Unable to cope with upcoming adulthood

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As of now I have little over a month before turning 18, and while I feel mostly apathetic and uninterested with it, I am unable to wrap my head around the fact that I'll be an actual adult. And there are so many things that I've heard I'll have to do: get an ID, register for the Selective Service, and probably a hunfred other things I don't yet realize.

I'm, at home, expected to have the responsibilites and mindset of an adult while I'm given the rights and considerations of a young child. I'm supposed to take care of my sister but I'm not aloud to have a say in her upbringing. I'm supposed to be more mature than my classmates but I'm not aloud to take a drivers ed course (when most of my classmates drive their own cars), I'm not aloud to stay home on senior skip day(even though the teachers condone it at our school), I'm not aloud to go to senior week or to do anything else, yet I'm expected to act "my age".

I'm told I should learn to cook my own meals but i'm not aloud to use the kitchen becayse "I'm not mature enough".

I'm accused of contributing nothing but I'm not able to find a job and am given no help finding one.

I didn't even complete my college applications because i couldn't afford all the fees, and i was given no extra money to do it because "even if by some chance I'm accpted, there's no way I'd be able to go." Because i can't drive and am told that I'd have to live there if it is more than 45 minutes away, and i'm always goaded and tormented that "I'll never be able to live on my own"

I can relate. I'm older but it has been a slow process and in some ways I'm still not considered an adult by others (or sometimes by my self)

Add to that, I'm still in a constant struggle to act as if my concerns and opinions count as much as other adults'(as they should,) while at the same time trying to avoid the problems I have when I get in trouble for having a concern or opinion.

Wow, you live with some utterly illogical human beings. My sympathy on that one.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are unable to cope with adulthood, but rather you are unable to cope with the fact that you are not allowed to proceed to adulthood! All those adult responsibilities can be challenging and even overwhelming at times, but none of them are impossible. It sounds as if your parents are absorbing a lot of information (some of it erroneous) which might pertain to a very low-functioning autistic individual, but certainly does not apply to one who is now a senior in high school and on target to graduate. You need to try to have a very serious conversation with them about needing to take on more responsibility within a supportive environment, so that you don't have to figure it out all on your own. Hand them lots of data: there are fewer resources regarding adult autism / Asperger's than those for children, but they are there. Look for articles on the subject by Tony Attwood or Temple Grandin (Grandin is a great one because she began fairly low-functioning, and now drives, has a great job, lives independently, and has a doctorate--all those things others seem to say you will "never" do!).

My next advice is not to leap in and take on ten new responsibilities at once. Driving is a good thing to start with, because it can be necessary for other things: college, jobs, living on your own, etc. Start with a closed course, then quiet neighborhoods with a low speed limit, then busier roads, then highways. Ask someone to ride with you who you can trust to offer advice without killing your self-esteem. In other words, their advice should be restricted to the technical points of driving, and not touch on how poorly you judge distances or how slow your reaction time is, etc., because you can--and will--find ways to compensate for your weaknesses, as you are able to practice. When you feel confident that you have mastered one "adult" task, take on another.

Apply for simple, basic jobs first, with repetitive tasks and clear expectations, and then apply for positions that are gradually more challenging. Don't feel like a failure if a job doesn't work for you: simply make a list of things you liked about each job and what you were good at, and what you didn't like or weren't good at, and use this list to help you choose a job that is a better fit next time.

Then remember what your peers said of you: that you were "most likely to take over the world". (My classmates never said anything so cool about me!) They seem to see something in you that your family doesn't: persistence, ambition, great thinking...whatever your best points are, take them and run with them! You'll go far if you give yourself a lot of room for trial and error as you learn, and work with your strengths and weaknesses rather than against them. Best wishes for a great future!

You may learn someday that most of these mature adults that are telling you all of these things, and making you be you, never really grew up. They just think so, and they can prove it with somekind of aged, experienced, believable stuff. I am sorry for your crutches, and leashes. I am sorry people clip your wings. If you ever really grow up, you will not have to listen to that stuff.

Ugh the hypocrisy, the contradictions, the double standards. You're expected to have the mindset of an adult when you turn 18 but yet they won't let you o adult things other kids your age are doing? I would call them out on that. Then maybe they will see their own BS and how contradicting they are being. They can't have it both ways for you.

Also not everyone turns into an adult overnight when they turn 18. That is so ridiculous to expect people to be adults over night. Some are adults before they turn 18 and some don't become adults until after that age because they are more mature and have more of their life together and have more responsibilities and are more responsible. You can say Madonna didn't become an adult until she had her daughter which was when she was in her late 30's.

I had that struggles with my father as well, so he wanted to declare me as disabled, to take away any rights from me, and let me get tested because of it.

My oppinion would be to simply do what you want to do, anyway how your parents feel about it. Try by all means to get a small job you can do in the evening or at the weekend. With that money you can go for your driving license and pay your college applications on your own.

About cooking, there is not much that you can do really fatally wrong.

1) Simply NEVER forget to turn out the stove or the oven. If you are easily forgetting such stuff, then luckily wise men have invented annoying alarm clocks for people like us.

2) Never cut in direction of an body part with an sharp knife. That means to not hold a veggie in your hand, and then splice it in direction of that hand. Or to try cutting something while pushing in direction of your body. ^^ If you are cutting round stuff as onions, then simply start with cutting it in two halfs, so that you have a flat and stable veggie side on the table, and the veggie is not sneaking away from the knife, while you cut it. As long as you dont have any body parts of yourself in the direction that you are pushing, the worst thing to happen is a cut in the kitchen desk.

3) If you whyever manage to get oil on fire (My mother managed that once.), NEVER try to erase the fire with water. That will cause an huge random flame, causing the ceiling, curtains, ... everything else to burn. (Because of the heat, the water will damp immediately. The damp will carry small fat parts on it, and that will be caused to burn, because of the burning pan beneath it. Or shortly: It will do a big WOOSH!) Simply dont panic - a pan is fire resistant, so beside the anyway burning oil, the fire does not get new flamable material and so wont become any larger or explode or whatever and normally you dont (or should not) have flamable stuff directly above the stove. As long as the fire burns in the pan, the worst thing to happen is a ruined pan. So either try to choke the fire, by cutting of oxygen supply by giving a fitting potcover on it or use an extinguisher. (Or do as my mother did, by simply opening the window and carefully throwing the complete pan into our garden and then burrying the burning oil with earth = cutting of oxygen.) The main thing about burning oil in an pan or an pot, is that it is simply a burning oil in an pan or an pot. As long as you dont give water into it and so create a huge 6 inch random flame.

So as long as you manage that, the worst thing that can happen to you, is creating something that tastes horrible. Therefore the frozen pizzas have been invented.

Wow! This sounds ridiculous! I've experienced similar treatment but on a lesser scale than you describe. Even today I most of my family doesn't give me the same respect or consideration as the other adults get. It does get better though. The only advice I have is don't let anyone tell you that you'll never be able to accomplish certain things. It may be harder than for most people sometimes but if you really want it then you can likely achieve a decent level of success.

Good luck.

Not sure how constructive this is but when you are 18 technically no one can tell you what you can and can't do and that is the whole point. No idea what services are available for youngsters where you live but I would look for as much information possible and then evaluate. I would probably throw it all back in their face and take it from there but I am a pretty confrontational person. Best of luck!

I can relate to this too. It's pretty embarrassing to say this but I'm a 20 year old woman that lacks important basic life skills that most adults should have. For example, I can't drive because of my crippling anxiety and bladder problems which makes it so much worse for me . Although I can cook and prepare a few non microwave foods (rice, macaroni and cheese, salads), I avoid most cooking because I'm extremely afraid of getting burned, starting a fire or cutting myself with a knife . I do schedule my own appointments but I don't understand how taxes and insurance works. Another thing is that I'm afraid to repair some things in the house because I'm worried that I might break something and ruin it. I always think that everything I touch gets ruined. This makes me feel like some kind of helpless annoying pathetic loser. Any advice?

I didn't learn to drive until I was 25. And I learned how to cook when I was 50.

I learned how to invest in my 20s. Already have enough saved up for retirement, in case I get tired of working a full time day job.

Just because you haven't learned stuff doesn't mean you can't learn it later in life.

I got my driver's license when I was 37.

I owned my first car when I was 51.

I got my driver's license for the first time at 48. I never thought I would ever have one at all.

As BTDT has said, "Just because you haven't learned stuff doesn't mean you can't learn it later in life".

Every time you learn a real life skill, it make it easier to learn more. There are many times when I started something that I had never done before. I was not afraid to start because I had built up a track record of accomplishing whatever task I tried. Maybe I failed or fell short sometimes but then I became very capable of fixing what went wrong.

There are lots of parents and professionals who are currently hung up on all the weaknesses of autism and are scared that you might do something dangerous. A lot of other times, one parent tries to let their child learn things while the other protests and so there is a constant fight between them. The best you can do is perhaps look for a group of autistics in your area who have already become independent in your age group who can teach you independence. Also, it's important to surround yourself with positive people and ones who can talk to your parents.

As for your immaturity thing, things will start to make more sense for you when you are at least 27 years old but maybe learn to advocate for yourself in an assertive way. Tell your parents that you feel that they treat everything you do as a joke because all they seem to see is your disability.

I would suggest that you ask yourself whether this is just a phobia or whether there's some neurological issue, e.g. an attention issue, that would make you unable to drive safely. Some of us really should not drive. For example, when I was in my twenties, I decided that I didn't think I could reliably pay attention to everything a driver needs to pay attention to, especially with a passenger in the car. So I decided that I shoudn't drive but, instead, would always live near a subway station. (If NYC gets completely taken over by millionaires I might have to change that to living near an LIRR station.)

I had to make this decision on my own, back in the 1980's, long before "high-functioning autism" and "Asperger's syndrome" were at all widely known. For you, living in the era of autism awareness, there might be an option of in-depth neurological testing to help you decide whether there's a real reason why you shouldn't drive.


If you aren't already doing so, I would suggest taking some simple fire safety precautions like making sure you have a fire extinguisher within easy reach of the stove.

As for knives, keep an eye out for better knives whenever you happen to be shopping in a store that has them. I have one really good knife that is NOT sharp enough to cut through skin easily, but nevertheless is very good for cutting fruits, vegetables, and cooked meat.


These are things you'll just have to learn. How helpful are your parents in teaching you stuff like this?


Again you need to determine whether this is just a phobia or a real neurological impairment. Many autistic people do have motor coordination problems, but of widely varying severity. Some of us can do physical repairs just fine with no problem, but some of us can't.