naturally seek social approval and I like to be included, and when I'm at work I enjoy socialising with my work colleagues. But I still sometimes feel left out even at work. If I see some of my colleagues standing together in a group chatting and laughing, I want go go over and join in but I worry that they might think I'm being intrusive, even if it looks like they're not having a private or serious conversation.

I don't really have a special interest, although I do enjoy writing fiction stories and watching DVDs. But my attention span is rather short and I find it hard to stay hyperfocused.

I have figured something out, and that is there aren't really any fixed social rules. The reason I say this is because an NT extrovert can break lots of what we think are so-called "social rules", but still be loved and have lots of friends all their lives, yet another person can think they're following all these social rules by the book and still get socially rejected and bullied and have a lack of friends. The key is to just have "it", whatever "it" is.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. My recommendation would be to try and find some social skills coach type people on YouTube. A few months ago, I started watching a guy called the Charisma Matrix, and I find his content pretty interesting. He breaks down social situations and explains what's going on quite well, but I get the impression that some of his tips are more geared to men than women. One thing he said that I found interesting was something to the effect of "when you're talking to people, your goal is to make them feel comfortable around you" and that means strong eye contact, a friendly but confident tonality, etc. He also says something to the effect of when you're trying to cultivate a friendship with someone, treat them like you know them a little better than you actually do, and try to remember details about conversations you've had with them so you can personalise conversations and as such become more memorable to them.