Being Different.

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I am having a hard time being different these days.

How to cope?

1. Withdraw.

2. Keep away from people.

3. Avoid public places.


The problem is, I can do these things, and at times I've had to. But it is not neccessarily the answer as more and more places are becoming urban no go areas.

When I withdraw, I am dependent. I have always tried to be independent.

How do I withdraw and keep my independence?


But why should we have to withdraw? Why has communism taken over? Why are we not accepted for who we are?

^^all very good questions. us outliers oughta stick together

I do all those things happily, though indeed it becomes increasingly more difficult to find places to be alone. I find more independence in solitude.

I'm different. But people have to accept me. Because I keep myself clean, and I don't get unpleasant. I have a decent attitude with people.

You're a good guy. Why do you want to isolate yourself.

It sounds like you might be having a bad day.

Yes. Had a bad day. Usually withdraw and go quiet when I'm not happy.

Easier to type on the internet though.

Internet is slow.

That's cool. I have those types of days, too.

Sometimes, I find the Internet easier to deal with than dealing with people in person.

Of corse. As long as the internet is working ok.

Yes but I am waiting. I am waiting as I am petrified to claim. I am no good with forms when I feel fragile. I also too nurvous to go through the process.

I don't know if help is coming. It may not come. I need to know soon, as I need to know if I should put more of my trains for sale, as they often take a while to sell. Often I have to eep reducing prices before they eventually sell. Takes time.

Have reached a stage where I am almost unemployable due to struggling with partial shutdowns and anxiety etc. The amount of hours I can cope with is so low that I could lose money in commuting and food then I would get back, so in thw past I looked at it as a way to keep my body going, but it is impractical.

In the past I was good at masking. I was younger. Able to do more without so many partial shutdowns. Able to cope with stressful situations etc. Gradual decline. Today I can't see how I can work again unless I change somehow. Unless I can have a total recharge.

I am like this tablet. It used to hold a charge for a few days. Now I need to keep recharging it just to survive the day. I am almost constantly charging it. I feel like that.

^^^i wish i could be over there to help you out.

No worries. I am ok.

I have lived a few years on no income in the past. My Mum feeds me. When I need money I sell some train things. I have too much of them anyway. If I sell a lot, I can invest in tools to make my own trains, but I need to go easy doing this, as one never knows when the next bill will come, so if I am not prepared I am without a car when I need one. If I lived near a transport link it would be easier... But on the other hand, I need to live in a quieter area away from people.

Anyway. Worst case scinario is I carry on as I am. Not ideal but I have done it and I can keep doing it until the trains run out! (I am keeping the ones I make as they are personal. The rest do not matter so much. It would be nice to keep them, but not the end of my little world if they go. Yes, they aee my number one special interest, but as my love has shifted to the ones that I make, and these I will keep. I would starve rather then sell these!).

I hope I don't reach the point of having nothing left as then I will lose all hope and become rather suicidal. (What's the point in me living if I have no trains?) But I have some time to go before I reach that position. I don't mind selling the trains I am selling though, as I realized a long time ago that I have more trains then the space needed to run them!

So the situation is not desperate, but maybe if I don't find a way to get myself sorted somehow. I am a bit upset that I am not able to cope even with low hours part time work, as in the past I always had my trade to fall back on... This is scary! Is like losing ones eyesight. Well... Maybe not. I sometimes lose my eyesight if I go into a deep shutdown, but when this happens, my eyesight is the last rhing on my mind, as I am in an internal panic trying to prevent myself fully shutting down to begin with. It is horrible shutting down but being concious at the same time and on top of this, not being able to think. It is wierd. Not being able to think, yet hearing tinitus and yet ones actual hearing has shut down as well... But somehow one is not thinking but aware that one is alive and awake? If you touched me I would know somehow even though I would have limited feeling.

Ooh. I now know why I seem to faint out when I am sick. It is a shutdown. I need someone to clear my airwaves as I have shut down. My Mum does the same when she is sick. She goes unconcious. But it is not quite the same as going unconcious. The unconcious comes if ones airwaves are not cleared in time. I have had to do this when my Mum has gone sick. Once she was unconcious behind the door and I had to push her whole body so I could get in to see to her. The real fear I have is if I go sick, is as I am shutting down at the same time, I am unable to tell anyone and am not able to bang my arm etc to ask for help.

^^^ the going deaf and blind in addition to everything else, makes me think of epileptic seizures, do you have that in your family?

Not really. My Dad was said to have petit mal fits when he was young, but other then that, no.

well at least it is good that he seems to have not had them since?