Why shouldn't I hate myself?

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I have a lot of trouble imagining why the people I've wronged wouldn't want me to hate myself. And if they somehow don't think I should hate myself, I don't see how that makes sense or why I should respect it. It also wouldn't take into account the opinions of the other people I've wronged who do think I should hate myself, so why should I care?

But regardless of what people think, shouldn't there be at least some people who should hate themselves? I can kinda-sorta believe that everyone deserves self-love right up until people try to apply it to me in which case it just ceases making any sense.

Some would suggest that you should love yourself regardless of whether you're where you want to be at with yourself. And that's not going to happen with me. Others would suggest you should love yourself when you've overcome whatever fault or vice you think is holding you back from self-love. But I don't see that happening either. So in any circumstance, self-loathing seems like the way to go. Regardless of how "healthy" that might be.

Did you intentionally do evil things to other people?

None of your problems will be solved by hating yourself.

What have you done that is so "wrong"?

How does it help other people if you hate yourself?
Why is it not enough if they decide to hate you?
When someone wrongs me I don't care if they love or hate themselves because it has nothing to do with how they treated me (maybe it would even make them treat me worse because they would become more frustrated) but with how they treat themselves which I don't care about.

Self-pity will not bring you happiness.

It's not something I did intentionally. Funny enough it's mainly things I've done unintentionally that I have trouble letting go because I don't feel like I have as much control over whether I'll do them again outside of just being "more careful". It's not even anything too terrible that I've done.

Sigh, most of the things I hear here are the same responses I'm used to, and I know that if I were in a better state of mind I would agree; I'm just not usually in a great state of mind--I sure wasn't when I started this thread but hey.

I can recognize hating myself doesn't really solve anything. It doesn't undo anything I've done and it doesn't really guarantee I won't do similar things in the future. I tend to rationalize it by thinking that I deserve it and that giving someone something they deserve is kinda sorta worth doing on its own. But deep down I know that's bs.
On a slightly less bs level it just gives me something to do. I feel like if I sit there not feeling awful about myself I have a hard time convincing myself that I actually care or that I'll actually make enough effort to not repeat mistakes. Trying not to hate myself when my knee-jerk reaction is to do just that just results in me sitting there dissociating. It doesn't feel right to be good to myself (letting myself move on, relax, do something I enjoy), but I know I shouldn't be bad to myself, so I just get paralyzed. Hating myself (and sometimes performing certain accompanying actions) can feel like a better alternative to sitting there dissociating until I hardly feel like I exist.

Well, if you unintentionally offended some people, apologize once you realize it and explain you didn't mean it. If they are still offended, it's their problem not yours.
If you blow meltdowns on people, self hating makes it even more likely to occur again. The efficient way of preventing meltdowns is caring for your own comfort.
I can't really think of other ways of repetitively and unintentionally "harming" others.
You are under enormous anxiety, that is easy to be read from your posts. Maybe you have been consistently guilt tripped in your childhood? I was and it made me think in similar ways. I needed to reinterpret a lot of my life history to learn other ways.
If you can't let go your guilt, find a priest or a psychologist and confess. It may help you see the things in more realistic proportions.

It’s not like you killed someone, robbed someone, physically hurt someone.

I don't really offend people. and I don't have meltdowns really. It's mainly been me hurting people I've been in relationships with. And it makes me feel worse because I was close to those people, and I know I've left at least a couple of them damaged or embittered. I hate thinking that anyone has been left worse for having known me. One person I've hurt isn't really in my life anymore and neither of us really wants to talk to the other, so I can't undo any hurt I've done to them. The other person that comes to mind is still close to me, and they say they forgive me, but they're still more cynical and bitter at least partly because of things I've done, so it still hurts.

Yeah, anxiety is my middle name. I wasn't really guilt tripped much growing up aside from a few isolated incidents. I've tended to be harder on myself than others have. I hold onto things way longer than other people seem to. Of course this results in things hurting more when people don't seem to let things go.
The other person I mentioned before who I said had forgiven me for things I'd done is....very bad at owning up to things they've done and apologizing. It really hurts them when they realize or have to admit they've hurt someone they care about, and when they get backed into that corner they have a tendency to lash out. And on at least one occasion they've lashed out by bringing up ways I've wronged them or others before that they had said they'd forgiven me for. Which leaves me hurt because I already have a very hard time forgiving myself, and makes me feel like I should feel worse than I already do. And of course makes it hard to believe that they actually forgive me. And of course they don't apologize for doing this afterwards so the issue just gets ignored. It just re-opens the wound. I know it's not right of them but I know what I did wasn't right either so I don't feel like I am in much place to call them out for bringing it up like that.

You even identify that others are sometimes hurting you.
Are you angry at them?
I used to have my anger blocked and redirected at myself. I know we are told to seek our own faults instead of faults of others but it can be carried too far when one starts to believe everything is their own fault. It is important to see things with right proportions, be responsible for oneself but also know where one's responsibilities end. It's called healthy boundaries.
Defining boundaries of your responsibility helps with acting responsible - because you focus on things you can help and not waste your energy on things outside of your significant influence.

I wasn't always great at identifying when others hurt me, or at least figuring out that I don't deserve it. I've received a lot worse than I deserved for years from some people (mostly just one) because I'd wronged them before, and I believed that anything less than abandonment was better than I deserved anyway. I know I'm not blameless but I realize more that that doesn't give people I've wronged a blank check to treat me how they want. Maybe I'm frustrated with myself for not being good enough to deserve to be treated better? If that makes any sense?
I think that might play into it now that I think about it since the first time I s*lf-h*rmed was when I tried to stand up for myself (about a minor thing) and was dismissed and ignored, so I punished myself for not being more persuasive. (Which I recognize is absolute bs).

And yeah, I would say I'm angry at them. But I still really care about them, and I've spent years and years not calling them out for anything because I know I've hurt them. Their tendency to dismiss criticism or get defensive and lash out doesn't help. Neither does the fact that I hate being angry. It's easier for me to just be depressed and resigned, because it is less exhausting and doesn't require an outlet. Being depressed is easy (easier, at least), depression is like my baseline already.
So now this makes me think part of why I avoid being angry is because I redirect it at myself for being unable to more healthily act on it? It can just be hard to express my frustration with people in a respectful way when, even in a good mood, this particular person is very stubborn. I feel like if I don't express my frustration in just the right way at just the right time, I'll get dismissed for how the frustration is being expressed. And even if I get past that, I could still end up dismissed for being frustrated about whatever the thing in question is. And aaaaall of this is compounded by my anxiety which makes doing this in the moment especially hard, and trying to call someone out later (even if only a few hours or a day or two) just feels wrong--as though I'm dredging something up.

nobody is perfect.

some precious lil "people" have, confidence out of proportion to competence

s**t

"if you can't beat them, join them. or live outside it all. creatures that live outside it all, don't last long"