I Often Feel Alone When I Am Not.

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The alone feeling often comes from the inability to connect... But also if one does connect, the fear that one can't open up incase one may sever the friendship connection?
As I have sheltered myself in life a bit, and I don't do socializing. I mean... I don't really understand what it is. (I assumed it referred to going into pubs and drinking as people who have asked me how I socialize tend to say they socialize in pubs?)
But anyway. My isolation in my life has left me a little less knowledgeable in certain areas as to what is acceptable and what is not... And what can be talked about and what is not allowed.
This means that questions I have can't always be asked because any friendships one may have had may be at risk.
And yet, people assume that everyone knows some of these things!
So the inability to open up in certain areas are more due to the fear of rejection from the few friends I may have or one risks never making new friends....

So life can feel kind of isolated.

I am used to a semi isolated life because by nature, I tend to withdraw, and at the moment, due to several stages of burnout over the last few years where each time seems to have plunged me into a worse position then before... That I am having to seperate myself a bit so I can hope to recover...

But in the long run, is isolating myself too much good for me? I know I am never the sociable type... But certain things may help me. I am half considering (If I can afford it) to join my nearest model railway club. It is not that close but it is still a fun thing to do where I can meet people to share the hobby. I am not sure if I am ready just yet though as I have been in a bit of a mess... So much so that I have avoided visiting model railway shows the last two years.

So anyway... When I feel ready I am thinking that some sort of tamer gatherings where I can be myself more so I don't have to mask may be the answer? Nothing which forces me into positions I can't handle. Just more of a gentler type of casual gathering for the sheer fun of shareing a hobby.

That really would be a good idea.

Many people who are into model railways also happen to have Aspie and Autistic traits in them----if they not Aspie and Autistic themselves.

I know somebody who has just these traits----and he's a nut about model railways.

You mention that... About 10 to 15 years ago I attended a local model railaay exhibition which is held once a year about 45 miles from here. I noticed that many of those attending had some sort if dissability somehow. Looking back, I know they had autism. But at the time I did not know that. I remember that I was drawn to notice them. It was that God had me notice them. I would not have naturally noticed them if that makes sense? (It is hard to explain but it is a spiritual thing where God points out things to me and at the time He did, I did not know why). I was surprized how many people I noticed that were on the autistic spectrum at that one event. At first I assumed there had been a coach trip there where they had met before hand, but there was no evidence of that, and besides, it was on a suday. They all seemed to be seperate... It was interesting and I knew I had to "Note" it in my memory.

There will be people who are more "disabled" than you. And some who are less "disabled" than you.

What you all share is an interest in model railways.

Yes. Trains!

I never thought of myself as dissabled until recent times after hitting burnout, which I believe I have hit a few times and each time I hit it, I had not properly recovered from the time before so I went further and further downhill.

Now I am armed with knowing what was causing it, and have a little support, I see some light at the end of the tunnel.

I never said you were disabled. I don't know if you are or not.

It could be you're disabled. But it could also be you're just "different."

Watch out!

Well. There are certain times where I can't walk, so that is an issue. It is when I get an overload of anxiety and have a partial shutdown. Obviously I can't walk if totally shut down! Haha! But neither would I want to!
When nurvous I drink a lot of water so this means frequent visits to the loo. I also get the runs when I am nurvous for a while. But the water intake is the main issue as I feel physically ill if I can't go straight away. All the local public toilet facilities close after 5pm.. Some close at 4pm. Dissabled people can get in with a special key. I do not have a key, so if I am travelling anywhere at nigjt, I have to keep to rural areas so I can pull in and hide behind a bush or a hedge. Built up areas can be no go areas for me due to this due to the toilet facilities being closed. I am fortunate in that I have not been caught relieving myself as I could end up in serious trouble.

In other ways I have issues at times where I can't go in crowded shops or certain shops with narrow tall isles. I sometimes can but often I can't.

These are the main issues which effect me. Only some of them I would really call being on the fringes of a dissability. As I don't have to go in shops. The toilet issue is an issue, and partial shutting down is an issue as I can't really walk. I am so used to it though that I had never considered it as a dissability. Always just thought it was one of those things where I needed to lie down or sit down to recover. As long as I found a place to do so before I collapsed, I was fine. So used to it... And in my mind... Even if it is classed as a dissability, I can't do much or do anything about it! Is just a waiting game to recover.

I’m completely alone most of the time

I think I feel you.

Im always alone. Its not my feeling, it's reality.

The issue is how to change that so we don't feel so alone without being with others being too much to cope with. I do have a solution or two. One is to start ccling with others because this means one is not in too muuch of a close contact enviroment and at the same time one is with people to talk to. I do admit that talking and cycling can be a bit difficult if one is out of breath! Also if one is going to get the best advantage one needs a suitable bicycle and a few other things like lights, panniers or a suitable way to carry odds and ends like a few small tools, a puncture repair kit and a pump, a suitable thin jacket etc... And suitable shoes and clothes. Not neccessarily cycling clothes, though they help. And a drink and maybe a snack. Drinks are best carried in the bicycle water bottle.
The good thing about cycling is that even if one is alone, one gets out and enjoys. I have to say that though initially I don't like the experience, cycling in the rain... Once I am wet I actually enjoy it. It is the first getting wet part that I don't like. Some of my most enjoyable rides have been in the rain for at least part of the journey!
I am missing cycling soo much. I have been lacking energy due to feeling fragile (I guess it is anxiety) where I can be prone to partial shutdowns... So I am patiently waiting to feel good again. I can't wait!

Another idea is the hobby of model railways as there are specialist model railway societies where one joins without the need to attend a clubhouse if that makes sense. They often have hundreds or thousands of members. They may set up an exhibition or three a year in specific areas where those members who have portable layouts that are ready to display can exhibit them to the public and to other members... OK, yes.. Such events do get crowded. But there is no compulsion to exhibit or attend... And being part of such a group people keep in touch and one may get the occasional visitor or invite to see some nearby layout on a more casual bases. I am actually thinking that this casual approach may actually be an idea to set up such a club/society just for those on the spectrum (And friends of spectrumists) to enjoy. A more casual friendly type of club... Something where members may meet each other in their local areas without there being too many in one go... Would this be a good idea?

I also drink a lot of water when I’m nervous.

Yes. This is a huge issue for me as I can't go anywhere without a drink of water or cola etc in my hand or in my bag or pocket... And I am needing the loo often. And here after about 5pm no public toilets are open except for dissabled ones where one needs a special key, and as I am not classed as dissabled... Well. After 5pm, I can't drive through urban areas. Rural areas have hidden places I can stop the car and hide. Usually behind a hedge somewhere or a large tree. But urban areas... Nothing. I have to avoid entire areas as there is no where.

I would see a doctor, Mountain Goat.

There might be a physical reason why you need the loo so much. And that something can probably be easily treatable.

Anxiety, alone, usually doesn’t cause you to need the loo so much.

When I am stressed my throat goes dry and I need to drink. It is like a panic thing.
If I am at home and relaxed, I sometimes realize I have nor drunk anything for most of the day! But whenever I go out somewhere, I have to bring a drink with me or i can't go.

I live near a city so there are lots of folks and I have the opportunity to find the few that accept my "style". I do sometimes give a heads up: "this may be TMI..." or "sorry if this is too personal..." so I have some sense of what is "inappropriate" that I feel compelled to share or ask. Some people are glad for it (a friend who can talk to me freely about her husband's declining health and how she will care for him... and then just herself and child). 25 years ago a friend wrote me: "You speak a language pf life that is altogether bolder and brasher, and closer to Truth, than most people are accustomed to."

I crave intimacy, even quiet intimacy. But somehow not in the way most folks do, so it feels lonely for me.