Husband keep tabs on you?

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Angnix
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13 Aug 2019, 7:12 am

I got dressed early this morning and my husband forgot we were going somewhere and he said "where are you going?" And I reminded him, but then I said "do I have the right to go out the door without telling you where I'm going?" He said "No! It's a safety issue!" I said "my therapist says I do" he said "the therapist isn't married to us, this is our marriage and if you go somewhere I have to know where you are at all times"

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13 Aug 2019, 7:26 am

I don't know the background of your marriage and whether if he is historically been controlling, and this is one way he exhibits that. But to me it's a perfectly normal question to which I'd give a direct answer. I think it's very reasonable for a spouse to ask and a spouse to answer the "where are you off to" question. While there is an element of "safety" it's also a matter of basic courtesy, as well as just good couples communication.



AnneOleson
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13 Aug 2019, 8:22 am

No, he doesn’t have the “right” to know where you are at all times, but it’s true that it’s a courtesy. Safety is a so-so kind of situation. If you have a cell he can call you wherever you are, or emergency people could call you if something happens to him and vice versa.

I go out of town without my husband a few times a year. He always knows generally where I’m going and why. We both have cell phones. But there was one time he asked me what hotel I was staying at and I was surprised he wanted to know as I didn’t think that it mattered. Turned out he was just curious. Now, my previous husband, I would have suspected that he was stalking me or controlling me as he was like that. I try not to let that man’s behaviour colour my current relationship.

All of that to say, no - you don’t have to tell him. If you want to, you will. Also, your therapist is a professional that you see for advice and support. The therapist’s words have value. While not part of your marriage, the therapist is an important person in your life.



Summer_Twilight
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13 Aug 2019, 8:24 am

Angnix wrote:
I got dressed early this morning and my husband forgot we were going somewhere and he said "where are you going?" And I reminded him, but then I said "do I have the right to go out the door without telling you where I'm going?" He said "No! It's a safety issue!" I said "my therapist says I do" he said "the therapist isn't married to us, this is our marriage and if you go somewhere I have to know where you are at all times"

...


In a way, he does need to know because you are married but if he controls your every move and treats you like a little kid who can't go somewhere without him, then that's a red flag.



Noca
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13 Aug 2019, 6:23 pm

Seems pretty reasonable to wonder where you are going, though the same question with a different tone such as a "where do you think you're going?" attitude wouldn't be okay.



Fireblossom
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14 Aug 2019, 5:52 am

Angnix wrote:
I got dressed early this morning and my husband forgot we were going somewhere and he said "where are you going?" And I reminded him, but then I said "do I have the right to go out the door without telling you where I'm going?" He said "No! It's a safety issue!" I said "my therapist says I do" he said "the therapist isn't married to us, this is our marriage and if you go somewhere I have to know where you are at all times"

...


Does it work the other way around, too? Does he also think that he needs to inform you of his movements all the time? If not then he's being unfair and you don't need to tolerate it.