Why Am I Feeling Fragile?

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Why is it that I have had such a decline over the last few years? Why was I able to do so much more in the past? Is my age old? Is it burnout after burnout? Can one recieve milder forms of burnout but more of them... With each time one has them they get worse? I can't isolate a burnout stage as it has been gradual...

I have had the benefits lady say I should try to claim PIP. I have not done so, because I feel guilty... But the way I feel now as I write this, I am feeling that maybe I should try. They can always say no... But I don't want to be classed as having a dissability... It feels like failing.
But, on the other hand, if I continue to feel like this and I decline again, I will likely be stuck in some sort of hospital and not be able to get out. Nope. It has not come to that... But if I decline too much further...

OK. I am having a moan.... Is just I have been feeling fragile. My balance is effected. I am kinda walking funny now and then. A bit like "Thunderbirds" puppets if that makes sense? Captain Scarlet? Uhmmm. Maybe older humans from the UK will know what I mean.

I think that a combination of things that you mentioned is quite likely. I have had several completely knock-out burn-outs over the course of my life, and they always seem to come on gradually, without me even noticing at first. There has never been a sudden start to them like you'd get with a melt-down, just shutting down ever so slowly over time.

And I do think that they accumulate over time. Looking back, I think that every time I had a burn-out before, there was so much pressure to get back up on my feet again, that I never fully recovered. So I was starting my "new life" a little bit more worn out each time, and the next burn-out came along even quicker than the previous one.

Also, yes, I think age makes a big difference. I don't feel anything like as resilient as I did a decade ago - and I had noticed that already before I realised that I was autistic. Masking just seems to get harder and wear me down much faster than it used to. That's once of the reasons that I'm trying to mask less than I used to - I figure that I might as well let people get used to it before I get so old that I can't mask any more.

Another factor for you might be this whole process of learning about your autistic traits. When I was going through that, all of the new information that I was taking in, and all of the questions all of the time in my head, really zapped my energy.

Thank you Trogluddite. You have made sense of things to me. The masking is a hard one. If I realize I am unmasked I have two different feelings.
• The one is of a childlike freedom where I just don't care anymore but then I risk the few people that do know me well thinking that I have become some sort of mental nutcase.
•The second more common feeling is where cracks start to appear in the masking, and I feel like I am naked and need to run and hide to keep myself safe.

Yes. The burnouts... I did not notice I was having them until I reached the stage of being in them. I am concerned that I may not recover, yet I really need to recover because I can't see how I can get any worse and maintain a sense of mental and physical stability. Oh gosh. I am really really concerned for a member of a model railway site that I am on who as autism and he mentioned how he was struggling and having a hard time. (He used to create some wonderful models). He then dissapeared from the site. We were very concerned and as the months went by, we were asking the moderators and each other if anyone knew him. Then someone managed to find his address. We had one if the moderators write to him on our behalf. Unfortunately no reply has been forthcoming.
My thoughts are... What if the poor guy had suffered one burnout to many and was stuck in a horrible situation? He had been in hospital before due to the autism.
It is a horrible thing to consider. For me I find hospitals.... I hve never had to atay in hospital other then being born... But I have had shutdowns and partial shutdowns. I once had a string of shutdowns just after having had a blood test where I ws there for 6 hours in all! This was mainly due to the bleach smell which causes me to shut down and stress of the blood test itself... And every time I began to recover the nurse kept trying to force me to think... "What day is it? What is your name? What is your address?" Every time I tried to use my brain to think I had another shutdown! GRRR!

But anyway. It is horrible to think what could have happened to our poor friend on the model railway site.

I daresay a few of us on the left side of the pond are familiar with Supermarionation. Fond memories of being a kid.

You may have had successive burnouts without sufficient recovery in between. Take it easy.

You have to decide for yourself obviously but I'd say that it was time for a note from the DR, Employment support allowance and time out. You live half way up a mountain and have shutdowns when you travel so, Personal Independence Payment too.

Edit: You mentioned something about attending 47 funerals in a different thread, as well as the grief, that's a lot of social engagements to contend with, especially while these changes are surfacing in you.

Just over 12 years ago I had the first burnout experience and have had quite a few since, with each one hitting me harder. I have done my best to unload and take things easy for many years. The more I have tried to take it easy, the more I find kind hearted people trying to get me involved in things as they believe I need to do more to try to recover. They don't understand. I am now at a stage where I can't really work which has been one of those positions which I never thought I would find myself in.

I do thank you for the reply. I feel like I need a couple of years holiday somewhere! At least now at the moment, though I have not recieved any payment, I am on a sickness benefit. It has taken a weight off my mind. It allows me a chance to recover. I am feeling physically ill with this last burnout. A stage I call being fragile. It is worrying me because I don't know how I can go any lower and survive.

I need to be optomistic though. I need to say to myself that I will recover.

I do have a fear that I will be forced to find work again, and I will refuse to listen to my mind/body, and go for it and end up with a complete breakdown. The benefits people are rather keen to try to get anyone claiming sickness benefit back into work and I have heard of quite a few cases where people have been forced to find jobs when it risks their life and wellbeing to do so. If this happens to me, I will walk out and refuse to continue on any benefit as my health is more important to me then money.

But, at the moment, I need to use this opportunity my government has blessed me with. An opportunity to recover. So I hope to do all I can to aid this recovery.




The lady at the benefits office said I should claim for PIP as well. I have not done so yet. I need to phone them I was told. I have the number. I am uncertain if I am entitled to it or not as in my mind, I keep thinking about how I am when I get good days. The problem is, do we fill out forms as if we are going through a better day, or do we fill them when we are struggling? As I understand that if I answer one way or the other, I will either not be entitled or I will be but could be accused of obtaining it by deception if I start to recover or am having a good day where I feel up to doing things?

I did look at an online questionare about if I was elligeable to claim PIP and if I am on a bad day, I am certainly eligable, but on a good day I am not...

It was 43 funerals in about three to four years. We stopped going after that as others we knew died like my old boss where I first worked, and two people from a church I used to go to. One was in his early 80's and the other was 36. The 36 year old was a male nurse who was doing very long shifts and it is believed the shifts had run him down. He went to bed ad woke up dead in the morning. Both of these people I knew well as did my old boss, but I just couldn't do any more funerals.
So many other stressful things happened as well. These funerals took place after the first burnout. I can't put it into words as a few years later I had more ofa major burnout where I was working.. I handed in my notice so I could recover. At the time I just did not know what was happening to me. None of my doctors know I have ever hit burnout.

I think that it happens quite a lot to unrecognized aspies. The good thing is that you know what you are dealing with now. (well, you're pretty certain)

Yes. It has effected me quite a bit of late. Silly things like going to do something, so I walk to the room where I was going to do whatever it was, and I just stand there not knowing what I was going to do. I get this a lot now. Also mid way in a conversation I totally lose my train of thought and just stop with mind blank. Yes, these things I have had before, but now they seem to be often instead of a rare occurrence.
Like going to get something to drink. Opening the larder and forgetting all about why I went there... So I assume it was for something to eat, so I eat a biscuit or something and forget all about drinking. Or I will get myself a drink and forget all about it, and have the cup sitting next to me and not drink it for a while before I then notice it and think "Oh yes", and even then I take a sip and forget to drink it!
All sorts of little things...

It more effects me though is that I just do not feel ready to tackle anything physical. I have to now and then.. Small things... But it really is a concern as I have so many little things I need to do.
Oh... And my throats half closed up... Means I am prone to choking. Last year I had it more severe where my nose was closing as well. It may be anxiety. But also certain acidic foods or anything containing artificial sweetners and I am in trouble. Uhmmm. It seems to happen in the winter and it tends to clear up a bit during the summer.

Have you tried writing down lists of things to do?

Oh nooo. That would remind me and I would get more stressed about it. You mean about the things I need to do in a physical way?


If it is something in a memory way.. Well. I have for years had the occasional short term memory issue. When I worked trains I started writing down the shorts (Request stops) but then I kept losing the paper I would write them down on. I solved this by writing it all on my hand and arm. But recently, I have had mind blank situations. Is not that I just forget. Is that I go to a place where I am going to do something and I just stand there not remembering why.

You're not alone in that, it's something that tends to come and go, in my experience.

Thank you so much for your replies.

The writing down bit... Uhmm. Well. If I am sent to a shop I have to have a written list. No way can I remember whatever it is I was supposed to get. Even for my own things.

My Mum often says to remind her when we get to a shop about.... And I say "Noooo! Please don't!" I don't want to try to remember... I don't want the blame for if I forget.



Yes. The forgetting does tend to come and go. I get it more when I am having more partial shutdowns... It makes me think. Maybe I am slightly partly shutting down and I don't feel it so much, but ths is when I am likely to get mind blank?

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 27 Oct 2019, 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I put about 25 miles onto a 15 mile journey, taking wrong turns yesterday! I've got a list stuck to the back door with sellotape, which helped me to remember to put the bottles out for recycling today. Some you win, some you lose!

Haha. Well. In the past I have had some fun with memory... I once drove to my local town. I parked in a street. Walked to the shops. Walked back. Noticed that a family friend's car was there in the street. Took no notice... I walked up and down street after street. Where's my car? Nothing. Then I remembered. I had bought the van type car I had past from the friend of the family.
It is nothing from other stories I have heard though! Haha!

The way you describe your memory problems and mind going empty sometimes sounds a lot like me. Your story about the car is a lot like me too. I've always had to rent somewhere to live in my adult life, and I've now moved address about 15-16 times since I left my parents' home. The number of times that I've absent-mindedly walked miles to the wrong address because I've temporarily forgotten that I moved house is embarrassing - given how stressful I find moving house, you'd think it would be very hard to forget. Thankfully, I've always handed my old house keys back to the landlords, otherwise I might just have let myself into someone else's house!

Well, firstly, you are obviously having a lot of such problems right now. If you feel later that you're making a good recovery, you can stop your claim at any time if you feel that you don't need that support any more - and the DWP will review your status every once in a while anyway.

Secondly; even if you weren't experiencing shut-downs right now, it is reasonable to ask for this support because working is acting as a trigger for these spells. As such, there is nothing fraudulent about basing your claim on your worst days, because if you were forced into work, it would be very likely to trigger such bad days - and though you find it hard to identify sometimes, the build up of anxiety which leads to the shut-downs is disabling in its own right. Finding everyday things much more difficult to do than most other people is how they define "disability" - it's not just a black-and-white matter of whether you can absolutely do something if you have to, the consequences of doing it matter too.

Finally, you mentioned earlier in the thread about the feelings of "nakedness" when you feel that you cannot mask, and of feeling a kind of "shame" when the mask drops and people see your autistic side. I know very well how that feels, and it is a very strong feeling because it's the only way we've ever known to think about life since we were very small children. There is another effect of this, which I think you also feel very strongly, as do I - a very powerful aversion to asking for help (for example, you have said before how hard you sometimes find it to ask your Mum for help with phone calls). Having endured your problems for so long, with only what help your family can provide, it feels "normal" to just force yourself through it, because it's the only way you have ever known - and it is something to be proud of.

However, as Domineekee has already said, your posts here suggest that you really do need this support, even if only for a short time while you get through your assessment and get yourself back on your feet. The DWP may or may not decide that you are entitled to it, but I see no reason at all to be ashamed of asking for it - you have quite obviously tried your hardest for decades to make things work without bothering them.