I Hate Being Aromantic

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Relationships were truly hard for me to keep in the past. In high school, I tried with three different people, and all of them failed miserably. One of them cheated on me and the other I had to break it off with because I couldn't stand their affection toward me. Cuddling, kissing, hand holding, etc. are all so uncomfortable for me to do. I don't like that part to relationships, so I guess you could say I am asexual or aromantic. I've always felt that I was this way, but I kept making attempts to bury that part of me. I tried to tell myself that i was bi, and that I liked both men and women. Most recently, I tried to date this guy and it sort of went off the rails. I'm still friends with him, but in the end, I couldn't do it. Even after three years of being single, I still reacted the same.

I hate being aromantic because this really puts a damper on something I figured would happen someday in my future: marriage. I wanted to marry, but who the heck would want to marry someone who won't give them affection or intimacy? I truly envy the people on my Facebook I graduated with and are married and having kids. I wonder everyday what it feels like to have that simple part of being human. And I am going to say it: I probably wouldn't be like this if I didn't have Asperger's.

I'm not saying that all who have Asperger's can't show love. I've met other people with Asperger's who can do so. But I know with me I am this way because of my disorder. This is a huge part that I hate about myself because not only am I difficult with showing intimacy, but I also have a hard time showing love for family. It makes me look like I am stone cold. However, I show my love through other ways like cleaning the house for my mom or paying a phone bill through my step dad's plan. That's the best I can do.

I guess I made this to sort of rant. If I were to explain this to anyone in my life currently, they would look at me like I spoke in tongues. I know for a fact that the people in my life (like my mom or sister) wouldn't understand the notion that I am human but I can't have an intimate relationship with someone else because I can't reciprocate affection. I'm also making this post to maybe see if there is anyone who also deals with life being asexual.

If there is anyone reading this who is in the same boat, how do you deal with it? Do you hate it? Love it?
Hope you all have a good Sunday. Thanks for reading.

I think you've misunderstood some terms here. Aromantic means having no desire for a relationship, asexual means no desire for physical contact, at least not the sexual kind. Since you seem to want a relationship, I don't think you can be called aromantic. It's more like asexual. Of course, it could also be that you aren't really asexual, but that you're just uncomfortable with physical contact in general because you aren't used to it and/or because of autism related sensory issues. I think it's important that you try to find out if you're really asexual or just uncomfortable, for if you're asexual, you can still get a relationship with another asexual person or with someone who doesn't mind the lack of physical contact from their partner (these sort of people are rare if they aren't asexuals themselves, but they do exist.) If it turns out that your problems are about sensory issues, then you can work on them. Get in to a relationship, talk to the man (woman?) about these things and try to proceed at your own pace. Don't let him pressure you and make sure he's patient... but of course, if his pace is slower then you need to respect that, too.

As for not being able to express love, well, that isn't really the case, is it? There are many ways of expressing love and helping out your loved ones is one of those ways. Just because you're unable to express your love through physical contact doesn't mean you can't express it at all.

I just want to say that I literally had no idea aromantic and asexual were two different things. I figured they were interchangeable. I am pretty embarrassed about it and I admit I was wrong. My bad...carry on now heh.

Do you fantasize about being intimate with someone?

I dont have quite the same problem but perhaps something similar. There were relationships that I liked but I was to scared of intimacy so I broke up with them. I thought the relationships were too passionate for me. The longest relationship Ive been in was 5 years. It was more comfortable than passionate.