A Revelation

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I couldn't believe that my husband told me something that made me so sad. He said that he was disappointed in our daughter. This came after my daughter told me that her college major was a mistake. The truth was that she is near graduation and was getting a case of cold feet being that soon she will enter the job market. She felt frightened. Before my husband even let me finish my sentence, he expressed his disappointment and went on a tangent about what a bum our daughter is and that the money we set aside for her education should have gone to another kid who was interested in engineering and mathematics. He blamed me for her lack of interest in math. She had the aptitude but didn't want it. She was able to learn math but struggled with science - particularly lab based sciences.
He even expressed his disappointment in the college being that it is a small, Christian, liberal arts college. He wanted her to attend a known state college. I picked this one because it seemed like the safer option for an aspie female. She wants to teach special education. The tension is over now but I feel different toward him. I feel disappointed in him as her father. I still love him but maybe he's the type of guy that should have never had children. Some people are good people but sometimes they might not make such great parents "emotionally". My daughter often expressed that she in fact knew that her father felt a disappointment in her. I too never felt any worth around my father but as I got older, I lost all respect for him because I was able to see him for who he truly was as a person. I didn't like this bad person and I honestly don't care. I feel bad that this happened - that my husband expressed himself so bluntly. It is his right to say what he feels but it still hurt. I didn't tell my daughter. I NEVER will.

I know this stuff.
My husband is a great person but his emotional intelligence is so low that parenting exceeds his capabilities. And my mental health is poor :/
Being supportive to a struggling child is not what you dream of when you decide to have kids but that's what needs to be done.

Thank you Magz.

If I have children I will never be dissapointed in their achievements.

Something I've noticed. Education is no gauge for intelligence. It is a gauge of the ability to recall things in the way they have been taught.

While I agree that it takes intelligence to do this... But it is more in the form of memorial intelligence rather then open minded thought provoking intelligence.

But ones education... To me it is far more important what you learn then the exam results. In other words, I may have the poorest exam results in the school. But if I have put what I have learned to good use, then I have achieved everything.



So don't be too hard on your children if they don't achieve the grades they wanted. They are likely to be heartbroken. They want comfort. They need to feel happy again.

If I were a dad, I would be proud that my daughter is graduating, and getting her degree.

Is this a Bachelor of Science degree in engineering?

I think it's great that she wants to teach special ed.

In my opinion, it would be highly desirable if schools had a specific policy of hiring mildly disabled autistic/aspie and/or mildly learning-disabled (yet successful in college) people for maybe 50% of special ed teacher (and aide) positions. At least some such teachers/aides would be better able to empathize with the kids than an NT teacher could, and might have greater insights into how to teach them -- and could also be more realistic role models for the kids than an NT teacher/aide could be. Ideally, these mildly disabled teachers would be paired with NT's, e.g. NT teacher with disabled aide, or disabled teacher with NT aide.

Unfortunately, I doubt that anyone in the educational establishment has even remotely considered such a policy. To put this idea on the radar, we need someone to start an organization of autistic/Aspie special ed teachers and aspiring teachers.

[Hint, hint, to anyone reading this who is in a position to do so.]

If I were her dad, I’d be proud that she will teach special education.

Me too.
Averyone who wants to do something useful and do it well deserves great respect.

Some people just can't see any worth in anything that can't be easily and officially measured... that doesn't make them bad people, but they can easily end up belittleling and thus hurting others.

Feelings of disappointment or pride are sometimes natural involuntary or subconscious

It is better for your husband to be honest than to humor you, in this situation

I agree with you. I have been disappointed in my son at times and I am certain my parents were disappointed by me at times. I may have even told my son I was disappointed by some things. But on the other hand, I hope that I didn’t say it or show it for things that meant a lot to him. I love him immensely.

It may be disappointing that your daughter isn’t following the path your husband hoped she would, but it sounds like there is very much to be proud of and that outweighs the disappointment I think!

Anne

Exactly. Plenty of precious lil "people" have had the nerve to compliment me for the slightest thing. Condescending and manipulative

They expect you to believe whatever they tell you

They are reserving the authority to judge

Likewise excessive compliments indicate low standards