Drive You Home

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I’m listening to a Garbage album I’ve loved for a long, long time.

One of my ex-boyfriends loved Garbage too (they’ve always been one of my very favorites). He talked about once how “drive you home” was his favorite song.

He killed himself almost 8 years ago. A week after I found out I was pregnant with my son and I left him the day I found out. I still blame myself. I know some of his friends do too. I still get hateful messages from time to time from one of this friends and I relive it all over again.

He used to tell me if I ever got pregnant he’d take the baby from me using legal means. He used to tell me I was stupid. He used to tell me he didn’t love me because I didn’t make more money at my job (I was 20, making minimum wage and a full time student). He would constantly point out other women and tell me how attractive he thought they were but not me. I was 16 when I first met him and he was 25. Red flag number one, I guess, but I didn’t have adult guidance in my life and I thought I was mature as most teenagers are apt to think when they’re actually not.

I thought that when it had been so much time that I’d think about him less. I thought I wouldn’t be as angry. I didn’t think he’d ever kill himself, I didn’t see it coming.

Little things remind me of him so often and I hate it. I dream of him sometimes.

I haven’t really talked about this with anyone and I’m too ashamed to with a professional so why not post semi anonymously on the internet so I can get it out of my head .

Yes, I hope posting makes you feel better.

A sad story that was unlikely to end well no matter what as it sounds like a sure recipe for an abusive relationship.

I want you to know that I read this, Martian Princess.
I don't know what to say or how to help you feel better, but I care.
I hope that posting helped you to release some of that pain.

Don't blame yourself. Two things. One is that the gentleman did not seem to be a stable character. Yes, it is sad that he died, but don't blame yourself.
You need to close the door on the past. You have a wonderful future ahead. New experiences to explore. New joys to find! It is there waiting for you! Don't let the past stop you from experiencing the future. Take care of yourself. And something I want to tell you. You are an incredible lovely hearted woman. You are beautiful.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like your ex-boyfriend is the father of you son. Do you see a little bit of him in your son?

I agree with the above posters.

You’re living. Try to do the best you can.

He was an extremely abusive guy. How can anybody but an idiot nut think about the things you mentioned?

I hope you know your son is not him. He has a much better chance of thriving if you thrive yourself.

It's weird, I actually don't associate my son at all with him and my son doesn't remind me of him at all.

He is definitely my little boy clone though!

Thanks, all. I guess I needed a safe space with people who I trust. I appreciate you.

If you can find a trustworthy person to open up to who does not mind, it maybe an idea. You are soo brave to open up like this. God bless!