Abusive husband isolating a friend of mine

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About four years ago, I met a married couple and their family at a previous synagogue and I thought they were the coolest peeps ever. The husband seems like he was somewhere on the spectrum himself while his wife has to ADD. I carpooled with them to services for a while along with hanging out. As I was getting to know them, I started to see some red flags.

1. He yelled at his wife and his stepdaughter about everything or often insulted them
2. He humiliated his youngest son one time for crying because his little boy made a mistake
3. He was always threatening to "Pull them over and spank them" right in front of me
4. One time his wife forgot to get the right shoes for synagogue and he looked at her like he was about to pounce.

In the beginning, he would yell at his wife or his stepdaughter in front of me and then act out of kindness with me in the car. Then he began criticizing me and before I knew it, I was walking on eggshells around him and end up in tears. Meanwhile, I started to get to know his wife, who is a very nice person and extremely laid back and stay away from him as much possible we started having our own friendship. About a year of that, her husband decided he didn't like me and told me to leave in a very loud and obnoxious manner. After, I was not ever invited over there again and nor did I hear from them.

At my current synagogue, her parents both attend and it turns out that he has been isolating her and their family from other people. Even her mom can't have a regular relationship with my friend who thinks she is just "Busy" taking care of their family and working all the time. Her mom thinks they are ideal for each other and that things are going to get better. When I saw her over the weekend, she told me she thinks her son is just under lots of stress. . She also said that her daughter is trying the best she can to keep him from going off on her or anything else. In my mind, she is walking on eggshells around them. Final red flag? He refuses to get counseling despite his temper and everyone is ok with that. They are wrapped up in the fact that "He's a good father" and has all these good qualities.

Anyway, I miss my friend and I love spending time with her but the problem is her husband. We can't have a friendship because of him and it hurts.

Is this the same couple you spoke about in the thread Out of the blue, they contacted me about housing options?

Yes, I wanted to talk about the situation because it is sad and it makes me angry that he is isolating her from other people as he didn't use to do that in the past, rather he just yelled at her and did other hostile things. After I was last over there, I have noticed it more. Note this topic is different than this couple contacting me out of the blue about housing options which is a different topic. Rather, this topic is about how I feel about the situation as a whole as my emotions got stirred up last weekend and this one as well, is that I heard from the wife and based upon running into her parents. Prior to this last contact, I have actually been ready to move on and accept things.


I posted this year because to tell you the truth, I have been very sad about this situation since last year as I had just started to bond with the wife as we seemed to be compatible. Because he is controlling and that posessive of her, I have not seen her in a year or really talked to her like I used to. As far as her contacting me out of the blue, I do feel she was contacting me because she wanted something from me. I am not happy with her for that.

That is unfortunate, also not sure what can be done on your end. I mean I remember for a while my family was friends with this other family. Their kid went to boy scouts with my brother and his dad was involved in that...so he and my mom became friends then we even went over to their house to have dinner a few times.

Anyways after a while the dad...well there started being some toxic behavior. One time he came to our house drunk yelling about where his wife had gone. shortly after that the kids stopped being friends with my brother, the wife very rude to my mom when she saw her someplace and tried to be friendly(by this point she knew the husband was being abusive) so I think she was trying to kind of reach out. But there was nothing we could do once they cut off communication.

The difficult thing is some people in abusive situations are in denial, and so they will even push away friends who try to help them. Hopefully your friend will find it in herself to want to get away from the situation...so certainly be there for her if she wants help or someone to confide in but try not to get too hurt if she pushes you away like don't blame yourself.

They constantly criticized me about how I seemed to be "Offended" about this or that and here her husband got offended and lost his temper at every little thing. Example, his stepdaughter ran away from home last year and did a big post on facebook asking us not to contact them until she was found. After she came back, I sent him a text telling her that I was glad she was home safe. He wrote "STOP" in all caps back. He dumped me as a friend a few months later which has been about a year now.

As for his wife two things
1. She doesn't seem to have good judgment about selecting men who are dating and marriage material. In fact, this is her second relationship where her significant other is abusive.
2. She and her parents are making excuses for him and his behavior.

That is a toxic situation and I did try to let them go but then I got my emotions stirred up again after texts me out of the blue but only because she wants something.