I'm feeling worthless

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My husband works, does groceries and cooks.
I just sit on a carpet with a jigsaw puzzle.
I would like to help but I just can't. I'm so effing weak. When I do nothing I can keep myself above the threshold of functioning. I feel normal, my mind works well. But add a stupid doc visit yesterday and today I'm a wreck, not only unable to work like clean the apartament (which really should be done). I'm even unable to eat anything other than bread.

My inlaws will come on Sunday. Our relationship is getting worse and worse. Last time we visited them they flushed us with constant stream of complaints about how we live and rise our children. It was sickening. I deeply disagree with them, I don't want my children to be "nice" meaning obeying every command without compliants. I want them to grow up to be strong, independent adults using their own minds and consciences. But it means they don't follow the order of their grandparents' house where everything is arbitrarily controlled by one person.

Now my husband wants me to discipline the children more... but I can't. I can't demand from them living up to standards I can't live up to myself. That would be dishonest. How can I demand they clean their room when I don't have power to do the same myself?

I'm below the threshold again. Every time I think I'm okay and I can function, I quickly find out I can't. Too little effing spoons. All I can do is lying on my carpet and trying to survive another afternoon.

I'll lend you one but I need it back at some point

I wish I had your smarts, Magz.

Worthlessness.. Feelings do pass, sometimes it takes a lot longer than is helpful.

I think you're doing amazing Magz, it costs you though I know.

The in-laws will think and say what they want no matter what you do. Their way of being wont change at this stage, I would discount the views of people who are imbalanced in this way.
Have you said to your husband what you wrote here about feeling hypocritical when it comes to the children?

I wish your husband would stroke your hair more.....

I'm not advocating it as a religion or anything close to that but taoist philosophy helps me to be kinder to myself, to know my own value even if my feelings tell me otherwise.
Its ideas (and other strategies) helps me to accept my own nature, it's a work in progress.

I hope you and your hubby could get some time together to talk and bond, to get on the same page before his folks arrive.

Oh, magz. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and let you know how meaningful you are, regardless of what hubby and inlaws think. In the end, you have to find some way to protect yourself. Sometimes it means lying on the floor all day.

I agree with you on the business of not making your kids (or anyone else) do something you wouldn't or can't do yourself. I know how overwhelming housework can be. Thank goodness nobody ever visits us hidden away in the swamp like we are, because my home is never neat or clean. I do the best I can and my husband understands that. Each day, each of us does the best we can and we have to trust that each of us is doing the best s/he can. Then move forward from that.

I am sorry your inlaws are coming. I once had a terrible MIL and every visit was torture. Thank heavens, I got out of that relationship.

Please take care of yourself Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. You help so many of us here on WP.

You seem like such a good caring person magz. Take care of yourself.

I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical to ask your children to do something you cant do. (I don’t know their ages though). When my son was young I had him eat foods I “can’t” because I didn’t want him to be limited like me. I taught him to clean and cook and sew, so that he could take care of himself. Im horrible cooking and cleaning. Tell them that Mum can’t always do things and how much you love their help. Love and caring for each other is not a “you do something for me/the family and I’ll do the exact same thing to balance that”. You are so good here, that I am sure that a big part of your family and household work is the provision of love and caring.

My husband works PT (his own business), does the grocery shopping and meals and errands and because I (currently) work FT he is on call for the children also; this week I've been suggesting it's his turn to work (financially support us) - I want to stay home and do puzzles! So when I read your post... I get that.

Maybe your standards are high like mine? That whole "what's wrong with me?" rather than "look at how much I am doing." You feel self-critical rather than congratulating yourself on your appt trip and soothing yourself afterwards (as long as it takes). BTDT (and being there, doing that).

I've started telling my in-laws, friends (and husband): I err on the side of creativity relative to discipline. One wants enough creativity or enough discipline and if it doesn't come from within, there are resources. When I (or my children) focus we can do the discipline, it's just not an everyday thing (asides from established routines). I was just explaining to my daughter today that I know we've been lax with her little brother (relative to a discipline) and we'll get to it --- when I focus on it... someday soon... most likely... before he's 18 for sure (he's 5).

In my case I know my husband and I are fairly balanced (although I have my minutes, hours, days of doubt also --- both ways: it's me! it's him!). Perhaps you have a (more stable) sense of that for yourself? I am starting to own my "crazy". I repeatedly direct my mother-in-law to her son when she asks about anything related to cleaning (or sometimes for child related items too). When my husband asks me about the kids (often in front of them), I refer him to direct his questions to them. Yadda, yadda, blah, blah --- I could go on for another hour.

I'm sorry you are feeling down today. I hope you find space for yourself to fill in a gentle way.


APPENDIX

In a parenting class there was a mom complaining that she wished she was as creative as I am --- she was a nice, caring "bookish" woman. I looked at her and said "my guess is that your kids brush their teeth 1-2 times a day, make their beds every morning and likely take baths more than 1x a week". She was like "of course". I was like "my kids don't, so there: Pros and Cons." Of course we each look for balance. When I want to add more discipline (yes, my husband asks for it and I agree -to an extent-), I think of her and am inspired to do so calmly. Maybe she sometimes thinks of me and let's go and happily watches her kids pour flour all over themselves and the floor. Maybe.

BTW - I was reading "Outliers" that says it takes 10,000 hours of study to be an expert --- I know I got in my 10,000 hours of puzzles - I solve puzzles very well. Ironically my mother-in-law does puzzles - simple ones... I thought she was nothing like me - she cooks and cleans, she's unexpressive and uncommunicative (I'm a blabbermouth) - but now that I am considering ASD for myself - I realize that she's a lot like me but the other extreme in terms of outward characteristics... Life is odd.

Just today (after a small disagreement) my husband and I talked about what I can say when I am stretched beyond my limits and need help (without feeling ashamed of myself). I'll have this all figured out in another 40 years, I know it!! (and if not, well that's how that goes)

Hugs.

Obedient children is a sign of strong parents, not the opposite. It's easy to get disobedient children, just don't raise them and they'll drift away, lord knows this world is full of them. Obedient children is NOT a flaw, especially not in our age. And it's normal for a household to be controlled by one person just as it is normal for your body to be governed by one head.

But you do owe it to your husband to do much better, he seems to be busting his butt for your family. Ultimately, before you can get the energy to better yourself you need to start eating right, sleeping right, and working out. These three made into a habit will make obstacles that once seemed large into little more than a trifling. They will give you the energy to start giving back, but it might take a year or two to really start pulling it off. You have to want it, you have to FIGHT for it and expect a struggle, but it's very much a worthwhile one. The reward would also be a big boost to your husband as he'll wonder what got into you, and you'll become much more attractive to him, which will cause him to do even better, creating something of a chain reaction which will infect your children for the better as a result.

^such advise is not suited to the tone of this sub forum, and is an off topic response to the OP.

@Ferris

Thanks, I think I can now run on my own ones if I save them.

@Possum You are as supportive as a gallows. Mods, don't remove his messsage. Let others know what not to do in The Heaven.

@SharonB You are most likely right it is a discipline vs creativity problem and I'm very strongly on the side of creativity. My kids do brush their teeth every day (an evening ritual) but they don't make their beds every morning, lol, no way But they create poems, constructions, arts, their own board games, their own video games in Roblox... and of course a lot of mess. And my husband is just like them, lol. That's actually what I find unfair in his demands.

@BDavro I don't want to divorce my husband, I love him, esp. his creativity but parenting stresses him out so much that he copies unhealthy patterns of his own parents. I worked really hard to understand and get rid of unhealthy patterns of my own parents but he is slower to do the same.
I hope as my kids get older and more independent, the pressure on us lessens and we can enjoy each other the way we used to. It got so much better after the younger one turned 4 and we started to be able to discuss and agree on our rules of functioning. I hope it will get even better when they start to be able to care for themselves like make their own food if they don't like what we make.

Everyone except Possum, thanks for support I had some GI problem yesterday that likely deprived me of spoons from the early morning. When I have enough power, I can deal with all this but it's so easy to fall below the threshold when any unexpected problem emerges.

I hope you’re feeling much better today.

You’re a nice lady.

Do you have dacha-like places like they have in Russia? I wish you could retreat to Nature when you are able.

Are you doing any research today?