*Trigger Warning* Suicide...

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My family suffered a blow on Tuesday. My step-daughter who has been battling alcohol and drug addiction hung herself. She'd only been out of long term rehabilitation for 2 months and had just gotten custody back of her 11 year old son ( our grandson ). He was the one who found his mother hanging, suffice to say that he will never be the same again.

I am rarely able to cry. I know that I feel something about this situation, but I'm not sure what it is. I elected to stay home and I have made all the arrangements so that my husband doesn't have to. In situations like these, I can only show I care by doing the tasks that nobody really wants to do. If I didn't have those tasks, people might think that I don't care because I can't show emotion. But, I do care. I'm just not sure how I care. Am I sad? I don't feel sad. I think I feel shocked, worried for my grandson and husband. Mostly I feel like I'm on autopilot, but I don't remember ever setting the controls. It's just an innate understanding that I would be useless as a shoulder to cry on. I'm an action person.

This is awful. The emotions I feel are tied to my head. I'm outraged that she knew that it could only be my grandson who found her, but she did it anyway. I'm angry that she killed herself 6 hours away from home, we've had to pay a huge amount of money to transport her body, in addition to funeral expenses. I'm angry that she did this to her father. He is one of 5 kids, his 4 siblings are dead. Three are dead by suicide and murder, he carried an immense amount of guilt over the first brother that died (by hanging). None of the sympathetic emotions I feel are for the deceased, they are all for the living who have been left behind to try and find a way to go on.

I am telling myself that people who kill themselves are out of their mind ( I hope ) and can't be held responsible for their actions. So, the decisions she made were irrational, she wasn't thinking right. Do I believe that? Sometimes, but sometimes I think it's very well thought out. I'm just going with it in this case so that I can try and rid myself of these other useless, negative emotions. No good can come of them, I want them banished from my head.

My only plan for now is to just keep helping my husband. He is grateful for it, so that suggests to me that I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes that's the only way I know what the right thing to do is. That, and not giving a voice to these other destructive emotions I'm having. I know there is good in me, just trying to do the next right thing.

If you pray, please pray for my family (and me). If you don't pray, please send us healing, white light. In times like these, actions and words can set the stage for the rest of a life. I want to do the right thing by my family.

Nothing wise to say... Just letting you know I've read.
Hug.

All you can do is offer support to your grandson now. I feel the exact same way about suicide. If someone I love kills themselves I get angry at them and feel betrayed even if I know they were probably screwed up.

Hugs for you, your husband and your family.

This topic is all too familiar to me relative to family, friends, and personally.

I can't cry for big things but cry all the time for little things. Last month when my aunt passed away, I felt not much at all. I later "grieved" for her in a dream (unbearable grief, "safely" tucked away in a dream). My Aspie-like mom said she had a similar dream when her estranged father died. After my favorite cousin committed suicide I had a healing dream about her - we talked: I told her she was dead, she said she knew and regretted that it happened, we missed each other.

I have been suicidal myself so could speak to that, but won't. You have the gist.

Hugs.

Thank you everyone who commented.

I just found what you wrote.

It’s sweet of you to take responsibility. Your husband is a lucky man. It’s a hard thing to do....funeral arrangements and all that. Very hard.

I had an ex-fiancée who took an overdose 21 years ago, and didn’t make it. She had a long-term drug problem. She had overdosed previously to gain attention.

I really wish people could have more access to other people, animals, plants, books, Internet—which would help them gain perspective. I wish people would listen to other people more.

I hope you know you are not to blame.

I have been through death many times but not in the same circumstance.

I find I am numb. I just act accordingly and go through the actions but am numb. Most funerals, even if I wanted to I could not cry or show emotion which is wierd as I am normally very emotional.

So sad it had happened to you and your family.

Hugs. I don't know what else to do.

I’m sorry Persephone. As some others here, we had a similar experience in our family. It was my mothers only sister and her young daughter found her. Seeing the devastation it caused in the family is what saved me several times. I told my son about it and that has helped keep him alive. Prayers for you all and extra for your grandson. Is he with you and your husband?

(((Persephone)))

Prayers for you and your entire family.

So sorry for your loss ((((hugs))))

I can't imagine the magnitude of pain you must be feeling, Persephone.

I hope all of you (especially the boy) will be alright.