Bothers me I can't express myself...at work.

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Sweetleaf
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30 Sep 2019, 6:39 pm

It's just kind of dawned on me that it really does come down to that. I mean I'm 30 and still the stupid bullying and ostracism I experienced at school much of the time seems to hold me back. Its like I just get stuck in silent mode...where I say very little because I am afraid of actually expressing my personality(not that its anything special) or mentioning any interests. Like I have inadvertently learned it is better to be painfully quiet than risk people picking on you.

I just hate it because now I feel like I am kind of trapped. If I just start being more expressive then I worry people will think that is weird since they're used to me being painfully quiet or that I will come off as too desperate for social interaction.

But yeah at home with my boyfriend or when I am with my family, I talk quite a bit more, sometimes a little too much so I do have to try to remember not to go on to long about the same thing I think I have gotten better with that. But yeah its kind of getting to me spending my four hour shift essentially in complete silence. Its just I do have things to express i would like to socialize a little bit...but seems its too late already.

Not sure what the point of this post is, I guess I am just kind of at a loss with this issue. I am doing just fine with my work tasks so this mental stuff isn't really interfering with my working. Just depressing I guess feeling left out/excluded even if I am the one that kind of inadvertently put myself there by being so quiet initially. Basically my work isn't suffering now but I am worried if my work moral continues to decrease due to this then it might. I mean essentially I just feel like I am outside...I'm not really part of the team, I'm just a person who slips in to do work and slips out to go home seemingly without being noticed.

I guess I should probably mention it to one of my vocational counselors...but to be honest I am pretty embarrassed about it. It was even difficult to say it on here, let alone calling up my vocational counselor to tell them. Not even sure how they could help. I mean its not like I want to be everyone's best friend or anything it would just be nice if I was at least on the basis with people it seemed normal to greet them, or normal to make a comment from time to time time instead of feeling like I have to stick to myself in such an extreme manner.


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Mountain Goat
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30 Sep 2019, 7:38 pm

I can sympathise. I found that I was happier in behind the scenes work, but at the moment, even that I can no longet do.



Persephone29
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01 Oct 2019, 9:38 pm

Do you show up for your shifts? I don't have much in the way of advice regarding the other stuff, but I can tell you this with certainty: if you show up for your shifts, it can only get better from there.

What has broken the ice for me in the past is bringing cupcakes, or sharing some chocolate covered strawberries I got as a gift from my husband. Lord knows I don't need them and it worked. I didn't have to say anything, we were all speaking the language of food. And it was GREAT!

Then, just a smile. The occasional hello.

Good luck! You can do it! :)


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Sweetleaf
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01 Oct 2019, 9:50 pm

Yeah I haven't missed any shifts, though I have been 20 minutes late twice because the bus being late but no one seemed to care about that so whatever I am sure it will result in a slightly smaller paycheck for the weeks that happened in. I am a little worried about the winter weather since it can slow the buses down and also create dangerous walking conditions so if its very icy I might have to stay home. That said I suspect if it was that icy out they'd be closed anyways.


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Persephone29
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01 Oct 2019, 9:56 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Yeah I haven't missed any shifts, though I have been 20 minutes late twice because the bus being late but no one seemed to care about that so whatever I am sure it will result in a slightly smaller paycheck for the weeks that happened in. I am a little worried about the winter weather since it can slow the buses down and also create dangerous walking conditions so if its very icy I might have to stay home. That said I suspect if it was that icy out they'd be closed anyways.



Sounds reasonable and sounds like you're a dependable employee. That's big. :!:


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kraftiekortie
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01 Oct 2019, 10:24 pm

I didn’t talk to anybody for the first few months I was at my present job.

That was in 1980-1981. I’m still in the same place now, in 2019.



WalkerTR
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02 Oct 2019, 9:55 am

Don't be embarrassed to tell your councillor. They will understand and will
Probably have dealt with this before.



SharonB
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02 Oct 2019, 11:42 am

What you wrote was/is me! My ASD Coach is adamant that I can find a friendly work environment again where I can be more myself. I had a period of time in a more inclusive environment and it was lovely (enough). I'm not in one now, so being female and likely ASD is quite a burden. I am unmasking now (late 40s), so look forward to a safe environment to do so.

Often I'm a big personality, or I am not one at all. Teasing: Who says ASDs are black and white? In an inclusive environment my behavior is more moderate (more relaxed?).



Marknis
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02 Oct 2019, 1:07 pm

The socialization at my job is horrible. The supervisor and her assistants are bitter people who constantly police anyone who aren’t in their positions but they will willingly break the very rules they enforce and make exceptions for the few people outside their positions they like.



Sweetleaf
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03 Oct 2019, 3:49 pm

Marknis wrote:
The socialization at my job is horrible. The supervisor and her assistants are bitter people who constantly police anyone who aren’t in their positions but they will willingly break the very rules they enforce and make exceptions for the few people outside their positions they like.


I am sure if I worked at a place like that they'd prey on me, mercilessly and I would have to or would get fired because I'd probably start getting distracted and do more poorly with the work.

Luckily my work is at a thrift store where some of the employees have special needs so there is no tolerance of toxic/bullying behavior, granted misunderstandings can happen and people can get irritated with one-another for sure, but there's not a culture of toxicity so that's nice.

Perhaps you could look to switch jobs if you have experience and people there are a**holes but IDK how much jobs and such are available.


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Marknis
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03 Oct 2019, 5:23 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
The socialization at my job is horrible. The supervisor and her assistants are bitter people who constantly police anyone who aren’t in their positions but they will willingly break the very rules they enforce and make exceptions for the few people outside their positions they like.


I am sure if I worked at a place like that they'd prey on me, mercilessly and I would have to or would get fired because I'd probably start getting distracted and do more poorly with the work.

Luckily my work is at a thrift store where some of the employees have special needs so there is no tolerance of toxic/bullying behavior, granted misunderstandings can happen and people can get irritated with one-another for sure, but there's not a culture of toxicity so that's nice.

Perhaps you could look to switch jobs if you have experience and people there are a**holes but IDK how much jobs and such are available.


They tend to be brutal on the younger women unless they just happen to be the “right” kind of person and they’ll overlook poor performances by the people they like but will rip apart the people they look down upon.

I honestly have never gone out to interview for a job. This job was thrust upon me and replaced school for me.



sly279
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04 Oct 2019, 3:00 am

Same. 4 years now, I habe no work friends, I don’t get invited to hangouts. I don’t get dates though a lot of them date each other.


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huescorporation
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04 Oct 2019, 3:05 am

Aw oh :o .