I had a really bad panic attack yesterday caused by sensory overload and made eye contact with someone from my course as I tried to escape the room. It was horrifying.
I would have been fine had it not been for the students behind me resting their shoes on my chair, sometimes meaning that it moved or just that they were touching me, for about two hours. On top of that, we were watching a play we were covering that hits a few very personal things for me, they were whispering the whole time (which I couldn't block out) and to top it off, the play ends with loud drumming. I could feel something coming but as I first felt a sudden spike in agitation about half an hour in, I thought it was dealt with until the drumming sent me into sensory overload.
I couldn't breathe and couldn't figure out how to leave. On top of this, I am usually in places were I can just slip out but that was not the case that day so I just froze standing in the middle of the isle as my thoughts became so fast I couldn't hold on to them, let alone figure out where to move. Thankfully, the girl I was next to noticed something was up and that I was not thinking straight, took some initiative and led me out the room.
If only that had been it. It was at that moment when I was looking around in panic that I made eye contact with said person on my course. At that moment of extreme fear it was like the pain of normal eye contact multiplied several times over and felt a lot more intrusive. I tried to explain it to a friend as when I'm in that state it feels like a very raw part of me is exposed that is unmasked and vulnerable. I get gaps in memory, don't fully recognise things, heck I've hugged random people who helped me because my senses were so off that I mistook them for my friends! I can deal with people I don't know seeing that, I'll never see them again most likely but with people who I semi know, it feels incredibly embarrassing and humiliating.
It's made me really anxious because one, due to gaps in my memory I cannot remember what his reaction was so my anxiety is filling in the gaps, two because now someone who is not a close friend/family member has seen that part of me and three, I really admire that student because of their learning ability and so, should they look down on me, it will hurt due to that. I don't even know if I'd prefer if they bring it up or not. I don't know how to feel better about it.
02 Nov 2019, 9:53 am
